[scallion5]

had a really hard session today after a couple weeks of also really hard sessions.

i had called t on friday - really unusual for me to do so - and he called me back right away, reassured me. he told me he was glad i reached out. it felt so reassuring and safe. in our session on tuesday we even talked about how its ok for us to care about each other and it doesn't always lead to hurt.

then today i just ended up getting so angry but was so quiet and just said all these angry images. it feels like everything has fallen apart and its all my fault for getting angry. i sent an email and it was also really angry....i called him again and let him know i sent an email.

then i look and i got an autoreply saying he's gone until tuesday. he didn't mention being away today in our session. i felt awful. my heart was racing. i thought maybe he put it up just to avoid me in particular. i called him and just left a v/m saying i hated him (which i don't!) i am just pushing him away and yet wishing he would stay. it feels awful, like i am getting pulled in two pieces or like my brain is telling me to run away and get really close both at once.

it hurts so bad. i can't stand how mean i can me. i feel totally worthless and like i wouldn't be surprised if he just gets rid of me. i never used to get angry at him *at all* and its only been recently that i've even ever been able to acknowledge it. now its starting to come out and i can't seem to get a grip on it. its so, so scary.

how do u deal w/ anger at t? can u get angry? does t forgive you?

gonna be a long weekend.

[stopdog]

Most of them are used to it and don't take it personally. Anger can even make some of them happy that the client has gotten there. I would not stress over it.

[geis]

I worked with this amazing therapist for two years. Near the end of the time I worked with her, one session I went on this whole long rant about a bunch of minor things. Really, it was my therapist I was angry at--I envied her because she had her life together and I didn't, and I was not dealing well with losing her as my therapist. At the end of this rant, I finally recognized that it was her I was actually angry at, and I ended the rant with, "And you know what? F--- you!"

She said, "Yeah, I was getting that." Then she paused for a minute and said, "I've been trying to get you to say that for two years." She didn't get hurt or angry, and she didn't reject me. We talked about it several sessions later, and I referred to myself as having been out of control. She said that wasn't her experience of me at all--I realized, eventually, that anger was so frightening to me that letting myself express any of it at all made me feel like an out-of-control monster, but really I was much more controlled than most people. The whole incident ended up being really useful in terms of helping me realize that anger is safe and okay and normal.

[ThisWayOut]

I have a lot of trouble with anger; I dislike it and rarely admit to it. T was actually surprised yesterday when I admitted to being angry over the way part of my education was handled. I think she was in shock for a good 5 minutes, lol.
Most t's are ok with anger...

[CantExplain]

I think Ts like anger. It feels authentic to them.

^^^^ i agree, very true.