[Freewilled]

Anyone else feel this way when your T normalizes? For example, my T will very very occasionally try to help me see that some of the things I struggle with are common. I think he is trying to help me feel less like a freak, but all it does is make me feel MORE like one that I can't handle my **** on my own! I just feel like I shouldn't even be in therapy then and wtf is my problem I know intellectually what he's doing, but I have such a strong, visceral reaction internally. My T is off next week and I know this is going to be difficult for me to sit with now

[Jordy]

I get what you mean. At one point I talked to me T about being tired after work and not knowing how to handle it, especially once I move out and will have to do all the household chores.
She tried to reassure me by saying everyone's tired after work, but what I meant was after 6 hours at work I was so exhausted I had to sleep for two hours and was absolutely unable to do anything else. So instead of helping me it actually made me feel worse that everyone else handles this, but I can't...

[IndestructibleGirl]

I think maybe what they mean is - not everyone else is handling it as well as you assume they are, and you actually aren't doing as bad a job as you think at handling it yourself.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I think maybe what they mean is - not everyone else is handling it as well as you assume they are, and you actually aren't doing as bad a job as you think at handling it yourself.

I can see that....but my mind twists it to think, "well, then I really shouldn't be here then because I'm handling it as well as can be expected." It seems to lead back to I'm an idiot for even being there so let me go and hide.

*i know this is not helpful and an overly critical/judgmental way of seeing myself and my T. It saddens me that after all this time, I still struggle with it. Maybe one day I won't.

[ThisWayOut]

I can understand that feeling. I can have am intellectual understanding of what t is trying to do, but then I just feel crap for complaining...

[HazelGirl]

I know I react like that because I feel shame at wanting to have her compassion or understanding, and I don't feel like I should get it or I deserve it. So when she normalizes things or is empathetic, I end up reacting by wanting to pull away because I feel like she is mocking me in her head because I certainly don't deserve her kindness. I know that's trauma-related, but it's still what happens.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Yeah, I feel this too. Even though I understand the normalising aspect, all I hear is: 'Its not that big of a problem".

[stopdog]

I think so called normalizing is one of the most useless techniques I have ever had them try at me. It does not matter to me whether others do something or not, I don't really believe the therapist knows either way, and they never tell me what that information is supposed to do for me.

Have you told your therapist you feel and react this way?

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I think so called normalizing is one of the most useless techniques I have ever had them try at me. It does not matter to me whether others do something or not, I don't really believe the therapist knows either way, and they never tell me what that information is supposed to do for me.

I think I would agree with you if the normalizing was confined solely to the therapy room.

But in my experience - the normalizing that goes on there then makes me more open to seeing examples of how others operate in the world and how they're not always intrinsically 'better' than me at dealing with difficult sh#t.

For example, last week's session I was revisiting my very potent guilt over my mother's illness and death from sudden dementia and aggressive cancer. My therapist was steadfastly reassuring me that I had not done anything wrong. The words went in, I was listening, they sort of floated round my head, but I still was distressed.

Then a few days later I was mindlessly watching a tv show when having dinner, and a storyline came on featuring a young woman in her twenties being overwhelmed at her grandmother's Alzheimer's disease. I felt such compassion for that girl - a student like I was, totally out of her depth - and suddenly my therapy session came back to me and I felt a rush of belief that no, like this girl, I hadn't really done anything wrong. Muddled through as best as I could, and if I'm honest I know I actually did a good job in her last couple of months. Not perfect. But didn't let her down then, despite what happened before.

The rambling point to this is that normalizing, I think, can be playing a long game. It can make you aware that the lenses you are looking at yourself through are distorting reality - you can hear it over and over again, but when it is reinforced by something out in the real world it can lead to a mini breakthrough like I had.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I think I would agree with you if the normalizing was confined solely to the therapy room.

But in my experience - the normalizing that goes on there then makes me more open to seeing examples of how others operate in the world and how they're not always intrinsically 'better' than me at dealing with difficult sh#t.

For example, last week's session I was revisiting my very potent guilt over my mother's illness and death from sudden dementia and aggressive cancer. My therapist was steadfastly reassuring me that I had not done anything wrong. The words went in, I was listening, they sort of floated round my head, but I still was distressed.

Then a few days later I was mindlessly watching a tv show when having dinner, and a storyline came on featuring a young woman in her twenties being overwhelmed at her grandmother's Alzheimer's disease. I felt such compassion for that girl - a student like I was, totally out of her depth - and suddenly my therapy session came back to me and I felt a rush of belief that no, like this girl, I hadn't really done anything wrong. Muddled through as best as I could, and if I'm honest I know I actually did a good job in her last couple of months. Not perfect. But didn't let her down then, despite what happened before.

The rambling point to this is that normalizing, I think, can be playing a long game. It can make you aware that the lenses you are looking at yourself through are distorting reality - you can hear it over and over again, but when it is reinforced by something out in the real world it can lead to a mini breakthrough like I had.

I am glad it worked for you. I don't think your experience is what I meant.

[MoxieDoxie]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Anyone else feel this way when your T normalizes? For example, my T will very very occasionally try to help me see that some of the things I struggle with are common. I think he is trying to help me feel less like a freak, but all it does is make me feel MORE like one that I can't handle my **** on my own! I just feel like I shouldn't even be in therapy then and wtf is my problem I know intellectually what he's doing, but I have such a strong, visceral reaction internally. My T is off next week and I know this is going to be difficult for me to sit with now

This is invalidation from your T and that is why it makes you feel worse. He needs to honor what you feel. By telling you that your struggles are common relays a message subconiously that you are common and it denying your uniquieness.

[AncientMelody]

I get what you're saying...not so much about normalizing but being embarassed for even being there. As soon as I started feeling healthier I felt guilt that I was "using up" a spot with my psychiatrist that someone else could use more. She said something to the effect of "If you were your own patient" (I'm a physician assistant) I think you would tell yourself that you would still benefit from therapy" Or something to that effect....I've had few different practitioners basically say I should show the compassion to myself to other patients. But, somehow that's much harder.

[PeeJay]

When I told my last therapist that I struggled with wanting to not live, the therapist responded that everyone thought like that sometimes and it was normal and common.

So much for my cry for help. The therapist wasn't very good.

In contrast, the therapist I have now takes me seriously and validates my pain and even says she wants me to stay alive.

Normalizing is invalidating in too many cases.

[jaynedough]

When my T or PDoc (or anyone else) does the normalizing thing, I get frustrated because I feel like they don't understand how bad I feel and/or I feel like a complete loser because I can't function in this world.

I've also experienced something similar to this, I told my at of an experience I'd had which I found hard and she basically said that others wouldn't have found this to be hard. I'm planning to bring this up again sometime, to basically say that I don't think she understood this experience at all As I think anyone would have found if hard and most people wouldn't have even put themselves in this situation, and that I felt she was saying I was dysfunctional cos I found it hard.

[BlessedRhiannon]

For me, normalizing an experience feels like the person is invalidating my experiences.

My mother does this all the time, but without the understanding of how things truly affect me. So, I'll say I'm anxious about something (which actually means I'm on the verge of a panic attack about it) and she'll say something like "everyone gets nervous, but you'll be fine once you do it." No, actually, I won't be. I'll probably just get more anxious and then really start to panic. Sure, everyone gets nervous about stuff, but there's a difference between nervous and panic. Then, I feel completely worthless because I'm panicking about this thing that "everyone else" can handle just fine.

So, my T rarely tries to normalize things, because she knows that from my history with my mother, it feels invalidating to me.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

For me, normalizing an experience feels like the person is invalidating my experiences.

My mother does this all the time, but without the understanding of how things truly affect me. So, I'll say I'm anxious about something (which actually means I'm on the verge of a panic attack about it) and she'll say something like "everyone gets nervous, but you'll be fine once you do it." No, actually, I won't be. I'll probably just get more anxious and then really start to panic. Sure, everyone gets nervous about stuff, but there's a difference between nervous and panic. Then, I feel completely worthless because I'm panicking about this thing that "everyone else" can handle just fine.

So, my T rarely tries to normalize things, because she knows that from my history with my mother, it feels invalidating to me.

Ok - I get how this can be invalidating and horrible now. My real mother does this too, not intentionally, it's her way of trying to help, but it always goes that way when I try to describe similar stuff and it's amazingly counterproductive.

BlessedRhiannon, I'm sorry that you, and any of us, go through this crapola

[missbella]

My inclination is the opposite, feeling comfort realizing that some variation of my difficulties and insecurities are the price of admission for being human. I've even remembered and benefited from being told that one day I'll be able to take a very painful situation in stride. As years went on I indeed have. It never helped me feeling my pain was special or I could somehow receive compensation if I held it.

Well I have the opposite problem where I normalise my experience or say yes but everyone has pain in their life not just me. T will then say Mona, why are you minimising this again.

[Luce]

I wonder if some Ts do this because in their personal experience learning that others struggle with similar issues (thus 'normalizing' the issue) helps for them. I wonder if they then normalize things for others in the belief that it will help them too, without understanding the factors and ranges of experience that make that exact thing unhelpful for someone else. Perhaps your T does it from a helpful place, but just doesn't get how it makes you feel.
Could you tell T that approach doesn't work for you?

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by puzzle_bug1987

Have you told your therapist you feel and react this way?

No.....I think we'd argue. Or he would get offended. Yes. I see that is a problem...but I've found Ts are not always as strong as they let on and can only take so much criticism. At least from my experience....

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Well I have the opposite problem where I normalise my experience or say yes but everyone has pain in their life not just me. T will then say Mona, why are you minimising this again.

I do this too sometimes Ugh. I know I'm full of contradictions. Makes me wanna just throw up my hands and say forget it already!

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Anyone else feel this way when your T normalizes? For example, my T will very very occasionally try to help me see that some of the things I struggle with are common. I think he is trying to help me feel less like a freak, but all it does is make me feel MORE like one that I can't handle my **** on my own! I just feel like I shouldn't even be in therapy then and wtf is my problem I know intellectually what he's doing, but I have such a strong, visceral reaction internally. My T is off next week and I know this is going to be difficult for me to sit with now

Upon first reading, seems the next step, is assertion by asking, how is your experience' normal' .

I know many a person, that reals through comments that set of a wave of internal strife, but the question then remains, if this is normal, why am I the one in therapy?

As an aside, I've been enjoying a local radio morning show, because the dj/host keeps saying, and I am the one in therapy?