[AmazingGrace7]

Over the past few years, I have been intrigued by some of the comments I have read on PC about potentially unhealthy attachments to T. What intrigues me the most is how often the recommendation is made that a female client begin again with a new female T if the client is seeing a male T.

I am curious….

What defines healthy vs. unhealthy attachment to a T?

Who is considered responsible if an unhealthy attachment is suspected?

What role does gender play if a client is female?

[meganmf15]

I was very attached to my female therapist and had a very strong erotic maternal transference towards her. It was the only time in my life that I felt sexual attraction towards a women. We would discuss it at great length and I never felt that talking about it helped me get over it. I was lusting over this woman and did not ever figure out what to do with those feelings. She kept saying, it's normal, I'm not disgusted.....

Eventually I had to terminate because I could not stand it anymore.

[AmazingGrace7]

Originally Posted by meganmf15

I was very attached to my female therapist and had a very strong erotic maternal transference towards her. It was the only time in my life that I felt sexual attraction towards a women. We would discuss it at great length and I never felt that talking about it helped me get over it. I was lusting over this woman and did not ever figure out what to do with those feelings. She kept saying, it's normal, I'm not disgusted.....

Eventually I had to terminate because I could not stand it anymore.

So, if she thought it was normal and wasn't disgusted, did you agree with her or did you feel it was an unhealthy attachment? I understand you couldn't tolerate the feelings anymore because it felt overwhelming, with really BIG and intense feelings. Do you think the feelings would have been different if you had seen a male T?

Are you seeing a male or female T now?

[ScarletPimpernel]

I made the suggestion in another post for a female to see a female T.

Even if you have an unhealthy attachment, if you can still concentrate on your therapeutic progress and address the attachment, I believe you should continue to work with that T. What better way to address an issue than head on with that person who happens to be a safe person. But so long as it isn't hindering your life.

It's subjective. Needing a new T is directly correlated to your threshold for suffering.

I switched from a male T that I was obsessed with, to a female T that I am now only mildly obsessed with. Ts can be a bad fit for more than just not clicking. Especially in cases where Ts are too much like other people in our lives that hurt or neglected us. Or the caregiver that passed away. Male ex T was entirely too triggering. Switching genders for me was like starting over with someone completely the opposite, that didn't elicit such a strong reaction by just sitting there.

On a side note, I've noticed that therapy is really fun for people with attachment issues. And by fun I mean hell. There are patterns that repeat from which you can't escape. Switching Ts in many cases is a form if running away. But if you feel like you could work harder or get better results with a different personality it's worth a consideration.

[Petra5ed]

I think secure people have healthy attachments, and insecure people have unhealthy ones. Still, unhealthy is relative. I'm insecure, but does that mean I shouldn't have any attachments because I'll be insecure and unhealthy in most relationships? No, you just do the best you can.

I called my attachment with my therapist unhealthy, and I think that's because it's obsessive, and that's probably because I'm insecure. Has nothing to do with him. In a lot of ways though it's a very healthy attachment. I respect him as a separate person, I don't stalk him, I treat him well and vice a versa, our relationship is appropriate for a therapist/ client. Still, it would be better if I was a secure person, it will happen.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Clementine K

And by fun I mean hell.

This made me laugh because it's so true. It is absolutely chaotic to have dysfunctional attachment patterns and be in therapy.

[AmazingGrace7]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I made the suggestion in another post for a female to see a female T.

Even if you have an unhealthy attachment, if you can still concentrate on your therapeutic progress and address the attachment, I believe you should continue to work with that T. What better way to address an issue than head on with that person who happens to be a safe person. But so long as it isn't hindering your life.

Thanks, ScarletPimpernel.

You aren't the only PC member who has suggested it. I have seen it in many threads and always been curious why the suggestion is made, as if seeing a T of the same sex would resolve an unhealthy attachment with a T of the opposite sex.

I have also wondered how it's received by an OP?!?!? I have been seen by T's of both sexes. Maybe it's just me but there seems to be an underlying implication (on PC) that unhealthy attachments occur with members of the opposite sex and healthy attachments occur with same sex T's.

[AmazingGrace7]

Originally Posted by Clementine K

It's subjective. Needing a new T is directly correlated to your threshold for suffering.

I switched from a male T that I was obsessed with, to a female T that I am now only mildly obsessed with. Ts can be a bad fit for more than just not clicking. Especially in cases where Ts are too much like other people in our lives that hurt or neglected us. Or the caregiver that passed away. Male ex T was entirely too triggering. Switching genders for me was like starting over with someone completely the opposite, that didn't elicit such a strong reaction by just sitting there.

On a side note, I've noticed that therapy is really fun for people with attachment issues. And by fun I mean hell. There are patterns that repeat from which you can't escape. Switching Ts in many cases is a form if running away. But if you feel like you could work harder or get better results with a different personality it's worth a consideration.

I think this is interesting.

I have had T's who were too triggering for me too, and, in one case, I left. It was my opinion it would be better for me to stay with triggering T and work on those issues. In the one case I left, T was happy to help me but he was unable/unwilling to see how he played a part in the "trigger". I don't necessarily think gender would have made the difference in that situation.

[meganmf15]

Originally Posted by AmazingGrace7

Over the past few years, I have been intrigued by some of the comments I have read on PC about potentially unhealthy attachments to T. What intrigues me the most is how often the recommendation is made that a female client begin again with a new female T if the client is seeing a male T.

I am curious….

What defines healthy vs. unhealthy attachment to a T?

Who is considered responsible if an unhealthy attachment is suspected?

What role does gender play if a client is female?

Originally Posted by AmazingGrace7

So, if she thought it was normal and wasn't disgusted, did you agree with her or did you feel it was an unhealthy attachment? I understand you couldn't tolerate the feelings anymore because it felt overwhelming, with really BIG and intense feelings. Do you think the feelings would have been different if you had seen a male T?

Are you seeing a male or female T now?

The sex of my therapist was irrelevant. The transference was erotic and too much, no more therapy for me. My therapist thought it was normal, I didn't care if it was 1000% normal, I was done with it. No way was I gonna keep paying for such intense pain.

[Depletion]

I think that healthy attachment has to do with how much you are really able to internalize another person's care. Obsessions it seems to me happen because we are trying to internalize the care of another, but are unable to (perhaps because our original attachments became so frightening and violent). So we obsess because we want to be close to the care, but we don't feel sure that it is there, so we keep going back to it and keep trying t get closer to it.

On the other had in a healthy attachment, there is no need to obsess, we feel sure that the other person is there for us. It is probably easy to hear that person's calming voice in our own head, until eventually that person's voice is indistinguishable from our own. We are so close with them, and feel so sure that they are apart of us that we no longer need to look and see if they are there.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Depletion

I think that healthy attachment has to do with how much you are really able to internalize another person's care. Obsessions it seems to me happen because we are trying to internalize the care of another, but are unable to (perhaps because our original attachments became so frightening and violent). So we obsess because we want to be close to the care, but we don't feel sure that it is there, so we keep going back to it and keep trying t get closer to it.

On the other had in a healthy attachment, there is no need to obsess, we feel sure that the other person is there for us. It is probably easy to hear that person's calming voice in our own head, until eventually that person's voice is indistinguishable from our own. We are so close with them, and feel so sure that they are apart of us that we no longer need to look and see if they are there.

Thank you! You've described my experience perfectly! I've always obsessed about my Ts for the reasons you describe. Finally, I have no reason to obsess about my T anymore and I know I have a healthy attachment towards her.

[AmazingGrace7]

Originally Posted by meganmf15

The sex of my therapist was irrelevant. The transference was erotic and too much, no more therapy for me. My therapist thought it was normal, I didn't care if it was 1000% normal, I was done with it. No way was I gonna keep paying for such intense pain.

So, you aren't seeing anyone now?

[Partless]

Originally Posted by AmazingGrace7

Over the past few years, I have been intrigued by some of the comments I have read on PC about potentially unhealthy attachments to T. What intrigues me the most is how often the recommendation is made that a female client begin again with a new female T if the client is seeing a male T.

I am curious….

What defines healthy vs. unhealthy attachment to a T?

Who is considered responsible if an unhealthy attachment is suspected?

What role does gender play if a client is female?

Are you saying that people have assumed that healthy relationship means there is no possibility of sexual attraction (assuming heterosexual T and client), so that's why they recommend female therapist for a female client?

Maybe I'm wrong. I'm just having difficulty understanding your question.

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by Partless

Are you saying that people have assumed that healthy relationship means there is no possibility of sexual attraction (assuming heterosexual T and client), so that's why they recommend female therapist for a female client?

Maybe I'm wrong. I'm just having difficulty understanding your question.

I didn't take it that way, and I don't think that's the case. I think very simply you can have a healthy relationship with a friend and be sexually attracted to them, but not date them.

[AmazingGrace7]

Originally Posted by Depletion

I think that healthy attachment has to do with how much you are really able to internalize another person's care. Obsessions it seems to me happen because we are trying to internalize the care of another, but are unable to (perhaps because our original attachments became so frightening and violent). So we obsess because we want to be close to the care, but we don't feel sure that it is there, so we keep going back to it and keep trying t get closer to it.

On the other had in a healthy attachment, there is no need to obsess, we feel sure that the other person is there for us. It is probably easy to hear that person's calming voice in our own head, until eventually that person's voice is indistinguishable from our own. We are so close with them, and feel so sure that they are apart of us that we no longer need to look and see if they are there.

I have found, in my own therapy, the times I think of T is when there is a need ( usually, unconscious) that isn't discussed/met. For example, T went on vacation last year and forgot to leave the (previously discussed) emergency contact number of a colleague. During his absence, I had a triggering situation and had no way to contact him or his colleague. I googled him and discovered some information that could have negatively impacted my therapy with him. We talked through it and he wasn't surprised. He described it as me "looking for him" because I see therapy, and him, as safe. It gave us the opportunity to talk about those times in my life when I went "looking" for a safe place.

I had a different experience with another (now former) T. One night, before therapy, I had a dream about him. In my dream, he and I were sitting on a porch, in a very private place. I was being a little flirty which is not normal behavior for me with T . So, we have a conversation about the client/T relationship as I sat on the porch and cried. I left, went to my room, and cried some more. Later, I went back to the porch and watched the stars.

T came down from his room and sat by me as we both silently watched the stars. He grabbed my hand, took me back to my room and held me. I woke up from my dream... crying. It was a very cathartic experience that I wanted to share with my T.

His first response, "You know that could NEVER happen, don't you?" I said, "You mean with YOU, right?" It might have been a golden opportunity for us to discuss my feelings, but his response shut me down…completely. I never brought it up again.

In both cases, I felt I had (fairly) healthy attachments to my T's. Ironically, the responses, in both examples, played a part in my own "internal" message.

[AmazingGrace7]

Originally Posted by Partless

Are you saying that people have assumed that healthy relationship means there is no possibility of sexual attraction (assuming heterosexual T and client), so that's why they recommend female therapist for a female client?

Maybe I'm wrong. I'm just having difficulty understanding your question.

What constitutes a healthy, as opposed to unhealthy, attachment to T?

And, does gender play a role? If so, how?

Usually, when posters post about intense feelings of attachment to T's of the opposite sex, I see others suggest seeing a T of the same sex. My experience has been those feelings of attachment can come up regardless of the gender of your T so I was curious about other's thoughts and experiences.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by AmazingGrace7

What constitutes a healthy, as opposed to unhealthy, attachment to T?

And, does gender play a role? If so, how?

Usually, when posters post about intense feelings of attachment to T's of the opposite sex, I see others suggest seeing a T of the same sex. My experience has been those feelings of attachment can come up regardless of the gender of your T so I was curious about other's thoughts and experiences.

It is well-known that they can indeed come up for either gender. It doesn't mean anyone is secretly homosexual. They can be stronger and header to overcome with the gender you're normally attracted to, though, which is why some people advise switching. I don't think it's a good idea to switch T's in most cases, although every once in a while, I read a case where it sounds like it would benefit the poster to switch.

[HazelGirl]

And as for what constitutes healthy versus unhealthy, it really depends. I think a lack of fear and anxiety are key, as well as a feeling of comfort, closeness, trust, and satisfaction in the relationship are important for healthy attachment. Other than that, it depends on the person.

Signs of unhealthy attachment, other than the opposite of what is listed above, are extreme unbalance where one party takes advantage of the other, a relationship that is growing apart rather than closer together, a lot of ruptures that do not seem to be resolved, or hostility in the relationship.

[meganmf15]

Originally Posted by AmazingGrace7

So, you aren't seeing anyone now?

Nope. Done with therapy. No mas. No way.

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by AmazingGrace7

I have found, in my own therapy, the times I think of T is when there is a need ( usually, unconscious) that isn't discussed/met. For example, T went on vacation last year and forgot to leave the (previously discussed) emergency contact number of a colleague. During his absence, I had a triggering situation and had no way to contact him or his colleague. I googled him and discovered some information that could have negatively impacted my therapy with him. We talked through it and he wasn't surprised. He described it as me "looking for him" because I see therapy, and him, as safe. It gave us the opportunity to talk about those times in my life when I went "looking" for a safe place.

I had a different experience with another (now former) T. One night, before therapy, I had a dream about him. In my dream, he and I were sitting on a porch, in a very private place. I was being a little flirty which is not normal behavior for me with T . So, we have a conversation about the client/T relationship as I sat on the porch and cried. I left, went to my room, and cried some more. Later, I went back to the porch and watched the stars.

T came down from his room and sat by me as we both silently watched the stars. He grabbed my hand, took me back to my room and held me. I woke up from my dream... crying. It was a very cathartic experience that I wanted to share with my T.

His first response, "You know that could NEVER happen, don't you?" I said, "You mean with YOU, right?" It might have been a golden opportunity for us to discuss my feelings, but his response shut me down…completely. I never brought it up again.

In both cases, I felt I had (fairly) healthy attachments to my T's. Ironically, the responses, in both examples, played a part in my own "internal" message.

Wow what an amazingly beautiful dream. I'm so sorry that your T didn't seem to want to talk about that. That's really hurtful.

I had really bad erotic transference with the T before this last one. She felt really safe to me and I use to imagine her floating above my bed protecting me while I was falling asleep. I told her about the transference and she totally flipped out and terminated therapy. It was horrible. I think its sad that some T's can't understand how beautiful some transference can be. It is very normal to love your T very deeply, and the kind of love that you describe in your dream should be celebrated.

[dark_sweetie]

I don't think there is such a thing as an unhealthy attachment to T, only an attachment that is a sign that growth needs to take place. It is perfectly healthy, it's part of who you are right now.

Unfortunately sometimes Ts respond to attachments in an unhealthy way, either by using them to meet their own needs or by distancing.

[ThingWithFeathers]

What about the idea that you reflect your style of attachment irl within the therapy relationship. So if you have an unhealthy attachment style with others that would be reflected in the attachment to t and, similarly, if you have a healthy attachment style with others that will then be reflected in the t relationship. For those of us with unhealthy attachment styles, the t relationship (which will quite naturally have initial times of unhealthy attachment) will be used to encourage healthy attachments both in and outside therapy. So, I guess what I think is that if there's an unhealthy attachment to your t, there's a lot of meaning there - there's a lot to explore and work on in the safe comfort of your t.

[Soccer mom]

I see a female T. who is just 6 years older than me, have a disorganized attachment to her and am happily married to a man. I have told my T. that sometimes my feelings are stronger towards her than my husband. I think it's all the longings from my childhood popping up. And, I don't want to "be" with her but I have ET in our sessions just talking about my feelings which she has attributed to feeling emotionally intimate with her. So, I think it can happen with anyone - just depends on your personality, your T's temperament and many other things. And, yes, the attachment stuff is something to work on. I find that if I feel secure in our relationship, my time in between sessions is easier. But, more often I'm picking our sessions apart convincing myself that she's mad or frustrated with me (mom issues).

I have learned so much about myself through the transference/attachment. Just this morning I realized that if I viewed my mom negatively (controlling, manipulative, unpredictable) then I wouldn't want the love/affection thus protecting myself I guess the times/years she never gave it. I do the exact same thing to my T. - pick her apart so that I won't be upset when she won't/doesn't share her feelings. It still hurts but I'm totally acting out my relationship with my mom who passed away in May.

[AmazingGrace7]

Originally Posted by Depletion

Wow what an amazingly beautiful dream. I'm so sorry that your T didn't seem to want to talk about that. That's really hurtful.

I had really bad erotic transference with the T before this last one. She felt really safe to me and I use to imagine her floating above my bed protecting me while I was falling asleep. I told her about the transference and she totally flipped out and terminated therapy. It was horrible. I think its sad that some T's can't understand how beautiful some transference can be. It is very normal to love your T very deeply, and the kind of love that you describe in your dream should be celebrated.

Yes, it was hurtful. Afterwards, I internalized his comment although, I tried VERY hard not to internalize it.

I'm sorry to hear about your last T. I just don't think some T's are prepared, or knowledgeable, in areas of transference.

My first T terminated me. It was a horrible experience. It's difficult for me to discuss seven years later, in part, because I never understood it.