I'm a "responsibility"????

So you may remember that my therapist didn't show up for an appointment this week, and I had a wee meltdown. OK....big ish meltdown.

He ended up being able to see me on Friday, yay!But then in session he said something hat has me feeling.......uncomfortable and like I am an imposition, or something.

I read him the post I wrote on here about all the issues that came up for me because he left me sitting in the waiting room and couldn't make it. It was HUGE for me to share it. I told him that I was not angry or upset at him, but more concerned about all the other issues that came up for me.

He apologised for not making it and that I drove a long way etc, and said that he couldn't reach any of the office staff to inform me early enough, and so he was ringing and ringing for ages, and then he said he rang all of his colleagues and no one was answering their phones, and then he finally got a hold of one colleague. I apologised to him that he had to go to so much effort, when he was already dealing with an injured child etc.

This is what bothers me......... he then said, no Jane it's just one of my responsibilities, I have a responsibility to make sure I inform you soon enough if I can't make it, we all have responsibilities. He sounded so annoyed, and I feel 'bad' that I'm an annoying responsibility he has to worry about that gets in the way of his real life!

Is that what he meant? I often hear things differently, or internalise them differently anyway.

Gawd, it was such a tough session anyway, like I needed that!

I think he meant his job is a responsibility, definitely not you.

Maybe try to imagine that you planned a lunch with your friend and you can't make it. It would be your responsibility to tell you friend. Same with a doctors appointment. Or if you had to miss a session.

I don't think he meant it in a bad way.

I don't hear anything bad in the use of the word responsibility. To me it sounds good. I do the same as you at times, I hear things differently, especially as the hours tick by after a session, the words take on new meanings.

I think T's should feel a certain responsibility for the job they have chosen to do.

It sounds to me like he meant that keeping in better touch with his patients was his responsibility. It doesn't sound like he meant that you were a burden or an annoyance, but I can see how it would be easy to hear it that way, especially given that you were already upset by him not showing up.

I hope things get easier for you.

Ive been waiting to hear about this. It sounds like he feels pretty bad that he had to disappoint you. Where was the other parent again? It sounds like she is the one who needs to hear this responsibility lecture.

You asked before, how will going through this in therapy heal? Look at what happens when it doesnt heal, IRL, or when therapy doesnt quite get it right. It might take a few iterations. But at least now, the problem is well defined. His saying he has a responsibility reminds me of my t from long ago and far away - promises didnt mean anything to me way back when, because my mother would only promise in order to trick me. But if my t promised me something now? I might believe him. hang in there, it takes time.

Jane...just like it is your responsibility to let him know if you can't come, it's his to do the same. My T sometimes does sound annoyed when I apologize when it's not needed. Do you think what you picked up as annoyance is that you apologized?

My T told me I am not allowed to apologize.

I don't think it's at all negative. He was telling you this was on him, not you. It was the right thing for him to say.

I read it that t feels he has a responsibility to inform people when he's not going to be there. It doesn't sound to me that you are his responsibility. The communication is his responsibility. He may have sounded annoyed because he'd tried hard to get a hold of someone who could tell you and yet it didn't work, not that you are annoying.

I would take it as has a responsibility to you and a responsibility to take care of you properly.

It sounds to me that he really wanted you to understand that he tried his hardest to get a message to you because it was IMPORTANT (that's what he meant by his responsibility), that you mattered.

Sure he has responsibilities re his job, everybody has... Honestly I'd be a bit angry...
Why didn't he text you/and his other clients direcly? If he'd known in advance he couldn't make it he should have let you know and not let you drive all the way there waiting for another T to tell you. :/

Well, I don't know details, he didn't want to share, but his child was injured in childcare, the wife is 8.5mths preggers....so fair enough he was there.

I don't know........

He is not allowed to contact clients directly from his personal phone, it'd be a breach of the district health board ethics and code of practice over here.

Thank you all for setting me straight, re me not being the responsibility but rather the job. I am a part of his job after all. I guess he could have been annoyed about any number of things in the situation.....and I also guess it could have been frustration at the situation rather than at me.

I see how you feel. I would take it as I'm a burden on him, but that's just me. The way he said it was like his duty as a professional was to notify you. Not that you are A bother to him.

Do you know what, I think if I am completely honest here......I think I realise I felt my own annoyance. Annoyed that it was the 'job' that he felt a responsibility to, and not me.

That is so embarrassing and shameful! I wanted him to feel sorry that he let ME down, not that he didn't fulfil his job properly.

Ugh, I feel really stupid and embarrassed at myself for that.

That's not shameful, it's normal - you needed him to be there for you and he wasn't, this is often what induces shame in us. You felt let down so you internalised it, could you maybe "externalise" it and let him know how you felt? Sorry you've been put in this position.

Now you have some great therapy material to work with

Y'know, I'd place a bet that he was feeling BOTH. I have a responsibility to give my students the best education that I can. That's my job. But I am also responsible for their overall well-being and I want them to be their best selves while they're with me. When I let them down, I let my job down. When I let my job down, I let them down. But there are times where I can feel like I've only let one down and not the other. But most of the time, it's both.

I totally get how you feel though. I tend to reject well.... almost every sort of help, apology, caring, from everyone because my brain goes "they feel obligated to/they're supposed to/ they're just doing this because it's what is expected". So... I invalidate a lot of what other people do, including my T.

It's not embarassing or shameful to want to feel like you matter.

Let's put it this way: he made a bunch of calls to try to get someone to contact you in time, right? If he was only feeling responsible to his job, he would have just called and left a message. Instead, he kept calling as many people as he could until he finally got ahold of someone who answered, and could thus contact you asap. THAT is showing that he cared about you. Most people just leave voicemails, but he didn't view that as being a respectful or acceptable thing to do to you. Amongst the situation he was dealing with, he continued doing his best to be responsible, respectful, and caring towards you.

Don't be embarrassed, and definitely don't shame yourself. You should never be ashamed of your feelings. It sounds to me that you totally understand that he needed to tend to his injured child. The feeling of being hurt when we are let down by someone we care about and want to care about us is something a lot of us couldn't navigate well as children if we came from dysfunctional families in which nobody was there to help us learn to manage our emotions. It is perfectly OK to be where you are trying to navigate and deal with those feelings now. I suspect that you just don't want to be a "job" to him, am I correct? I suspect that you are also struggling because you have these feelings but want to be "adultish" about your response.

You are definitely not alone if that is how you feel. If you have any type of abuse in your history, this whole opening up your soul to another person, learning to trust another person on such a personal level, can almost feel damaging if you don't feel the therapist's care. Think about other times when he expressed his care and concern to you. Sometimes the last interaction is all we can think about, but if we concentrate on the moments when we felt a genuineness, it makes it easier to understand that even though this is a professional relationship, our therapist does care about us. Acknowledge your feelings of being let down because it is OK. If you think about it, you look forward to being in a safe place to just be yourself all week, and at the last minute is was taken away through no fault of his, but it is a let down. Honor your feelings and be OK with knowing that he didn't have a choice.