[Elkino]

I hadn't talked to my T in a while because of some major things going on in my life. I had asked whether I could send some emails in between and T said it was fine if I would do that. But actually there was one thing I wanted to mention before anything else. Also because I didn't know whether she would still want to work with me after that. So I wrote it down.

Before the break I was doing very bad. I think she saw me as brave and courageous for hanging on though. So I tried to explain that I was absolutely not doing well at that time and, as I described it,... that my 'thoughts were not safe' at that moment. I hoped she would understand.

Now we're talking again and she referred to that email, but it didn't go as I had hoped. The conversation sounded a bit like 'but you're still here, after everything and that's what counts'. Maybe she's right (well, I guess she is), but I feel as if I (or my thoughts) am not being taken seriously.

I felt the urge to write about it again (in between sessions) and to explain things even better than the last time, more into detail. But I'm not so sure what exactly is going on. I don't think it's about her not understanding it, rather about her having a different opinion.
I am worried about the thoughts I had, she is happy that I got past these thoughts.

I can understand both points of view, but it confuses me a lot. I simply don't know how to react. Maybe it's better to leave it behind, especially because I am doing a lot better now. But if I can't get it out of my head, it wouldn't be wise to abandon it either, right?

Anyone else had this kind of experience with a T? What did you do about it?

[JaneTennison1]

I did and I talked to her about it. She was dismissive of something as she was trying to make me see the positive in it. I told her that her comments hurt and that even if I was ok and those things weren't the worst they could be that a destructive behaviour should be taken seriously.

To her credit she apologise and understood my point of view. Throught this I understood what she was trying to say.

[secretgalaxy]

Mine seemed to almost ignore my suicidal thoughts, only asking if I still felt the same way I did when I wrote to her and if I still had a plan. I responded no and she said good and we moved on. I felt as if she didn't want to explore it that much. I know that there are two views when talking about "bad thoughts", some like to explore them and others feel like ignoring them will help them diminish. And I believe that our T's are using the later.

[Utterly]

Originally Posted by secretgalaxy

Mine seemed to almost ignore my suicidal thoughts, only asking if I still felt the same way I did when I wrote to her and if I still had a plan. I responded no and she said good and we moved on. I felt as if she didn't want to explore it that much. I know that there are two views when talking about "bad thoughts", some like to explore them and others feel like ignoring them will help them diminish. And I believe that our T's are using the later.

Just thought I'd add a bit of support to one of the views:

Talking and thinking about a memory, returns us to that mind state, and can reinforce the solidity of that feeling. That doesn't mean we can't and shouldn't process "stuff" but remembering just for the sake of remembering does no-one any good.

[HazelGirl]

I do think it's important to talk about it.

[Victoria'smom]

Maybe you can talk about what to do in the future when you have these thoughts.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I don't remember very much of my session last week with my T, but this post reminded me of something I said. For some reason I told my T that sometimes I think I should follow through with my desire for SUI just to prove to everyone how serious I am. I don't know why I said it. I know I must have been trying to prove that while I'm doing good, I'm still hurting. I would never do such a thing solely to prove a point, but I think verbalizing that thought made thing clearer for my T (least I hope so! I really don't remember )

Anyways, I do think you should bring it up with your T. It's important to be taken seriously when you do start struggling again.

[Elkino]

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

I did and I talked to her about it. She was dismissive of something as she was trying to make me see the positive in it. I told her that her comments hurt and that even if I was ok and those things weren't the worst they could be that a destructive behaviour should be taken seriously.

To her credit she apologise and understood my point of view. Throught this I understood what she was trying to say.

Your message made me wonder. You say your T was dismissive because she wanted to try to make you see the positive in it. Maybe mine is doing exactly the same. I first thought it was on purpose (the ignoring of what I had expressed), but now I'm not so sure about that anymore. Maybe that 'more positive' look at things creates a blind spot...

Originally Posted by secretgalaxy

Mine seemed to almost ignore my suicidal thoughts, only asking if I still felt the same way I did when I wrote to her and if I still had a plan. I responded no and she said good and we moved on. I felt as if she didn't want to explore it that much. I know that there are two views when talking about "bad thoughts", some like to explore them and others feel like ignoring them will help them diminish. And I believe that our T's are using the later.

Wow, yes, that's kind of exactly how it went here too. She said 'But you're still here' and it felt as if my thoughts and feelings suddenly became so small, as if they didn't matter anymore. The problem had solved itself. But in my opinion there is something more going wrong, there is a reason why I have these thoughts. I don't know whether it means that I'm sick or crazy, you know, but I want to know what it is, where it came from and how I can protect myself from these destructive thoughts. Not that easy with a T who doesn't feel like exploring these things though.

Did you do anything to start talking about it again? Or did you simply move on, just like your T suggested?

Originally Posted by Utterly

Just thought I'd add a bit of support to one of the views:

Talking and thinking about a memory, returns us to that mind state, and can reinforce the solidity of that feeling. That doesn't mean we can't and shouldn't process "stuff" but remembering just for the sake of remembering does no-one any good.

Never payed attention to that aspect really. It's a bit the same as not using negative words because they reinforce the bad feelings. I understand what you mean and I think my T does even better. I simply can't leave things behind like that, before I explored the last part of it.

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Maybe you can talk about what to do in the future when you have these thoughts.

Exactly! That's my only concern. And I think it's a good approach too, without holding on to the past too much. Thanks!

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

I don't remember very much of my session last week with my T, but this post reminded me of something I said. For some reason I told my T that sometimes I think I should follow through with my desire for SUI just to prove to everyone how serious I am. I don't know why I said it. I know I must have been trying to prove that while I'm doing good, I'm still hurting. I would never do such a thing solely to prove a point, but I think verbalizing that thought made thing clearer for my T (least I hope so! I really don't remember )

Anyways, I do think you should bring it up with your T. It's important to be taken seriously when you do start struggling again.

To be taken seriously when I'd start struggling again.. Yes, indeed. If it's not about that past experience and even if I can let go of it (because after all, right now I'm doing better), in my opinion it might be as important to know that the next time I'll be heard, as it is to explore those thoughts and where they come from. I think I need at least some safety...
If I can't find a way to keep myself from having those thoughts, than I would at least benefit from knowing that there's someone who will listen to me and (try to) understand it.

[secretgalaxy]

Wow, yes, that's kind of exactly how it went here too. She said 'But you're still here' and it felt as if my thoughts and feelings suddenly became so small, as if they didn't matter anymore. The problem had solved itself. But in my opinion there is something more going wrong, there is a reason why I have these thoughts. I don't know whether it means that I'm sick or crazy, you know, but I want to know what it is, where it came from and how I can protect myself from these destructive thoughts. Not that easy with a T who doesn't feel like exploring these things though.

Did you do anything to start talking about it again? Or did you simply move on, just like your T suggested?

We never brought them up again and moved on from them. If I bring them up she doesn't continue to talk about them. She, instead, branches off of them to another topic.

Never payed attention to that aspect really. It's a bit the same as not using negative words because they reinforce the bad feelings. I understand what you mean and I think my T does even better. I simply can't leave things behind like that, before I explored the last part of it.

Yes! That is exactly how I feel about the situation too! I like to explore them only to be able to fight them better later. I don't like leaving things behind even if I don't feel as strong about them, I still feel them. Before, I have been close to just following through without telling anyone, since no one wants to understand that part of my pain. At the moment, I feel safe with myself, but it's a slippery slope.

Can you talk to your T about it and tell her about your view on it?

[Elkino]

Originally Posted by secretgalaxy

We never brought them up again and moved on from them. If I bring them up she doesn't continue to talk about them. She, instead, branches off of them to another topic.


Yes! That is exactly how I feel about the situation too! I like to explore them only to be able to fight them better later. I don't like leaving things behind even if I don't feel as strong about them, I still feel them. Before, I have been close to just following through without telling anyone, since no one wants to understand that part of my pain. At the moment, I feel safe with myself, but it's a slippery slope.

Can you talk to your T about it and tell her about your view on it?

I think I'll give it a try, approaching it from that side, telling that I want to explore it a bit more in order to be prepared if it would happen again. And then I hope she won't turn things around and tell me that I have to let go of it.

I think that it's not always useful when you want to be prepared. For example, I discovered I always want to be prepared for bad news. While, if it would come, it would still be devastating of course. Whether you put your time and energy into trying to guard yourself against it (which you probably even can't). But I don't think it's the same when it comes to developing strategies about dealing with things afterwards though... if the focus is all on the strategy and not on the negative emotion(s).

Let's try to convince my T.

[BlessedRhiannon]

My T is big on the duality of things. For example - yes, I was feeling horrible, AND, I'm still here and I made it through those feelings. She never uses the word "but" and tries to get me to use "and" instead of "but" as well. It puts a different spin on things. Using "but" sometimes feels dismissive of what I'm experiencing - it takes away from my emotions, minimizes them. Using "and" adds to my experience - it acknowledges my emotions, while letting me see the duality of the situation and how there are other things at work.

I don't know if it would help you to re-frame what your T has said in to an "and" statement instead of a "but" statement. Perhaps you can address it with her as a way of exploring the duality of the situation and as a way of building a better plan to cope for when you feel that way again. Just saying something like "I made it through those bad times, yes, and I'd like a way to manage it better in the future." might be a way to get across to T that you're acknowledging that you survived, but you need a better way to cope.

[JaneTennison1]

Originally Posted by Elkino

Your message made me wonder. You say your T was dismissive because she wanted to try to make you see the positive in it. Maybe mine is doing exactly the same. I first thought it was on purpose (the ignoring of what I had expressed), but now I'm not so sure about that anymore. Maybe that 'more positive' look at things creates a blind spot...

Yup. What happened was, my T ask how I felt I was suffering when i did the destructive thing. I said I wasn't because I was happy self destructing, her reply was that she was glad I was not suffering. She also said some other stuff.

It p*ssed me off so much. I emailed and said, you made my problem feel small and insignificant, you made me feel terrible and as if there were no point to therapy. We spent a few weeks processing my feelings and I did understand that what she had meant was she was glad I was in a positive frame of mine and that she knew destructive behaviour would pass shortly. What she said and what I heard did not match.

Talk to your T and find out her intent. She may have been trying to say your thoughts were so low but you made it, lets celebrate you!! and it comes out as your thoughts were low but they are fine now, lets move on.