[MindfulMoment]

I desperately want to act out like a young child in therapy. I'm not sure where this need has popped up from, but being around my T makes me want to act stupidly, like giggle, mimic her, play with things, just general messing around. I take therapy quite seriously so this is quite uncharacteristic and more reminiscent of times when I was a teen.

I've gotten over my initial abandonment anger with her and things are moving along nicely, except she just seems to trigger this child-like part of me. I've held back, but the tension is there good and strong.

Any ideas why I may be feeling this way? Have you experienced anything like it? How do I handle this?

If possible I want to try and keep this part of me under lock and key, as I am an adult after all. What do I do!!!?

[HazelGirl]

Talk about it with her?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by MindfulMoment

... she just seems to trigger this child-like part of me ...

That is a standard feature of therapy. It might even be deliberate.

The "acting out" you mention seems fairly harmless. Why not do it?

[geis]

Disclaimer: I'm coming at this from the POV of someone with DID, so if it doesn't resonate with you, that's okay.

I've learned that pushing away parts of myself is ultimately a self-destructive action, although the need to control everything is completely understandable. Yes, you're an adult now--but you're also all the other parts of you at other developmental stages. There's a theory of personality that says we're all a collection of different parts, but some people integrate (or don't integrate) those parts differently and relate to them differently. Denying those parts any access to the world is cutting yourself off from experiencing the world from a perspective different from your usual one.

The things you're talking about doing aren't destructive or harmful things. What are you afraid will happen if you let that part of you be present and do those things?

[JustShakey]

What do you do? Let it out. I know, you'll feel silly at first, but go for it. I'm envious honestly that you were able to get past the anger with your T and reach this place.

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[Ad Intra]

You feel safe around your T and that could play a part. I also wonder if you were ever allowed to act like a child when you were younger. You could also be doing this because she'll respond to that behavior. There's a lot to think about.

[MindfulMoment]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Talk about it with her?

I'm not sure how I'd even begin the conversation. It seems like quite a bizarre thing to express :/

[MindfulMoment]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

That is a standard feature of therapy. It might even be deliberate.

The "acting out" you mention seems fairly harmless. Why not do it?

I think it can start off quite harmless but judging from my past behaviour when these feelings have arisen, I can really push until the other person gets angry and then I spend the rest of the time trying to win back their approval. I don't think this will be very helpful for therapy.

[MindfulMoment]

Originally Posted by geis

Disclaimer: I'm coming at this from the POV of someone with DID, so if it doesn't resonate with you, that's okay.

I've learned that pushing away parts of myself is ultimately a self-destructive action, although the need to control everything is completely understandable. Yes, you're an adult now--but you're also all the other parts of you at other developmental stages. There's a theory of personality that says we're all a collection of different parts, but some people integrate (or don't integrate) those parts differently and relate to them differently. Denying those parts any access to the world is cutting yourself off from experiencing the world from a perspective different from your usual one.

The things you're talking about doing aren't destructive or harmful things. What are you afraid will happen if you let that part of you be present and do those things?

I suppose I'm afraid that acting in this way may alienate her against me and make her dislike working with me, because I can get pretty annoying. But there's just something about her calmness which just makes me want to act up.

[MindfulMoment]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

What do you do? Let it out. I know, you'll feel silly at first, but go for it. I'm envious honestly that you were able to get past the anger with your T and reach this place.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I spoke to her about my anger and she seemed fine with it and we explored why I was angry together. I think I'd just overacted. I'm pretty forgiving and so I forgave her, as it wasn't really her fault at all, rather my perception, and though I'm still a little nervous about it I've settled.

[MindfulMoment]

Originally Posted by Ad Intra

You feel safe around your T and that could play a part. I also wonder if you were ever allowed to act like a child when you were younger. You could also be doing this because she'll respond to that behavior. There's a lot to think about.

yeah I definitely feel safe around her. I was able to have time being a child when I was younger so I'm not seeking that. I think maybe I want her to push me a bit more, I'm not sure Yeah, a lot to think about.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by MindfulMoment

I spoke to her about my anger and she seemed fine with it and we explored why I was angry together. I think I'd just overacted. I'm pretty forgiving and so I forgave her, as it wasn't really her fault at all, rather my perception, and though I'm still a little nervous about it I've settled.

Yeah, I completely get this. In my case I was really confused about what was happened, I didn't fully get that I was angry and my T at the time lost patience with me.
I did reach the 'child place' but instead of addressing the anger I had to bury it (again!). I spent the latter part of my therapy with her trapped in an enactment where she was my mother and I was the parentified child. On the up side, it did lead to a lot of understanding, if not much healing...

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[peaches100]

You might take a look back at your childhood to see if this a pattern you ever showed with your parents. . .can you remember pushing them to the point of exasperation, and then trying to win back their approval? If so, you're replaying this pattern with your t, and it is something you and your t should examine more closely in session.