I really wish sometimes that I didn't need my therapist so much

Does anyone else feel this way? I have a really hard time feeling as if someone cares about me, even though I know, for example, that people at my church care about me. I believe my therapist cares about me but I kinda resent my wanting to be cared about so much. There's something broken in me, there's something wrong with me that I can't feel as if someone cares about me, even when there's evidence that they do. Does anyone else feel like this?

Yeah. I'm afraid of and embarrassed about how much I feel like I need him and depend on him. I guess he cares about me... But I know he means a great deal more to me than I mean to him.

I often feel like there is something broken with me too. Like no matter how much someone cares about me all their care and concern will just pour into the hole inside me and really won't go anyway at all into filling it. Like my need is insatiable. Like no matter what people offer me it will never be enough to heal me.

But sometimes there are moments. Hard for me to remember. But sometimes there are moments in therapy. Where I feel emotionally held. Even though he is across the room. He is just kinda in tune with my shame (or whatever it is that I'm feeling) and I can tell that he is kinda feeling it too (if that makes sense). And that he is doing okay with that. It isn't too much for him. He can handle it. And he is feeling it and feeling sympathy and concern for me at the same time. And then he helps me come out of it. By doing a grounding exercise or something like that.

That happened a couple weeks ago. And it was amazing. And kinda healing. And I didn't need for him to be any closer.

I try and hold that image in my mind... Especially when I start getting these little kid desires (that can never be fulfilled) like wishing he could hold me in his arms and rock me and stuff like that.

It is hard though. I hate these needy vulnerable feelings too.

Hang in there.

Yes - I feel needy and I hate it. I wish sometimes that I didn't need to be cared about since it seems like I can't have it anyways. Now, intellectually, I know people love me and care about me, but I just can't seem to feel it or believe it. With my psychiatrist at least I hope he does care - I think maybe he does. I know my therapist does - but it's not at all emotionally filling for me.

Yeah, if you read.... I don't know, um... how about... all of my posts, you'll see that I feel the same way, lol.

I told my T that I hate admitting to him how much I need him. Well, I couldn't say it that directly. I said it in one of my abstract ways. But I hate it so much. Sometimes I wish I could just go to therapy, have my hour with him, and then go home and forget about it until the next week. Unfortunately, it is not that way, and there is now a whole mess of emotion to deal with. What's even worse is knowing that he's aware of it. I just sit there across from him and think, "This man knows how much I need him. He knows that I can't even fathom the thought of what it would be like without him." Ugh.

I hear you!

I'd love to stop needing my therapist because I know that we will never be friends or anything more than what we are. I'm sad that one day we will never see each other again.

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almeda24fan said:
I hear you!

I'd love to stop needing my therapist because I know that we will never be friends or anything more than what we are. I'm sad that one day we will never see each other again.

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Ugh, tell me about it. I said to T, "I don't want to get better because then therapy would end." Actually, that isn't accurate. I really said, "I don't want to get better because then you will terminate me." He said, "Um, who decides when to terminate?" So I told him, "Fine. But if I am better, then I can't come anymore." And he answered, "Just because you are 'better' doesn't mean you have to stop therapy."

Still....

I'm so convinced that any day now he's going to say he's moving or retiring early or something.

I hate this I hate this I hate this

I know Pink...mine has already said he is moving but it's a few years from now. And, I'm sad now....shock and disbelief!!!!

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almeda24fan said:
I'd love to stop needing my therapist because I know that we will never be friends or anything more than what we are. I'm sad that one day we will never see each other again.

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One of my deep fears, too. I'm in denial that we can't be friends. It's a stupid rule.

I know what you mean .. i hate feeling dependant on anyone let alone my T .. its such a tricky relationship in the aspect that all of "us" see it as one-sided. Maybe it is, maybe its not, but either way its still hard. Hopefully by the time we finish therapy these issues will be resolved .. guess we'll just have to wait and see and hope for the best.