Some things that I just can't tell T

I know it’s bad to keep secrets from her, especially about things that it’s probably important to work on or things that I feel really guilty about that she might be able to help me work through, but there are some things that I just can’t tell her (or anyone really). Like that when I was younger, I sometimes used to steal money from my father (and I feel even weirder about this because I never stole anything from anyone else; I never even thought about it; I just had no issue taking money from him). Or sexual stuff, or about how I sometimes feel really guilty and weird about being attracted to girls. I always act like it’s just fine for me because I want everyone else to be okay with it too, and everyone in my life pretty much is, but deep down I think I feel like there’s something wrong with it. I have never told this to anyone and I always act like it’s no big deal, but in my mind sometimes it really feels like it is (not for other people to be gay; just for me to be gay).

Also there is something really, really bad that I used to do a lot and sometimes still do that part of me wishes I could stop doing and feels like I should talk about it with T because it probably means something, but I feel so guilty about it that I just can’t. There’s this hotline that is for kids and teenagers and sometimes they have online chat (like counselling through IM) and sometimes I go on there and pretend to be a kid or teenager who is being abused. It used to be just that I would talk about things that happened to me when I was little, and then I would get a huge sympathy/attention fix from the counsellor being super caring and concerned, but then I just started making up random stuff or using stories that I read in books or heard from friends, and I still do it sometimes when I need a sympathy/attention fix.

I know it is a super evil thing to do, which is why I’ve never told it to anyone before. I know the people on the other end of the chat are real human beings who are listening to really hard stuff that isn’t even true and trying their best to help me resolve my (not real) problems, and that I’m tying up the line so other people who have real issues can’t get through, and I’m just sort of screwing with the counsellors’ heads, which isn’t right. I know all of this and I know how wrong it is but sometimes I just feel the compulsion to do it anyway. I’ve tried setting limits for myself so I’m physically not able to do it, like blocking the site from my computer or making plans with friends at the time that I know chat is open or just distracting myself with other things, but sometimes the urge is just too strong. And it feels really good but really bad at the same time to get lots of sympathy and attention from a complete stranger for issues that aren’t even really mine.

This is probably a good thing to talk to T about, but I just don’t think I can…not because I think she would judge me, but because I judge me. And also because I know it’s just a really awful thing to do.

For what it's worth, I don't judge you. I didn't judge you the whole time I was reading your post. I understand and I see a valid reason behind everything you said. I know it's scary to open up and let people (including your T) know your deepest and most vulnerable parts of you. It's f****** terrifying!! I do think that, in time, you should bring these things up in session. You will know when you're ready. I suggest talking about one secret at a time. Write it down and have your T read it so they can start the conversation about it. It takes some of the pressure off you.

I'm currently dealing with the same thing. People see me as this shy and innocent goody girl but I have done a lot of things people wouldn't expect and that I'm not necessarily proud of that. But for me there or more important things to work through right now.

Hang in there!

If you feel like you trust your t, you should tell her. There might be a psychological reason that you're doing this in which you're not aware. I know what you mean though. There's a lot of things that I don't tell t.

What style of therapy does your therapist do? What's his or her personality like? Sometimes you can gage based on that how they'll react.

If you talked to my T about these things I know she would look at you with her caring eyes and love you.

There have been some things I've told t that I've been very ashamed of. Her reaction has always been accepting and comforting. The anticipation of telling has been worse than the actual telling. Your judgement of yourself is likely way worse than t's judgement if there is any. It sounds like that self judgement already exists. There are some things I doubt 'i will ever share with her. I agree with the suggestion above to do it in small bits. Test the waters.

I didn't feel any judgement when I read your post. I thought you were braver than me for sharing it here. I thought that talking about it with t would help you find underlying reasons and acceptance - maybe leading to more self acceptance and self compassion.

I didn't judge you the least while reading your post; on the contrary, I felt sympathy and understanding.

I have done very very similar things: the stealing (not from my father, but from classmates/friends who in my mind were loved by their parents; usually when you steal from someone, you want to "steal" love from him); I was in a relationship with a woman once (even though I know now it was just another way to try and find the love my parents never gave me, regardless of who is it from, regardless of gender etc); up until the age of 18, sometimes, when I met with people during the holidays or with my classmates, I would tell them that I was struggling with cancer, so that they would want to take care of me and protect me and feel sorry for me. Because I knew people should feel sorry for me, but because I hadn't figured out the reason why they should, I chose an illness that depicted how I felt inside.

I grew up believing that for some unexplained reason, I was born mean and ungrateful, and was beyond repair. But I didn't know why. My parents would always tell me: you were such a difficult and ungrateful child.

I'm just giving you some examples of very similar things I have done, to help you realize that T's are interested in the meaning of these things, and would never judge you. They would look beyond the actions and try to help the wounded, imaginative, sensitive child that is hidden behind them.

You could write them if you can't talk about them face to face. That is what I did with some of them. Sending hugs..

I don't judge you at all, and I admire the great courage it took to start this thread.

Maybe you could start by telling her there's something you want to talk about but you are afraid / don't know how to start. It works for me. Hope it goes well

I know the psychological reason I'm doing this - it's because I feel lonely and doing it makes me feel less alone, and also because it gives me sympathy and attention that I crave sometimes. And also because for some reason ever since I was little I have had an obsession with kids being abused and always wanted to write stories about it or do research on it or read books about it, etc.

I know T wouldn't judge me; she isn't the kind of person that judges, at all, ever. But I judge me.

I'm not sure that "super evil" and "really awful" are appropriate labels for making up stories for attention/sympathy on teen crisis lines. In trainings for hotlines, this issue (as well as people using the hotline to get other needs met) is covered, so the people who staff the lines are aware that this is a possibility. At least in the training I was in, it was taught that pretend stories (which staffers may or may not suspect) and the people that need to tell them is a legitimate use of the hotline. So nobody on the other end would be surprised or feel used, nor is it likely that your call prevented other people from getting help.

But I'm not trying to convince you to think differently about it. You could obviously stop doing it and that would solve the specific problem of judging yourself for doing it, or condemning yourself. Another way to approach it in therapy is to leave the content out and explore the other ways you judge/condemn yourself. It's not always about "confessing" and getting a non-judgmental response.

Well, I already try very hard not to do it, and I do it way less now than I did when I was younger, but sometimes the urge is just really big and I give in to it...

What if your need and fascination are there for a reason? And what if they're normal methods to try to get legitimate needs met?

My guess is that you use them because you need understanding and connection on a deeper level, but feel unworthy of askingb honestly for it. So you pretend to be someone else who is more "deserving" of the type of attention you need. I don't think there's anything wrong with that at all. I would hope that eventually you can see that you do deserve understanding and connection as you are, and you don't need to pretend, but it's not bad to continue to do this until you get to that point.

Also, I really understand the judging myself thing. I trust my T, but I don't trust myself, so I can't bring up some things as a result.

You don't need to try to fight it. It's okay. There's nothing wrong with you for wanting that type of attention and for seeking it out.

Yes, I think this is exactly why. Thanks, HazelGirl.

I agree with Hazelgirl's post- first part- couldn't write it better.
However, I disagree that you don't need to fight this type of behaviour. As much as I understand your reasons/needs to do so it is really not OK to get attention this way. I'm pretty sure you don't need a list why, so I won't bother writing it here.
Addressing it with your T might help you get the attention you need (deserve) in a healthy way

Anilam I really don't agree with what you said that it is not ok. I see it as a coping strategy, we all have coping strategies and if this is helping Yearning to keep going I think it is fine. It is probably a better coping strategy than mine which has been to hold onto my emotions so tight, never letting them see the light of day or ever asking anyone for any support. Maybe I feel that in saying this is not OK you are saying none of the coping strategies people use are ok - but who is to decide? Sorry, I don't mean to criticise.