[NowhereUSA]

F--- it. I'm writing a damn post about how I feel.

I wrote my T tonight again with all my disjointed suicidal thoughts. I didn't know I could feel this bad. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. The hospital... yeah, I won't there voluntarily. I'm not even kidding when I say I'd rather be dead than in the hospital. Been there, done that, don't want to do it again.

I don't know what he's going to say when I see him tomorrow.

Right now I feel like being a ****** to him tomorrow. Except I know he'll disarm me like he always does because he's good at his job. Which is kind of why I almost don't want to go tomorrow. I've never just skipped out on a session for no reason. I might skip group therapy tomorrow and only go to his session.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I just feel unsafe on so many levels but I have my husband home for a few days and he's keeping tabs on me.

*sigh*

[Lexi232]

[Topiarysurvivor]

Keep writing - I'm glad someone is there to support you .

[NowhereUSA]

I guess I should be too.

I'm going to get my nose pierced tomorrow.

Idk. I guess thinking about going to get my nose pierced is distracting me from the things in my head. It's like, "No, I want to get my nose pierced so I can't kill myself. And I want to see the look on my T's face because I haven't told him so of COURSE I can't off myself..."

I keep making excuses to try help me get from one day to the next. I just hope he can help me tomorrow.



I don't know that he can.

[ThisWayOut]

sometimes little bargains with ourselves are the best we can do. when I get bad, I do similar things, like *need* to tell T something important first.
(hugs)
I hope T can offer some hope tomorrow. If not, we can help you figure out other little bargains.

[NowhereUSA]

Well. I see my T today. I'm a little frustrated that I didn't hear from him. I sent him another e-mail last night that he'll get today when he gets into the office.

Okay. I'm pissed off that I didn't hear from him.

As always I'm ready to go into session and be a b---- but he'll be so nice and friendly and I'll end up being nice and THAT JUST MAKES ME MORE MAD.

Why does he have to be good at his job? I want to yell at someone.

[ThisWayOut]

How did it go today?

[precaryous]

Thinking of you, NowhereUSA.

[IndestructibleGirl]

How did it go? And did you get your nose done?

[NowhereUSA]

I just got home.

I did get my nose done and it looks fantastic. Can't believe I didn't do this sooner.

As for session... I kinda ended up yelling at my T and storming out :-/ He did put in for my PDoc (who works in the same building) to contact me and express that he thinks the monthly visits with my Pdoc aren't adequate for my depression.

Then he went on about things I know but am sick of hearing (it's on me, not him) and I told him to knock it off, that if he didn't have anything useful to say to me, then I should just go home. So I left.

My H thinks I should send my T an email to let him know I got home okay. I told him if my T were that concerned for my safety he could have called for a well check and screw him.

*sigh* My T didn't stand a chance today.

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

I wrote my T tonight again with all my disjointed suicidal thoughts. I didn't know I could feel this bad. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. The hospital... yeah, I won't there voluntarily. I'm not even kidding when I say I'd rather be dead than in the hospital. Been there, done that, don't want to do it again.

Discussing suicide like that will get you admitted into hospital. You are not leaving any other options for your therapist and psychiatrist. You seem to want a break but don't know how to ask. Are you waiting for your therapist and psychiatrist to admit you or make the decision for you?

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee

Discussing suicide like that will get you admitted into hospital. You are not leaving any other options for your therapist and psychiatrist. You seem to want a break but don't know how to ask. Are you waiting for your therapist and psychiatrist to admit you or make the decision for you?

I trust my T, but literally no one else. He doesn't think the hospital will do me any good and usually works to find a different way to deal with things. He's told me he's ever only come close to feeling like he might be forced into that situation once and he ended up not needing to.

I lie to every other mental health professional though because yes, I know that they will absolutely send me.

[The_little_didgee]

Hospitalization doesn't really help. You leave with the same underlying issues that brought you there because all it does is temporarily patch the problem.

What other options do you have?

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee

Hospitalization doesn't really help. You leave with the same underlying issues that brought you there because all it does is patch the problem.

What other options do you have?

That is the million dollar question.

My T contacted my PDoc for med changes. We'll see what happens.

[granite1]

im sorry you were not able to stay with your T . my fav saying to my T when I act like this and don't talk or have to leave is "maybe it will be better next time ". I hope your Pdoc will be of a bit more help at this point .is your apt soon

[NowhereUSA]

Well, at least six years with my T builds history. He gets it, I'm sure because he's him and he knows me and that just makes me even more annoyed. Yes. I'm annoyed with him right now. I want to send him a mean email on top of everything else.

I haven't been angry with him like this before *sigh*

I see my PDoc next Tuesday although my T is trying to arrange some form of contact (phone/email) before then. They're in the same building.

[The_little_didgee]

I know options are hard to find when dealing with depression. All the despair, and black and white thinking is blinding. The options are there, you are just not seeing them right now. I know it doesn't feel like that right now, because I've been there.

Could your suicidal thoughts actually be keeping you alive? I know it is a strange question. I ask it because I sense hope in your posts even though you are struggling the severe and intractable depression.

[Lauliza]

I really hope they can find you some relief and my thoughts are that your pdoc is the only one that can do much right now. He seems on top of things and might come up with more unconventional ways to tweak your regimin. Do your T and Pdoc communicate on a regular basis? Both of mine are in the same building as well and will talk a lot, especially if I ask.