Is this therapist abuse?

An emergency. What does that even mean.

I would not jump to conclusions it could be anything , maybe another client was in trouble

I'm sorry you're going through all this. I guess I just wonder what you are wanting from your T....I get you're upset that she used the word abuse. I get that you don't have any income and that you cannot afford to see her. But I'm not sure what you are hoping for in writing to her. Are you wanting her to offer you free sessions for a bit to help you through this? She has done so for you in the past, no? Why would she not offer now?

If she is willing, it's ok to accept help in that way if it's what you need. Or are you wanting her to say something more specific in her responses that would indicate to you she cares? Sorry if I'm way off base here...just trying to help.

Probably. If so, it is selfish of me but then I am mad that she gave away half my session to someone else. Maybe another client is in trouble, but I am up to my neck in trouble too. She keeps saying 'I'm here' and 'You have a session' and then suddenly I only have half a session. That is a mixed message to me. But like I say, I am aware I'm not in a very insightful place.

No.

I wrote her an initial email last night, explaining I could not afford to come, carefully composed and sent with a lot of appreciation for her and it was dignified for me. I simply asked that she doesn't forget me entirely.

In my head it was ok for me to not go back, because after all I was planning a suicide and so I don't need a jot off anyone. Knowing I was on the way out was insulating me against the pain of termination.

But she was confused and didn't understand, so sent me several asking was I coming to my session, and I kept saying no I can't pay, and kept she kept saying 'I'm here' but not really getting it, because I have no money, and in engaging with her I started feeling all this pain despite my suicide plan, and yes I lost my temper and said basically, no you're not, that's ******** and it's insensitive of you to push the point about how I have the choice to come, and you are there for me, when no, actually I don't have that choice.

That was what I was upset with originally.

Since my csa flashback has happened and gone, I don't feel suicidal and am more like myself, incidentally.

I can't figure out how any of this works.

I'm not in a very insightful place either but I think even someone who was would also think of this as a mixed message. On the other hand your T is in a bit of a predicament. She wants to tend to you as much as she can but having said you won't be coming she still needs to continue her business as a therapist.

Therapy is a confusing process.

It sounds like you put her in an impossible position, sending her an email telling her you are terminating therapy but alluding to your suicidal intentions. What would you have liked her to say? Further, what would have been ethical for her to say?

I think you should go talk in person about how you're feeling and next steps. Worry about the money aspect later.

Hold up.

I did NOT allude to my suicidal intentions in my first email to her, or my second, or third, if I remember correctly. I just kept repeating that I had no money in a matter of fact sort of way.

It was in the last one where I snapped and was blunt about it. So no, I did not send an email of emotional blackmail, using suicide as a bargaining chip.

Just to make it clear.

Thanks for the clarification. I must have misread. Still what would be your ideal response to an out of the blue termination email. I know my T (we don't email so I'm going with a phone analogy) would like me to come in and explain in person. If it really is just money but you are a danger to yourself I know in the states your T would at least have to offer you a termination session and a referral. As for "I'm here for you," they are supposed to say that. I imagine oncologist say that upon conclusion of treatment even though no one wants to see them ever again.

You possibly did not misread, I may not have been very clear because there were so many emails flying back and forth between my therapist and I - I sent an initial one which was the 'good', not-distressed termination email the night before it all went messy with the other email thread between us. Although considering I mentioned suicide in a previous email last week it probably was no great surprise, it would not have been a shock to her. I thought I was concealing everything but it was obvious I was very unwell..

But no, I didn't send an email going 'hey, I'm about to top myself, but goodbye now!' because the chain reaction that would kick off would be my worst nightmare.

I'm not in the US. I don't really know what requirements are.

It's a very weird place, to be that suicidal. It's not psychosis, but it definitely is being in an altered reality.

I've been in a similar situation with my therapist, where I'm ready to kill myself, she and I aren't on the same page communicating and it keeps getting worse, not better. We've had the $$ issue as well. I understand.

What I learned was that my therapist was doing everything she could to do the one thing I asked her never to do, and that was put me in the hospital for being a risk to myself. Because I was so mentally warped at the time, I everything she did was misinterpreted by me as being hostile, aggressive and alienating. Anything but helpful. Problem was that I had no idea what I needed and couldn't bring myself to listening actively to what she was saying.

So, you can't pay this person. They want to help you. Some how you need help. There is a solution here. Ask your therapist if you can pay them later. Chances are, they will let you especially given your situation. STOP sending email. Email and text messages are the absolute worst forms of communication as people read so much into them. See your therapist in person or talk to them on the phone. The sooner the better. Also, being able to personalize someone gives you more to hang on to if you are thinking of killing yourself. The only reason your therapist is responding via email is because you initiated that form of communication.

Having worked with my therapist for years through the good times and bad times, and trust me, we review the bad times when I'm feeling good so that I can understand them better and how reactions come about. I know that your therapist is handcuffed by you. Call, cry, yell, send smoke signals for help and let your therapist help you. They WILL work with you even if you can't pay. Most therapist got into this business to help people and not get rich. Do you realize how difficult we are? Would you want to spend all day with us? They actually like us and root for us. When it matters the most, let he/she help you the most.