I would love a hug from my T, but don't know how to ask....

I am a 30 year old male, she is about a 35-40 year old female. I have explained to her transference that I had for her about 4-5 weeks ago.

I love to hug to be honest. Every time I see my friends who are girls, I give them a hug and kiss on the cheek.

I just don't know how to ask for one in therapy. She doesn't seem like someone who is really warm and someone who loves hugs, but who knows?

What is with everyone wanting a hug from there T ?
I don't get it ?
Maybe because I have been sexualy abused by more then one person , I just don't understand is this something new ?

Do you really need one from your T ?

It isn't a sexual thing. I have told her more stuff in months than any other person in forever. It wears your out sometimes, and for some reason, having that sort of comfort makes me feel better. Maybe like she understands more?

I guess .. when you get up dose she stand there like she wants to hug you when you greet her do you shake hands ?

We stand up, I pay her, she puts her money thing away, opens the door and says have a good week. I don't get the vibe, or maybe she wants to and she is just trying to be a ethical as possible? When I tell her painful stuff, I see the look in her watery eyes that she is a caring person, but I am so afraid to ask her.

Explain to your T why you think you would want a hug from your T and how you think it would benefit you. I personally haven't experienced transference but I have learned about it in my psych courses. It may not seen like anything sexual now but having transference and then receiving a hug can bring up sexual feelings even though it is unwanted because of the physical contact.

I would just ask, and be prepared that she might say no. Some therapists take a stance of no hugs for liability reasons... You could even phrase it in a way that you're wondering if it's something she does... It's a bit awkward but I would keep in mind I'm sure she's been asked before

Thanks for the replies.
I am going to have to just bite the bullet and ask her if she ever gives out hugs to clients. For crying out loud I told her about all the transference stuff.....now that was embarrassing lol.

I just don't want her to get the wrong idea. I hug my wife/friends (girls) and even pat my male friends on the back for either listening to me, or me being the one to comfort them.

When your crying dose she rub your back ?
If so then she might be open to it .
Ask her and see what she says

I don't cry that much, and we sit across from each other in our own chairs 5 feet away or so.

See that is what I would think as well a liability behind closed doors , When a woman gets her pap smear a nurse is in the room to make sure no one has any problems .

I am curious to find out the out come when will you see her again , so you can let us know ..

Nature, I know you were just giving an example of liability, but I lol'd at the comparison of a therapist hug to a pap smear.

I do not know much about hugs myself. I am a bit all over the place with things like that! If it ever happens to me its the other person who would ask. I cant ever see T asking as they are not allowed to... that is the way with things.

I have been told many times my examples are really off the hook

I definitely think a general question about therapeutic use of touch boundaries is a good idea rather than flat out asking for a hug. Take it from someone who asked T for a hug and was refused... The feelings of rejection were indescribably painful, especially as I was in a very vulnerable place at the time.
Definitely wish I had asked him about boundaries prior to that!

echos, how and what time during the session would you ask? Be specific lol. My session is tomorrow and I'm gonna go for it!

LOL, if she says no to the hug maybe ask her how she feels about letting you do a Pap smear .

I dunno, I've been known to compare therapy to a pelvic exam... My T has done it a couple of times too.

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ROTFL!

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Bahaha hahaha!!! That's fantastic!

Ask at the start because then you have time to discuss the no if it should happen.

Thanks for this. I was thinking of at the end so it wouldn't be awkward during the whole session, but maybe talking about it may help
I'm nervous!

I understand how difficult it is to admit Transference! You made a huge step in doing that! I believe that a hug does healing deep in your mind. And I don't believe that cancels out the deprivation you're supposed to work through in therapy. Goodness knows, you missed out on so much and most modern analysts don't believe in the absolute, relentless non-gratification that the Freudians practiced a hundred years ago!

I got just one good hug from my T and I felt it stood for very much. And I still had enough frustration that it didn't ruin therapy.
You know how it is: the T needs you to have optimum frustration to make your past pain reachable to work on. But I don't think total frustration is the way to go, either. (My somewhat educated opinion).
I agree with the above posts, that you could ask in general so you don't risk straight-on refusal. Many T's will do things if you ask, but only if you ask.

If you mention it at the end, you risk making it a doorknob issue (something else I know from experience isn't a good thing!) Just mention that you've been wondering about boundary issues recently and go from there.
After our rupture my T asked me if I thought he should write his boundaries around therapeutic use of touch into the contract, I said no (that would be way too formal for me) but he should mention it at initial sessions. For me any T whose boundaries don't allow touch should be open about it from the outset.