Grieving the Losses

Holidays are extremely difficult for me. I start remembering all the people I have lost. I'm not really depressed...just really sad.

I don't really have a "family". My dad hasn't spoken to me in 9 years. I saw my little sister earlier this year, but it was because my mom was in the hospital. My older sister barely speaks to me, and my nephews and niece are adults now and busy with their lives. I do see my mom a lot, but she is not my mom. And my step-dad isn't really a father to me. I have no friends. My fiance's mother locks herself in her room (the garage...), and my fiance's grandma is always criticizing me.

I have lost so many people in my life. Some have been from death. Some our lives took us in different directions. And most have abandoned me. I keep track of them via facebook, etc. It makes me so sad to not have them in my life. I wonder if my life would be different if even one of them stayed.

I look at my best friend from Jr. High. She was such a special friend. She was there when my depression started. We actually had a fight due to my SI. The way she forgave me: she signed "I think you are beautiful" to me in PE. We were supposed to go to the same high school, but my parents moved us to a different city partly because they thought it would "cure" my depression. I now look at her life. She is still beautiful inside and out. She is full of life. I wish she was still a part of my life

My T says I can be sad. She said that I'm still grieving. But she also said that this is why I need to get out and socialize. I just am scared. I'm scared to lose anyone else. I know it is "better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all". The relationships are worth the pain, but the pain is still what I fear.

Does the grieving process ever end? I don't always feel sad about all the loss, but when I do it hurts so much. I truly love people who I allow into my life. And my my T says I have so much to offer. But then why do people abandon me? Why isn't my love good enough? I don't want/need a ton of friends. I'd be happy with just one. My T says I don't let people in. That I struggle with the initiation of relationships and that I need a level of disclosure. But I have found that most people just can't accept the side of me that suffers from mental health. I just feel so much grief right now. I just want to experience the joy of having a friend. And I just am tired of being alone...

I have trouble with with getting depressed if I think too much about the losses and I don't really have the energy to make new friends. So I can relate to what you are saying. I had to practice thought stopping to help keep me from looking at the past. I try to stay in the present moment. It helps stay away from what is and what will be.

I am glad you are in counseling. I am too. It helps me gauge how distorted my thoughts are. And they way out there sometimes. I enjoy my time here with others who understand.



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This is the first year that we have faced the anniversaries of the bereavements in our families. We had 2 unexpected deaths in short succession this time last year. So this year feels like the first of many dark, dark Christmases for me. I used to love this time of year. I mourn its loss, I mourn the losses of the people we've lost and I mourn my H who hasn't been the same person since he lost his Bro last year.
It hurts horribly that I won't see T over this period.
I'm sorry this time is so difficult for you too.

Hey Scarlet,

You mention having links with people via facebook - what about sending a few little messages to initiate contact with some old friends?

I think life moves very fast and at least some of the people you were once good friends with will be delighted to hear from you? As in, they didn't deliberately choose to not be your friend anymore, but the friendship drifted because you went different ways for college/ jobs/ getting married etc. Christmas around the corner is a good time to do this too.

Over the last year and a half I reconnected with a handful of my girlfriends that I've known since I was twelve. Different things happened and there were a few falling outs over the years, but now we have made up and value each other in a new capacity, as people who have been around the block a bit. Not all of us have mental health issues but we have ALL had a few struggles.

I'm hopeless at letting people in too and would have swore on bended knee at times that I have no friends. Actually I do, I just can't always see them there, and I withdraw very easily and then take the hump with people. The last while I have had my eyes opened to how good my friends actually are if I allow it. My point is, are you absolutely certain there are no friends there? Maybe there is somebody out there who thinks of you as a friend, just you haven't managed to catch up for a few months, but to them it's just a matter of when you get together, not that the friendship is over?

I have tried to contact a few. But nothing really develops. It's like their life moved forward, but my life stopped for a long. I got on contact with 2 hs friends...I tried starting a conversation and they never continued it. I got in contact with my jr high friend, but I just don't know how to connect. I tried contacting my college friend, but she never responded. I just recently reached out to my college counselor, but no reply yet (though it is the holidays). And I also reached out to my mental health counselor from the board and care, but she's so busy traveling the country and visiting her 6 kids and her grandchildren that we don't have time to meet up.

I truly don't have friends right now. I locked myself in the house for 6 years with no contact with anyone. I still don't even feel like I'm 30. I feel rip van winkle who slept and then woke up to a different world

ScarletPimpernel, I'm very sorry to read, I really have nothing comforting to say. Grieving process does end but with new loss, grief beings again. If you're like me and living in the past, you don't experience new loves so your life is a life of memories and grief. If you go out and try to make things happen, you will have new losses and new griefs but also new loves. I think that life is better.

I like how you phrased that. I know you're right. And that is why my T has me looking into going back to college and take a non-credit class...just to get out and meet people and maybe find a friend. It's so scary, but I need it so much. I don't know how I can possibly relate to anyone. I don't drink, don't party, don't like mainstream music, have no kids, and no career goals. I don't want someone to commiserate with, but just to spend time with.

I know how it feels to take the time to send out a e-mail or FB message to people you care about and they don't even respond it feels like a slap in the face .

I wish I had the magic words to help you but I don't ..
I do know of a poem that I don't know if you ever read it but here it is

It's called ....

A Reason A Season or a Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown

Have you thought about going somewhere to help others? Maybe you would find some meaning in that and make some friends along the way.

I have. I didn't want to work at the humane society...too depressing. I used to work at the hospital in the maternity ward. That was wonderful until there was a tragic birth. I tried volunteering at store I enjoy shopping at...they didn't want any volunteers. I gave up.

The rejection got to me, so my T let me take a break. And that's why the goal is now group therapy and college classes/workshops. I'm at least familiar with the college since I went there 8 years ago.

Scarlet, I have to say that you write so beautifully.
Friendships are hard and constant work and sometimes people don't have the time to maintain them or their lives are moving too fast already. It's a shame so many friends are lost after college and school but it happens all the time.
You are willing to accept your part in the ending of these friendships in that you have a barrier up to protect yourself but is it really working for you anymore? I isolated myself for years and it was excruciatingly painful.
How is your relationship with your t? Do you have a barrier up with them? Perhaps you could practise with t how to let the barrier down and let your true self shine. It sounds like you have so much to offer and yearn to connect with others.

It might even help to look at a theory from gestalt therapy. This really helped me to understand how I block contact with others. It's called the contact cycle and disturbances to the contact cycle the disturbances are creative adjustments we made to protect ourselves because maybe you haven't been ready to let down your guard just yet.

http://allofyoutherapycorner.blogspo...y-its.html?m=1

Ty

I read the link you posted. I will have to read up on it more. It was a little difficult for me to comprehend I don't have a great vocabulary. But I'm sure I can find another site that can explain it in an easier way for me.

My relationship with my T is actually pretty good, imo. We have some issues: we both are picky about our word choices, we both sometimes overlook either the emotions or the logic, I have trust and abandonment issues, etc. But we're both open and honest with each other. I have disclosed all my "secrets", though I am not able to discuss them yet with her. I am vulnerable with her, can cry, and have the ability to express a range of emotions including anger. I ask questions freely and she's pretty good about answering them. And I'm good with boundaries. I'm not saying it's perfect, but it's a strong and stable relationship.

I'm not sure I understand "accepting my part in ending the relationships". Of course, death isn't necessarily a choice (I haven't lost anyone to suicide). And the people who abandoned me, the only part I can imagine as my fault is my mental health which people saw as a burden. The few relationships that simply "grew apart" or lost contact, those I can accept my part. Like my relationship with my ex-T, jr. high friend, and my counselor from the board and care: those relationships ended not by choice but simply because life moves on. My ex-T made a decision she thought was best for her and she transferred to another city. My jr. high friend wanted to be in my life, but my parents pulled me away. And my counselor, well she's retired and wanted to spend more time with her family. Ironically, I still have contact with those three. But I don't know how to reestablish or start a new relationship with them.

My "barrier" is definitely up currently. I know in order to progress in my own life and to find more happiness, those barriers have to come down.

It's just that I give 100% effort to all my relationships. I have even been decently good at trying to maintain boundaries (both theirs and my own). I accept people for all their strengths and weaknesses. I am supportive and caring. I help in anyway I can. And I know to not over depend on them. I listen, I don't take sides. When people are in my life, they seem to enjoy being with me. I try so hard to keep my mental health in check, but I also don't keep it a secret. I just don't understand. It hurts to have given so many people a chance, to love them (and I still love them!), to be there for them, yet they leave. I feel often like an object or a dish rag that can be tossed aside at anytime.

So yes, now I close myself off. I suffer a lot on my own, and fear that another loss would literally kill me. It probably won't, but it could.

My T said that friendships can be hard to define. She said for her, the difference between an acquaintance and a friend is quality time. Sounds simple, but for me is taking a huge step.

Ugh! See. I know all of you and my T are right. That's the logical side of me understanding concepts. But the emotional side is petrified. It feels like a child going to school for the first time w/o their parents. I want to play sick and hide under the bed covers in the safety of my home.

Letting down our barriers is not always easy because they were there for a reason and we needed that reason at the time. The contact cycle is hard to understand, it starts with a feeling/ sensation for example you feel lonely and yearn to connect or reconnect with old friends. You have an awareness and an excitement about possible re connections. But at every stage we block ourselves, through projection( they won't want to reconnect with me, they are too busy) here we put our own fears and thoughts onto them or we with saw completely or we are confluent( this means enmeshed so much so that we can't tell which is us and which is them) at each stage there is a block and once we become aware of how we block ourselves we can try it a different way next time we try to make contact.