[Tongalee]

It was my birthday this week, and we had a small family dinner planned to celebrate. I was really looking forward to enjoying some games and fun with my family, but also feeling anxious because they tend to use small events like this as kindling for their ever-burning fire of family turmoil. The night went by with many missteps and we ended up changing many of the plans. We ate dinner in and neglected the playing of games. The night was filled with anxiety and tension, and I would have much rather that it didn't happen at all. This always seems to happen at my birthday get togethers, and I think that its because its so close to Christmas. I can't say that I've ever had a guilt/sadness/tension/tear/sick-ness free holiday, and it pains me to say that I've both dreaded and hated the season since I was little.

I emailed my therapist to let her know that I'm not doing well, and now on top of everything else, I'm worried that she's going to think I'm suicidal. Maybe I am, I keep thinking bad thoughts. Though I would never do anything. I say it's for my nephews, so that they will always have an aunt who will be the best that she can be for them, but I doubt that that's really the reason.

I don't know why I'm posting this. Maybe I need to get it out, maybe I need the support. Probably I'm just a stupid girl trying to decide whether she thinks she's worthwhile or not. Sorry, just not feeling all that joyful right now.

[unaluna]

I never want my nephew to think its an option. Or any of the other little cousins.

[growlycat]

I hear you about the holidays! And other supposed-to-be-special events.

I always idealize in advance how fun it will be only to have my family hurt me every time. Hugs to you. I wish I knew the answer.