Feel Like I'm Being Judged

Patagonia,

I would suggest that you talk to your t about the confusion between the different parts of you - some that feel shame and want to stop cheating - and some that want to continue. Make sure she understands that you are conflicted about this, and that she needs to realize that the way you feel at one time might conflict with the way you feel at other times. So what you need from her is to help ALL of the parts of you (one at a time if that's the only way possible) to talk openly about how they feel about the affair, what they want to do, and why.

It sounds like she is attempting to reason with you in terms of your adult side. But there are other parts of you (no doubt child parts) that have come about due to traumas in your past and who no doubt have feelings and motives of their own they are bringing into the mix also.

Make sure she knows that you are very sensitive to anything that sounds like criticism coming from her, or pressure to make a decision that you are not sure about yet. Can she agree to neither encourage the affair or discourage it? and instead, serve as a "facilitator" in helping the different parts of you talk and understand one another?

If your DDNOS is similar to mine, it will be vital for you to: (1) work on becoming aware of your different internal parts, then (2) allow each one of them to separately share their feelings and needs with you and your t in the therapy room, and finally (3) learn how to help those various parts begin communicating together.

Accomplishing those 3 steps can take quite awhile. But at least in my own case, that is the only possible way for me to make decisions about very sensitive, highly emotional things, without continuing to suffer the "back and forth" agony of parts who engage in an internal "tug of war" because they don't have the skills and help to work as a team to make a decision they all feel good about and can live with.

I hope this makes sense!

Hang in there. . .I know how hard it is to have internal parts who can have such different goals, feelings, and needs.

Peaches

Thank you everyone for your opinions, I really value them...all of them. I like the diversity.
I have an appt tomorrow that I decided to keep & try to get all my parts to come forward & participate. I'll tell you how it goes.
Thanks,
P

I'm thinking that the different parts of yourself are seeing themselves in T, and maybe the judgmental part of yourself, being strong now, sees that in the therapist. So, It seems that T's job is to help you sort through all those dissociated or conflicted parts of your own self, so that you can have some structure that you can go by in your progress. She said she wouldn't stop seeing you even if you continue the affair, so sounds like she wants to work WITH you not steer you. If you only need advise, you could go to the preacher. What you need, and probably will receive from this T, is help to know your own self and the differences of opinion you described are inside yourself.

Sounds like your T is trying to help you understand your choices and the consequences by using real life situations to get through to you. If you are feeling as though your morality is in question...good. Choices have consequences might be the message.

So I did go to my appt to discuss this. She knew things didn't go well & I told her I felt like she was judging me by bringing up these questions & telling me that what I was doing was hurting my marriage. She did AGREE w/me & said that she felt she had parts that had to, felt obligated, to tell me what I was doing was wrong. When I asked her why she said she felt like she had to repeat her stance of it being wrong & concerned it was bec she wasn't sure that all my parts heard it or understood it. So she had to make her point clear.

So what I heard was that she wanted me to know, clearly, that what I was doing was wrong & hurting my marriage & would eventually come out. After that it was pretty much silence.

Ok, I really want to call it as I see, and so, forgive me, I will just blurt it out. I would understand if she voiced her moral opinion in cases when someone is abusing the child, the elderly, the disabled or in other cases of that sort where there is a clear abuse, violation of human rights and other atrocities.

What's going on between adults who are equal to each other in terms of how much power they have in the relationship is not for anyone to judge, least of all for a therapist. When it comes to intimate partnerships, everyone has the right to make whatever choices they want to make. We can think whatever we want about their choices, but we can't impose our moral standards on others, again, therapists being the last ones who have the right to do so. It's their job to make people understand their choices better and to figure out FOR THEMSELVES what's best for them, not to tell them what to do.

You are not a child and she is neither your mother nor your teacher. Whether your choice is wise or not, best for you or not, you are an adult and have the right to make that choice, and if your T truly wants to help you, she should get off her judgmental horse and try to understand you and help you understand yourself. And if she can't put her moral standards aside while working with you, she should refer you to someone who can. If she imposes her morality on all clients, she should change the profession.

This is where she is going wrong and judging you. To be fully professional, she absolutely must not make such comments to a client. Her views of morality are irrelevant to your treatment, and her comments are both unprofessional and unskillful.

It is not her job to tell a client what is wrong or not wrong for them to do.

Oh boy. This is so many kinds of inappropriate I don't know where to start. I'm so sorry your therapist can't look beyond the narrow horizon of her own private morality in order to DO HER JOB, which is to help you work out what is best for you. She doesn't have the right to tell you what would be right for her to do, which is essentially what she is doing here.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I don't understand your therapist having "parts" that are compelling her to act unprofessionally. Is it normal for a therapist who practices Internal Family Systems therapy (which I'm assuming yours does) to have parts? Because I would find that seriously crazy-making.

She's always talked about her "parts" & having different opinions. It does make things very confusing sometimes esp when I have a genuine part that steps forward.

I feel like after our last appt & what she declared that I'm just going to have to lie to her about that part of my life. She was the only one that I talked to about it & I'm really going to miss having that. I guess it is a true secret.

Thanks for your reply. I would find that destabilizing, no matter what reason I entered into therapy.

I imagine you're invested with this therapist and would have a hard time leaving, but could you see another just to talk about this part of your life (which, really, is the most pressing)? Keeping it to yourself just doesn't seem at all healthy.

Update.
It's been 4 weeks now. She knows these issues I have w/men & these affairs r a huge part of my life. The most pressing bec they touch so many other parts.
Almost 5 weeks. Monday is 5.

She hadn't brought it up to ask or talk about.

Now what. I guess I'm done

If it is important to you to talk about it, let her know. It sounds like you haven't brought it up either?

I guess you're not going to get much further with your t if you can't discuss something so important.
Maybe time to look for another t? And, you could be explicit when you email new ones, that you need support with extra marital affairs and it's important that the t can be open minded about that. I'm sure there's a t out there for you.
Hugs and good luck xxxxx

Your therapist put her own needs ahead of your own. She's made it clear she doesn't approve and felt it was important for you to know that. I think it's safe to say you've done all you can to get help from her with this issue. 5 weeks was generous of you. I hope you can find one that's a much better fit and non-judgmental.

Thanks everyone for ur responses. I really appreciate u sticking w/ this thread to hear me out. Thank you.
Yes I'm worried that if I bring it up to talk about that I'm only going to get judged again...that I'm STILL doing this. It would b very hard to explain to her that I don't wanto stop doing this bec it brings life into my soul. Even though that "life" comes w/it's own set of hurts & circumstances.
I was really hoping to get over this....let it go....find another topic we need to work on, but this is Major to me. I would think she'd know that.
Maybe I'm just dragging my feet bec I so dread having to find someone else. I told myself from the beginning of seeing her. She was going to be my last. I don't wanto do T anymore. It's too heartbreaking w/o even touching on the pressing material