[BlessedRhiannon]

So, I've been noticing a pattern with my T lately, and it's bugging me, but I feel foolish and selfish bringing it up with her.

For the last couple of weeks, T has been running about 5 minutes late in picking me up from the lobby. Prior to this, she has nearly always been right on time. Waiting stresses me out, and she knows this. Part of me wants to say something to her, and part of me thinks I should just let it slide. She always gives me my full 50 minutes, even if she's late getting me. I think she has a new client right before my session, and I think that client always runs over. I've run over time by 5 or 10 minutes before, so I don't want to be a hypocrite and complain about this, at the same time, it does bother me.

The other thing that I've noticed is that T has her phone alarm set for 10 minutes before the hour in our sessions, and she has to stop and turn it off and then we continue on for another 5 minutes or so. It's very, very distracting to me to have her alarm go off. She's usually excellent at keeping track of time and her new practice of having her phone alarm go off feels very intrusive to our time.

I don't know what's going on with these time issues and my T, but it's bugging me and it's distracting and while I know it probably isn't, it feels personal...like she wants to make sure she only spends exactly 50 minutes with me and not a second more (even though she does give me more time when it's needed and she can do so).

[stopdog]

the alarm thing would really irritate me.

[pbutton]

That is exactly the kind of thing that would bother me. I'd try to force myself into believing that it did NOT bother me, then start acting out (only in my head, for the most part). I'd eventually cave and tell T.. in a messy, difficult to understand blurt of babble... he'd try to get clarification from me and try to get me to explain exactly WHAT and WHY it bothered me. I'd grasp for a reason that didn't sound as needy as "it hurts my feelings and I feel like you don't like me" but I'd keep acting like an *** until I finally managed to share that it hurts my feelings and I feel like he doesn't like me.

Then he would thank me for sharing, tell me how much he appreciates that I was willing to be vulnerable with him,and tell me that he understands how hard it is for me to share things like that. Then he'd figure out what he could adjust to make it better for me.

At least that's what has happened a million times thus far. Yet I still keep telling myself how foolish and selfish my feelings are.

Stupid therapy.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Pbutton - your post perfectly captures what will probably end up happening with me and my T. Except I won't act like an ***, I'll just pull away, become more distant, until I can't stand it and then blurt out what's bothering me. And then my T will probably respond the way you imagine yours would.

Ideally, I'd bring this up tomorrow and avoid the whole getting distant, letting it continue to bother me, eventually blurting it out fiasco.

[growlycat]

My t has an alarm on his phone too and I don't like it

[Virginia1991]

I just started a thread on "late t's" too. I tell myself all sorts of things in my head when she is late. I will let something like "her being late" ruin my whole session. It makes me angry and I just freak out (quietly in my head though, because that is my style). Then I send an email later with my "real" thoughts.

[sunrise]

BlessedRhiannon, your T could easily have a desk clock facing her so that she is easily aware of the time. I think having her alarm go off is her way of reminding YOU of the time without her having to say anything. If she needed to remind herself, she could just look at her clock and not be so disruptive. I think having the alarm go off is an indirect communication and she would do better if she just said things directly (isn't direct communication what Ts should model for us?), such as, "our time is almost up." That's very easy and requires no alarm. I would not like the alarm either. I expect my T to just tell me when it's time to go.

My T used to have his phone set to beep every time he received an email. I found this very distracting! I also thought it was kind of weird that someone would need to know each time an email came into his box. What's the point? To be constantly reminded one has friends? I asked him about it and he said he was so used to the sound that he didn't even hear it anymore, he seemed surprised I heard it or that it bothered me. (I, with my ADHD, am distracted by EVERYTHING.) He also didn't know how to turn off the beep, so I showed him that, and he obliged. I am sometimes surprised they don't understand these things will impact others....

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by sunrise

BlessedRhiannon, your T could easily have a desk clock facing her so that she is easily aware of the time. I think having her alarm go off is her way of reminding YOU of the time without her having to say anything. If she needed to remind herself, she could just look at her clock and not be so disruptive. I think having the alarm go off is an indirect communication and she would do better if she just said things directly (isn't direct communication what Ts should model for us?), such as, "our time is almost up." That's very easy and requires no alarm. I would not like the alarm either. I expect my T to just tell me when it's time to go.

My T has always had a clock facing her before...and still does! I know the battery is not dead (she's used her alarm before when the battery died). My T has not, to this point, been the type to do something so passive/aggressive as to set the alarm as an indicator for me that it's time to go. In fact, the one session where I kept watching the clock, she called me on it and suggested that I let her worry about the time. So, I'm really not sure what's up with the phone alarm. Maybe I just need to ask her. She's always before let me know when our time is nearly up, and suggested we start wrapping up. I was good with that. I dunno - the alarm thing happened during the extra session that I'd scheduled, which wasn't on my regular day. Maybe she has the alarm set for the client she usually sees at that time and forgot to turn it off?

I know, I know, I really just need to bring this up with her. If her phone alarm goes off today, I will.

That would bug the eff out of me, and then you have to use your paid session time to talk about it, which adds even more irritation (at least, it would for me). I would be so distracted by that alarm, the last ten minutes would be useless.

[MrPink182]

The alarm thing would piss me off, especially if I am deep in thought and hurting.

[baseline]

You really should tell her how distracting it is for you. It would bother me too. Your time is just as precious as hers. I'm sure she will understand. As for waiting in the lobby ....ugh. Hate that! I wait out in open office setting. Really feel awkward when he comes to get me. I feel like everyone knows I'm going in with the psych guy!!! One time a receptionist said out loud she's waiting for the psychologist. All eyes on me !!! I said "REALLY"??????
I told the Dr. how awkward that was. He said there is nothing wrong with coming to therapy think of it as going to a yoga class!!!!!anyway let her know!

[stopdog]

I would have a bad reaction to a therapist who told me it was okay for their receptionist to announce who I was seeing because there is nothing wrong with doing it or it was like yoga.Bull ********.

I refuse to see the ones with receptionists or part of a group setting. I don't even go to the waiting room of the ones I see - I go just on time or a minute late - I am not going to wait in their territory for them to summon me in.

Originally Posted by baseline

You really should tell her how distracting it is for you. It would bother me too. Your time is just as precious as hers. I'm sure she will understand. As for waiting in the lobby ....ugh. Hate that! I wait out in open office setting. Really feel awkward when he comes to get me. I feel like everyone knows I'm going in with the psych guy!!! One time a receptionist said out loud she's waiting for the psychologist. All eyes on me !!! I said "REALLY"??????
I told the Dr. how awkward that was. He said there is nothing wrong with coming to therapy think of it as going to a yoga class!!!!!anyway let her know!

I'd have announced back, "It's not what you think. We're just having an affair." Then again, that could be why I have few friends.

[baseline]

Originally Posted by licketysplit

I'd have announced back, "It's not what you think. We're just having an affair." Then again, that could be why I have few friends.

I wish I had the brass balls to say that!!!!!! Because it was what I was thinking WTF!!!

I tried letting my T keep the time but i cant do it. I have my purse sitting next to me open with my cell phone ringer off on top of purse and I check time. My T says that my insurance pays for 60 minutes so I have been ending right at 50 minutes so that she has time to write her notes etc after I leave.

She always wants to talk about rule following and why I am so concerned about it...

If I were in your situation I would just set my own timing to a few minutes before hers so that Im done before her alarm goes off.

[BlessedRhiannon]

So, of course, today - T is right on time, maybe even a minute or two early. And, no phone alarm. I wonder if it was just a Tuesday thing. Guess I'll see next week.

[Ididitmyway]

The alarm 10 min before the end of the session would bother me as well. None of my Ts had it set up, and, frankly, I don't see the need for it. The clock should be right in front of them, and so ending session on time shouldn't be a problem.

But the core issue is not whether the T is 5 min late or whether they have an alarm set. The core issue is that our inner process can't be squeezed into the schedule. Our psychological material comes out when it wants to come out and not according to the schedule. That's why the whole traditional therapy structure where you have to pour your thoughts and feelings out only within the specific window of time and at the time specifically scheduled for this is not helpful IMO. Therapy should be designed in such way that it would follow your pace rather than force you to produce emotional material by the schedule. People should have the freedom to schedule appointments whenever they want. It doesn't have to be a regular thing. The session time also should be flexible. If I remembered something important by the end of the session, I should be able to have some reasonalble extra time to process it instead of just being forced out the door.

But for that to happen, we need the universal health care system where therapists wouldn't have to count every minute of session because they have to charge you for their time. Then both therapists and clients would relax about the time because the therapist would be getting their paycheck from the government and wouldn't need to stress out about every single minute that goes unpaid. In the capitalist economic system where therapists have to charge for services this won't happen. I talked to someone who worked as a psychologist in Israel and she said that no one cares about starting and ending sessions on time there. Over there the time of the appointment is more like a suggested point of reference rather than the exact time you have to show up. That's why the therapist doesn't make it a big deal when the client is 30 min late because, most likely, he or she is still in session with someone else at this point. Vice verse, the client is not bothered if the therapist becomes available 20-30 min after the appointment time. It's just part of the culture where people are very relaxed about time and don't give it much of a significance.