Freezing up in sessions

Hi guys! I'm new here and glad to have found this forum.

I have been in therapy for almost a year, (just 1-2x monthly) and am having a lot of difficulty talking to T about what I need to. I get a lump in my throat, turn red, and freeze up, hem and haw, start crying and apologizing, etc. when she asks questions. I talk a lot, I just have trouble getting into really emotional stuff. The minute I leave her office, I know exactly what I want to say and I'm kicking myself.

I daydream a lot between sessions about talking to T openly, (almost like rehearsing,) but in sessions I can usually only get little bits out. I guess it's a trust thing that will take time, but I feel so frustrated because I'm ready to start working through certain things, if I could just talk.

I have considered explaining this, and asking T about email or journaling. She has only emailed me about appointment times a couple of times before so I'd have to ask. I feel it may be easier for me to write my thoughts outside of sessions and then us discuss more in person.

Here's the catch: I've recently realized I may have a few OCD tendencies. One thing I do is edit anything I write obsessively, especially if another person will read it. (Going to try to resist doing it with this post! So hard...)

I stay home with my 2 young kids, and writing a page could hours of writing, editing, rereading, deleting, etc. I put more pressure on myself when it's something personal, so this could be a doozy. I also tend to put things off writing about important things when I need to because I'm such a perfectionist I know it will be exhausting. I almost don't even want to open this can of worms.

I know this is a weird set of communication problems I'm having, but has anyone been through something similar? If you feel anxious opening up to your T in person, are there any strategies have you found helpful for that?

I apologize for the length. It probably would have taken me hours to cut it down to the "right" length, haha.

I already noticed 2 glaring errors I made in this post while trying to go back and "fix" a sentence. I swear I'm not illiterate!

Hi and welcome to PC!
Yes I can totally identify with what you have written. I particularly have OCD tendencies when it comes to grammar (especially apostrophes!) and spend ages rewriting text and tweaking emails etc before I send them.
It really bothers me that I can't do this in therapy with speech, and I think I come across very differently in person than when I write. This adds to my existing social anxiety.
My T has encouraged me to bring my carefully edited writing to session and read it out. This way I can get used to articulating myself verbally without having to worry about being immediate and unedited. Slowly (and alongside growing trust) I have become more able to talk to him somewhat openly, and this has transferred over to real life to some extent too.
I don't know if that helps at all but it's certainly been my experience.

I had this problem with other therapists and never got over it. With the one I'm seeing now, I feel totally different, so it might have been about having found a better "fit." One thing I do differently is take in a small notebook with a couple things I want to bring up--just a phrase or word for each thing. And I keep the notebook open to that page to remind me that I don't want to leave without bringing at least one of them up. She has never made me feel awkward about anything I share, and I have shared things I would never bring up before.

So, it could be that I got over freezing up because I found the right therapist for me, or it could be that I finally reached a point of desperation and am just willing to plow through the internal barriers and say it.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one!

Echos, I may ask about bringing my writing in and reading it aloud in person. As painful as it is to write, at least I can say what I need to say.

licketysplit, I can understand the uncertainty about whether it's more about the T or just you leaning in to the process more. I have wondered if it's a compatibility thing with T, too, since I have friends I can open up without freezing up. However, I think part of my difficulty may simply come from the therapeutic relationship. I am uncomfortable being the only one unburdening myself. I feel needy and embarrassed, and a little selfish and guilty for even having needs. I'm scared she will judge or resent me so I freeze up and shut down.

Maybe I could relax more with another T, but I think for now I just need to push through the painful parts and see how it goes before making any moves so I'll know I've given it a fair chance.

I think that's a good approach. It really is hard to know what drives the fear and reluctance to share. Maybe it varies at different times. Last week I told my therapist I felt so comfortable with her that I wondered if that's what therapy is supposed to be like, and she looked pained, as though I'd just said I had no idea that not all dogs maul their owners. That's not to say I won't run into some freezing up moments, but I think I'll be able to work through them better (fingers crossed). I hope things go well for you, as well.

Instead of writing your thoughts, record your verbal thoughts. Harder to edit. Limit your talking time, and play them in therapy. Also, send your T a note (500 words or less) to explain what you want to try and why. I'm sure T would be game.

Hi, CarefulHands. I think it can take a long time and be a slow process (rather than no you cannot talk versus yes you can talk) to learn to communicate with T. I was with mine for 9 years and just starting to be able to when we had to terminate because I was moving too far away, had a new job, etc. But I came back later, for another 9 years and it all worked out well.

I would work at praising yourself and how you work now rather than being disappointed and down on yourself about it? You are well defended! Your Self is not going to let anything hurt you! I use to think of it like I was a castle and could lower the portcullis, raise the drawbridge, cue the alligators in the moat and men with boiling pitch on the ramparts before my therapist could even blink next :-) Recognize that, that you do freeze and the Ice Queen has nothing on you The trick is to start playing with that, tell yourself you can freeze at any moment but right now you want to "listen" or say a few words more, or admit to yourself why you are so scared, etc. and start enjoying yourself and how you work. Like the Psalm 139 in the Bible says, we are "fearfully and wonderfully made". You are great, now, as you are. You are in therapy now to learn how to use it all is all. It's your magic castle, you're the magician. You can control how it all works, you just have to pay attention, learn how and practice, practice, practice.

I know this is a weird set of communication problems I'm having, but has anyone been through something similar? If you feel anxious opening up to your T in person, are there any strategies have you found helpful for that?I'm having this issue too with my new T. old T would get pages and pages of notes written in pen so I couldn't "correct" anything. Do that between now and T appointment see how it goes bring them and use them.

Hi. You are not alone me and T have what we call 'silently squirmy' sessions where I just CAN'T make myself talk. At first it was problematic, how do you do 'talking therapy' when you can't talk? T tried a few things like playing with stones and asking about them, but as soon as we got to the discussion but the wall went back up.

I started keeping a journal which to begin with was simply a list of things I wanted to (try to) discuss. I thought it would help get past the silence which it did a tiny bit. T noticed I often doodled in my journal and invited me to draw in session, but I'm far too self-conscious for that. Instead I started drawing in preparation for sessions to illustrate my feelings. And this was great......until he asked me to elaborate verbally. Back to the silence. So the next step was for me to annotate my drawings whilst I was still in touch with that particular vein of feeling, before the self-consciousness and defence mechanisms kick in. Then if on reflection I want to alter or add to the notes I do, but it's all hand written and I leave the original version visible because sometimes discussing the alterations has proven more insightful that the rest of the imagery and notations combined.

The two hardest things are
1) not thinking about the fact that the picture and notes are going to be seen by T (in the early days some were held back until I felt more comfortable)
2) not destroying images that I feel are technically inferior or completely erasing notes I find uncomfortable in the light of day.

There are still the odd silent sessions but now the squirmyness is shared. Talking to T openly about it was the best thing I could have done. It didn't stop it but it made it more bearable and sometimes useful. It definitely brought us closer too.

For me, I needed time, a gentle hand and a skilled practitioner who works hard to encourage me to talk. My meds have helped me relax a little too, which allows me to be more open. But I think time and gentle questioning has helped me the most.

I'm also having this issue. I adore my T. but she and my husband said it seems I don't feel safe in therapy but not sure how to change it except to keep experiencing it not changing.
I can't even pinpoint why I have a hard time talking. I'm usually most upset the night of my session and the next day. About a month ago, I started writing her letters when I'm upset tears and all. I started reading them to her in my session. I'm probably distancing myself from them when I read them but she's at least hearing my feelings. Yesterday she asked if I've noticed anything about the letters. She said they've gotten longer and more in depth. However, I still toss them to the side after I read them instead of going through them with her. I guess that's the next step.
Maybe try that?