Have you ever felt your therapist doesn't believe you (abuse)?

This has happened to me a few times. And each time felt extremely invalidating.

Like what my parents say or do now is not how they behaved in the past. I used to feel so mad at couple of my Ts, the ones I talked to about childhood emotional abuse, and they would say ask your parents about some related things and I would and parents knew it was for therapy so they would give the politically correct understanding answer and then my therapist would say, "See, they're saying they will support you in any possible way they can, as long as you're willing to meet them half way." I felt my therapists thought I was making it up, like I was a rebellious kid and now my parents were being all rational and supportive only if I be willing to reach and shake their open hand.

But my wounds come from a different time, different place. Back then they were very different people. I was little when I was emotionally abused. I learned to fear them. I stayed like that for years, that kind of powerlessness. But the two therapists I told about my childhood abuse, they seemed to have seen their fair share of abuse, and seemed indifferent or like they did not believe me or did not think it was a big deal. It was not so much what they said the overall expression, like I did not feel that I made them feel how bad it was for me.

I had a fantasy once with the second of the two therapists, that I would kidnap her one night from her bed and take her to my childhood. We would fly there. I'd tell her to come and hide in the closet with my little self and look out at my mom who threatened to kick me out at age 6 and also threatened to tell my angry dad when he came home, so he could beat me senseless. I was a shy little sensitive boy so that threat itself was more than enough to fill me with terror, I did not need to see dad take off his belt though he would more often than not do so anyways. One day I had put all my furniture against the door and he kept hitting his body against the door like a wild animal and I kept crying and saying I'm sorry but was afraid he'd kill me if I opened the door

I wanted to take her there and say to her, "Look, you see how small my arms and legs are, see how pale I look, you see how mom is manipulating dad just cause I did not help her cook and she wants to make me miserable cause her own life is out of control and since she can't get back at her own physically abusive mother and can't heal her old wounds, she wants to feel power over her child, a sadistic kind of power. "

I wanted to force T's face to look straight at my tear filled eyes and tell her: "Look, both of them are against me, both have ganged up on me, there is no good cop bad cop, it's all bad cop, I'm so afraid, I have nobody, we live miles away from the city, mom has severed relations with her family cause they take her mom 's side and so nobody will call today, nobody will check on me, what if they kill me!"

Then she says "Oh they wouldn't, you're so sensitive, it was just a threat, didn't you say this happened before?" I say, "Yes, but how do I know they not gonna, I'm only six, I don't have life experience like you. Also each time these fights happen I think they gonna throw me out or kill me, I even thought about running away but I don't know where to go and afraid if they find me they will really kill me!"

So how would the next day go, she says? I say, "I would fake illness and stay home cause when mom realized she was needed and took care of me, she became nice again. When I was weak and helpless and sick, I would not move and go out or have fun or disagree, I would just sit there and let her take care of me, and then she would be nice again. Then dad would come home and not be mad either and even if he was mad for a different reason, mom would tell him P. is sick and so be nice. Then during the coming week I would remain mostly home and sickly and very obedient to point of not knowing who I am anymore or what I want. Then when mom would be in a good mood for several days, I would remember my old self and again start going after things I wanted. Till next time it happens again."

Then T would say, "Okay, so yeah it's worse than I thought, you actually did look scared and I'm a grown woman but sitting next to you I sort of get it now, I can feel it now." Then she would hug me and say, "It's okay, you're here now, you're safe, you're a good boy, you didn't deserve how you were treated, but it's okay, bad things will never happen to you again, I know because there's a guardian angel on your shoulders, I can see it, trust me, you're safe and you're loved," and she would wipe away a tear and I would feel a real connection, like she actually understood me.

I don't know where I'm going with this...but thanks for reading.

I'm sorry Partless, a lot of what happened to was really subtle too. I often have a hard time explaining it in therapy. I'm sorry you didn't feel like your T's believed you. For what it's worth I don't doubt that any of this happened, or that it was horrible for you. I know that I would be really horrified if something like what you described happened to me.

You absolutely deserve to have those feelings validated, Partless. You have articulated what it was like to be that small, helpless boy so well, I can feel it with you just to read it.
The idea of bringing your T to that time in your life is a really good one and something that you could explore in therapy.
I hope you show this fantasy to your T. You are well attuned and compassionate towards your younger self, and there is scope for really good work in therapy there. (for grown up Partless) and (for the terrified
little boy you describe)

I'm sorry to hear of your childhood experiences No child should have to live in such a terrifying environment. Not that it helps, but I've found that sometimes ts try to come across as unfazed by things their clients say - as a way of normalising the client's experience. I, personally, find this approach, in many circumstances, to be invalidating. As well, if you're a quite, intriverted person who finds it hard to speak up and say what happened then not being fully heard is really painful. I think the technique does work for some people, but can also have the opposite effect on others. I second the idea of printing out your post for your t - what you wrote hits the soul

I read somewhere most of them only believe about 50% of what we tell them. I'm sorry you've been invalidated.

My T didn't believe what I told him either. I don't know why a t would think we go to see them to make stuff up. It's a big deal to seek therapy, It's money out of our pockets, it's TIME spent out of our lives to find help in some way. Many of us don't know how our past affected us, that is why we are looking for the t to connect the dots. We may see a little but surely many of us are missing some important facets that we can't see because we lived it! The whole point of therapy is being honest in a trusting environment. I mean unless I've committed a crime (which some may have) why in the world would a client be lying? I'm sorry your T did not believe you either. I can't imagine how terrible you must feel after opening up and having your life story belittled. This is so sad. I hope you have the strength to find another therapist who will give you validation.

I often wonder if my T believes me. she says things like most people wouldn't have come out of what you have been through as well as you have . etc.... it makes me think that she doesn't believe me because im not more screwed up. but then she will refer to the mother as sadistic and torturing me .and how she is angry for me . it is confusing.

I felt invalidated by my T a few weeks ago. I was telling her about a mentor who abandoned me. I explained to her the events that lead up to the abandonment. She started making excuses for my T (that's how I interrupted it). I told her how I found my mentor again later in life, and she wound up abandoning me a second time. She again tried to find an excuse (again my interpretation). I wound up completely breaking down and told her how she was making me feel. She told me that she didn't mean to invalidate my feelings or experiences. She was just simply trying to provide me with a different perspective so I could let go of feeling like the abandonment was my fault.

I think Ts sometimes try to help us see things differently, but don't realize that we need acceptance, reassurance, and to be believed on top of learning how to gain new/more perspectives. I also think they tend to encourage us or praise us, yet we also want our pain to be acknowledged.

Maybe try talking to your T about how you feel that she doesn't believe you. Maybe there's a misunderstanding? Like was the case btwn me and my T where we both misunderstood each other.

Yes, definitely, this is not just you. I have a theory that people don't like to believe abuse stories because it makes them uncomfortable. When I started with my therapist I told him about my crazy mom, and he didn't seem to grasp the severity of how ill she was no matter what I said. In fact I did and still do avoid specific stories because I assume no one will believe them. I told him about how distant my dad was, how he never wanted me around and abandoned me... don't think he bought it. One day near the end of a session my therapist told me to call and ask my dad something or other, and I was furiously angry and said "you know no one believes anything I say about my parents, but I cant call my dad and ask him that because he'll just hang up on me." It was like a light switched in his head that maybe I wasn't lying and to maybe take my word on it and be compassionate. About a year passed and in this time my therapist also saw my husband... one time I said I wish I could bring my mom here so he would know what I'm dealing with, and my therapist replied "you don't have to, your husband told me how crazy she was so I know." The implication was clearly that because it came from a third party, my husband, the information was believable. Who knows if he would have believed me on my own, I can tell you almost no one does out of therapy, so I never tell anyone anything bad about my mother. I pretend she is normal to avoid being seen like a crazy lying ***** myself.

Come to think of it I'm kind of mad about this.. My therapist before this one seemed to believe me. All I did was cry with her. She was mute, didn't touch me, had strict boundaries. All I did was cry for literally full hour sessions from moment one to 60 about my parents, and she in fact did say a couple things leading me to believe she actually believed me.

I've had both experiences, so I think it depends more on finding the right therapist. Some do not give feedback as a way for the client to feel and discern for her/himself. You've been clear that you do better with the kind that offers validation. I think most people in therapy prefer that. It feels awful to think we're being disbelieved.

The therapist I'm seeing now is the first one who shows any kind of emotional reaction--it's not huge, but it's genuine. It's an interesting experience. I prefer it over the others who had blank stares.

I'm confused about that last paragraph/scene, though. Is that fantasy or what really happens in your therapy?

My T was only looking to prove that I was lying to him. Strange for a T who was supposed to be supporting me, to turn against me. Still can't figure that one out (I have my suspicions but having trouble swallowing it). I didn't see it until it was to late. He only wanted to believe his own made up story instead of believing in me. He must have been experiencing a burn out. Maybe yours was in burn-out mode too? But how long does a burn out last for a T? I mean can a burn out last 2 years or more?

That is the sad truth. I am lead to believe its the way they are thought in collage and later on the job. Its their way off getting through the day. If they believe everything all that time they would burn out very fast. They do I'am sure take as much as we say and treat it with as much respect as they can. Establishing a good relationship with'in therapy is the best way off gaining as much trust as can be had.

Not sure how old you are, but emotional abuse from a parent is challenging to treat because the level of abuse is completely subjective and for the most part, not illegal. I'm not saying that it is OK...just hard to quantify. I had loving parents, but emotionally abusive in the sense that they completely neglected obvious signs that I needed serious help and attention. They pretty much contributed to my problems instead of helping. If you were to ask my brother and sister, there weren't any issues...they had very different experiences and needs then me.

It may be that your therapists are trying to get you to understand perspective and that while you feel emotionally abused by your parents, it is possible they didn't know any better and did the best they could. That was the case with mine. They had no clue what was going on inside my head because I never told them. A lot of the anger I built up against them was wasted because they really did do their best...it just wasn't enough and whose fault was it? Mine? Theirs? No one really.

No, never.
TBH, I always felt like Ts are trained to make fuss over nothing and "overvalidate" clients experience. At least that has been my experience...

I am glad that I haven't run into this. I wonder if it depends on the area of their expertise. The one I'm seeing now has focused most of her career on recovery from sexual assault. She neither over-validates or invalidates. But that's just one. All the others did not react much at all, I think as a way to keep the stress down, but it ended up just feeling dismissive.

Partless, I wonder if you can find a therapist with experience in emotional abuse? I mean, maybe they all say they treat that, but are there any in your area who really get it? Of all the things I've been through, the emotional abuse was by far the worst and longest lasting, yet people like to focus on the physical for some reason. I think they have it backward.

What I have found from my own experience is that what I went through in my childhood wasn't abuse.....it was that I had dysfunctional parents who weren't able to provide the things that I needed for my own growth & wisdom in life....most of what I was able to learn I learned on my own & my parents even commented that they thought the babies were switched at birth because I was nothing like them (thank heavens because I worked hard to NOT be like them)......but the things that were missing in my life could have been looked at as emotional abuse......but in reality it wasn't intentional.....it was because of their lack of ability & their dysfunctions that made the situations what they were.

I think all too many times we jump on the word abuse.....I know even in my marriage I thought....it was emotional abuse....but in reality...I ended up marrying an even more dysfunctional H than even my parents were but I thought because he was a college grad that no one intelligent could be as dysfunctional as my parents who barely got their high school diplomas.....boy was I wrong.

But when I looked at other abuse & compared it to what I had gone through there were holes.....that was when I started to understand that it didn't fit the total picture even though it definitely felt abusive in many ways.....but they were just so dysfunctional (all of them) they had no idea how they were effecting a normal person who wasn't at all like them.

We are quick to grab onto labels.....but that's why T's aren't because they want to see the bigger picture before doing that.

It doesn't make me feel that much better about what I went through....results are similar....but the way of getting there is different.

No, honestly, I've never had a therapist or psychiatrist not believe me. It's actually been more the other direction; they see more abuse and horror in what I went through than I was really willing to acknowledge myself. I was great at minimalizing my experiences.

It doesn't have to be intentional, or malicious for it to be abuse. And if the person says that its abuse then its abuse. Lots of people who commit abuse have their own reasons for doing what they do, and are often trying to meet their own needs in a problematic way, and that is dysfunctional, but the result is abuse. And I do not think that the term is overused. Abuse is something that exists in epidemic proportions, and that is something that needs to be pointed out. Moreover people should be allowed to choose their own labels for what happened to them, and if Partless says it's abuse then that's what it is.

And quite frankly its thinking like this that makes me feel like I can't discuss my own experience with neglect and and abandonment in the abuse part of this forum. What happened to me, and a lot of other people here is abuse, and no one has a right to say otherwise.

Thank you all, I feel better today, looking at it now I kind of feel ashamed of sharing that fantasy, looks childish, but I appreciate both sharing your stories and also sympathizing with me, I'm glad you guys hadn't all left your computers behind and gone for holidays early, you being there for me and those little hugs down there really did the trick and helped me feel better and not alone.

No it was still fantasy.

I think your T does this so there's a happy medium. Maybe she is trying to show you they care in some shape or form. However when this happens it looks like the abusers are getting away with what they did. I think your T should at least validate you in some way. You should bring this up and let her know how you feel. She may believe you and you don't know it.

Partless, I have no doubt this happened to you....a great deal of what you described happened to me. There was no place to go...no soft place...if I had run to a neighbor, they would have just brought me back...and I would get it again. The only thing I could do was stay outside as long as I could.

Yes - this is how I have experienced it also.

Not sure I completely agree with all of this as a general statement.

Just because someone calls something abuse does not necessarily make it so. If I take away my son's cell phone because he ran up expensive charges, he might not like it, call me unfair and tell me I'm a horrible parent, but if he were to call that abuse, that doesn't make it so. I'm not discussing any one person's experience here, so don't chastise me for invalidating anyone. That is not at all my point. But to say as a blanket statement that "people should be allowed to choose their own labels for what happened to them" is probably going a bit far.

I think we at some point have to differentiate between events we found hurtful for whatever reason that may stick with us and events and actions that go beyond that point to truly being abusive by definition.

Want to add: I completely see what Partless experienced as abuse. Again, my response above was only in context of a response to a statement by another poster.

Partless, I am late to this thread but I wanted to say that I am so sorry you had those experiences growing up, and doubly sorry that your therapist acted in such an invalidating way.

I am perhaps unusually lucky. I don't believe in that mentioned statistic of therapists believing 50% of what people tell them (I generally distrust statistics presented without a source - how was it measured, where in the world, which type of therapy, which age and education of the therapists, which population of clients - and does it mean that the therapists in the study claimed that they believe only half of what any given patient tells them, or that half their patients, on average, are untrustworhy? I'm sorry, but that is simply a scare statistic. I understand that it is comforting for those who prefer to think about therapists as universally bad, but I'm afraid they are not. No more than other professions.) but even so, I'm sure that I have been very lucky in my therapist. He has stated that he believes what I tell him about my past experiences and when I point out that my memories are foggy and uncertain and I might not remember correctly at all, his reply is this: Memories are always distorted one way or another, and it doesn't really matter that much what actually happened many years ago. What matters today is my recollection and how it affects me now.

I have never talked about childhood memories with a therapist prior to this one, and I'm sure I wouldn't do it if I did not think that he believed me. It is a deal breaker for me.