[JaneTennison1]

My T is always so positive and encouraging. Even when she is pushing me beyond limits and I get super annoyed and defensive she is still there. Steady and containing. I keep waiting for her to let me down or disappointment and she doesn't.

Isn't that a good thing? Shouldn't I be happy? Yet the more she is wonderful, the more I push back. We had a rupture recently and I don't think it's my fault. T validates my feelings and hears my side out even when she doesn't agree.

Why am I so backwards? T behaves exactly how I would want or need and yet it makes me feel more ashamed of the giant eff up I am. I want to curl in a ball and hide.

[Bill3]

yet it makes me feel more ashamed of the giant eff up I am

T treats you as if you were a worthwhile person. You don't see yourself that way. I wonder if you feel shame because you are sure that you are not what T seems to believe that you are.

[JaneTennison1]

Thank you. This is probably it 100%. The more she is nice about things the more difficult it is to accept. I haven't known too much kindness and don't feel worthwhile of someone's gentleness.

[stopdog]

For me it was because the woman expected something back and it felt awful at the same time. She now says she is being less kind and it is much much better for me. Her idea of kindness was awful for me.

[guilloche]

I'm about to run therapy myself... but I had an idea too!

I wonder if... the kinder she is, the safer you feel to express the negative stuff? Like, the more consistent and kind she is, the more you know it's OK to feel/say all the bad stuff, because she's showing you that she can handle it and won't run away?

[BlessedRhiannon]

I think, for me, it's that I don't feel I deserve the niceness. I also feel like there are all kinds of expectations wrapped up in that niceness...stuff I don't think I can live up to.

It's almost painful for me when T or my close friends are nice to me and I feel like they are being sincere. I just want to crawl in a hole and hide from them.

[MrPink182]

To add to this.....

Do you prefer niceness and very encouraging
or
Somewhat quiet at times, but honest?

[2or3things]

I similarly push my T away when things feel calmest/best with her. Part of it is feeling like I don't deserve it, and the other part is me feeling like the niceness is a ploy or, at the very least, doomed to end one day (when therapy ends). I'd rather not feel good then feel good and then lose it, so I push and I feel like SI and all sorts of stuff just when things are best.

[unaluna]

It always felt like a trick to me. My family was only ever nice to me when company was around or some other trick was up. So somebody being nice is a trick. Nothing good can come of it! I think its good my t has a lot of experience with kids and dogs. Esp dogs. I am just amazed that he doesnt get tired of me.

[sidney1771]

Oh...is it that we wish we could be just like them? Or is it that we hate them for being so nice to us because we just don't think we deserve it?

Enjoy the niceness. Trust me...therapists do make mistakes. They do eff-up and you will see their human side. It is their job to not do it often, you are paying them to not do it.

[Ididitmyway]

May be you don't feel ready to have an open, positive and warm engagement with the other person? Some part of you may feel safer when you keep the other person at a distance and wants this distance to be respected? I am not sure if I am off on this, but it sounds like your therapist is not very attuned to where you are in terms of your preparedness to engage with her. Anyway, it's just a thought..

[Ad Intra]

I have a feeling that you think you don't deserve to be treated nicely. I'm going to also assume others have hurt you. Your T treats you with compassion because she knows you're hurting and that a little bit of TLC goes a long way. I hope there comes a day you see yourself the same way your T sees you.

[JaneTennison1]

Originally Posted by Ad Intra

I have a feeling that you think you don't deserve to be treated nicely. I'm going to also assume others have hurt you. Your T treats you with compassion because she knows you're hurting and that a little bit of TLC goes a long way. I hope there comes a day you see yourself the same way your T sees you.

Thank you for this. I took this answer to T and she agreed with it. I feel you are probably right. I don't know how to accept caring.

guilloche This is an interesting idea too. If I stop fighting T I have to start working on things and that hurts too.

Thanks everyone, I have thought and will think about these responses.

[Roblovescats]

I read a book on codependency and it was pretty enlightening as to why people get into abusive relationships. When you grow up with a parent who is abusive you learn how to function and respond to it. It is what your norm becomes and being treated nice becomes very awkward because you never learned how to be part of a relationship with a good person. As much as a person may hate an abusive relationship they find a certain comfort in the normalcy it has for them. Its what they know.
I don't know what the details are for you, but that same thing applies to many conditions. If we spend a long time being treated badly by others we allow it to become ingrained in our self worth. It feels very weird and fake when we get treated any other way. When I get compliments I tend to not accept them as truth and pass the buck for the credit to others so that I don't allow myself credit.
I don't know what the solution is to allow yourself to accept others being good to you. I don't know what will ever change my self worth. I stopped going to a T long ago because it doesn't feel like it helps me. Everyone tells me I should. I don't have time or money for it. I just vent here for free.

FOOD ALERGY WARNING: contents may have been in contact with nuts

[BonnieJean]

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

It's almost painful for me when T or my close friends are nice to me and I feel like they are being sincere. I just want to crawl in a hole and hide from them.

Me, too.

I don't get any niceness from my T. It is simply not her style. Is it that niceness does not always feel genuine? I feel my T is very genuine.

[JaneTennison1]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I don't get any niceness from my T. It is simply not her style. Is it that niceness does not always feel genuine? I feel my T is very genuine.

Her niceness and caring feel genuine (whether they are or not) and that makes it even worse lol

Originally Posted by JaneTennison1

Her niceness and caring feel genuine (whether they are or not) and that makes it even worse lol

I wish my T was nicer. One word or sentence would be like a golden nugget. I'm curious - what kind of things does she say?

[A Red Panda]

Someone being nice to me is difficult. I don't know how to handle it, because I'm not really used to it.

I don't trust it, because I don't know what expectations are placed behind it that I won't be able to fulfill. What will happen when I don't give them whatever they're wanting back, what's the hidden agenda?

That's a large part of it for me. Another part is that I don't believe I deserve it, because I haven't done anything but be a burden.

A lot of the time I view it as fake because it's what someone feels they're expected to do and are just humouring me.

Sometimes even when I think it's genuine and has no strings attached, which is rare for me to think, I simply have no clue how to respond. Usually if I'm going to burst into tears it's when someone is being nice because I really don't know how I'm supposed to respond to it.

Some people just don't know how to accept niceness because it was so foreign for such a long time. It goes against everything we view as normal, and we can be afraid to accept it because it's what we want so much and are worried that it will end up hurting us more to have it and then lose it.

[JaneTennison1]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I wish my T was nicer. One word or sentence would be like a golden nugget. I'm curious - what kind of things does she say?

To me "niceness" ranges from support to saying things like "I'm still here, I still care" to telling me I have the strength (and stubborness) to face into my issues.

Niceness is also not leaving even though I think I'm awful. I see that as her being kind.

I'd like to hear 'I care'. I've tried that out in my head to see if it would make it worse. Perhaps I'd have to experience it to know. That would be a nugget to me, I think.