Bad termination - more details to my story

I don´t want to reveal the title of the book, I hope you understand why. I don´t get why it´s so hard to understand that it´s very important HOW a session is offered and that several circumstances, as I´ve already wrote about, made me not wanting to see her at that point.

If a T writes to you in an e-mail that she doesn´t know how to continue therapy - does that sound to you that she has a non judgemental and open attitude to discuss things? Would you feel safe and welcome to discuss things further?

Although she e-mailed me this I called her by the phone and I had hardly said anything when she asks me "Is it out of some particual reason you call me?". We hadn´t have any contact since her answer to my e-mails and it was obvious why I called. I also told her I wanted to discuss the issue between us. She also said she was sceptical to continue therapy.

Do you think meeting her would feel safe and that you were non-judged by such remarks?

I wasn´t hostile when leaving comments on the book, I even said I wanted us to find a way to continue therapy, as I also already wrote in my post earlier on.

Asking if I was hostile or angry just shows that you think that certain feelings would give the T a right to terminate. Even if I had been angry a T should always look into why and give you the opportunity to talk it through. And that without hesitating, showing attitude or something like that.

You don´t build trust by showing a client you´re sceptical even before the matter has been discussed.

Yes, that´s my point, the T is the person who should know how to react and of course my T knows it´s hard to terminate without a closure but she doesn´t seem to care. She texted me the question about the session and she didn´t leave any comments or anything besides that.

I told her how I felt, that I could have attented the meeting but not when she so clearly had showed her scepticism and attitude towards me. She never commented on that.

Well, there's no doubt that there are incompetent therapists out there. Whatever it was that happened between you, it's pretty clear that it was not a good match. The hard part is trying to regain enough trust to try again. If the same sort of dynamic emerges, then that's something for you to consider as a possible relationship pattern; if the same dynamic emerges, however, and it's a competent therapist, you will be able to work it out (which is not what happened with the other one).

I've had incompetent therapists, and questioned/blamed myself. Finally, after years, I found one who knows what she's doing and it's made all the difference in the world. There are good ones out there. I just think there are more of the other kind.

The challenge is trying to sort through how much is a relationship pattern of yours that needs to be worked on and how much was bad therapy.

You made a decision not to meet with her again. It does sound like you are the one who cut off communication with the therapist when you chose not to meet with her when she asked you to. I'm sorry you are confused and hurting. It doesn't sound like you were well suited to work together. Hopefully you'll find a better fit.

Why would you expect her to take an invitation
only made when the OP contacted the client, not after the client responded to OP's last communication,
and when T hasn't been seeing or hearing the client for the last several times
and the T initiated considering terminating in an indirectmanner when that wasn't what the client wanted and the T didn't invite discussion about possibly terminating.
What is it that makes you think the T will be more responsive, compassionate (and even if the T has tough things to say, the T should be able to say it compassionately) and that it is worth the client's time and money to go? Maybe I'm missing something.

I would have asked her what she meant by that, but no I cant say that I would presume she was judging me etc based on that one comment. Maybe she meant she wasn't sure she was effective as a counselor with you, and hence had no idea how to proceed, because her efforts thus far hadn't worked out.

No, I asked if you were hostile and angry because it seems vague that you would email her about the book and she would turn around and terminate therapy, that doesn't seem like a normal response to a question about a book. That being said, no one can say why she did that. She should have explained herself to you, provided a referral etc. For all I know it had nothing to do with your email at all. It could have been solely because you refused to see her when she asked if you wanted an appointment. My therapist again, has never asked me if I wanted an appointment. From day one I have always initiated 100% of calling and scheduling appointments for myself. If he is too busy I just work with him on finding a different day.

But yeah, I do think therapists have a right to terminate therapy, for any reason whatsoever. At least in my country, we are not slaves, everyone is free to take any action they want. I'm not a therapist but I have fired clients I simply couldn't work with. I had a client once demand a certain price and after underpaying me one year I fired her without a seconds thought, I am not a slave, I can and have charged more for my work. I don't work for charity (and she didn't need my charity anyways). Some people might not like that but it's not their opinion that counts. If my therapist didn't want to work with me or didn't think he could help me for any reason I would hope he would terminate me. I think it would be very painful, but what of the other case? What if he continued on not wanting me there, or continued to do work he was incompetent to do? How much would that hurt me financially and otherwise in the long run?

I wince when I hear that. I hurt when I hear it. One thing I pay a T for is so that if things get rough, or don't work out, to know how to handle it professionally so that I'm not unnecessarily further hurt and traumatized. Maybe you don't expect that much.

Yes, that´s exacly my point, a therapy should streighten things, not creating more trauma because that´s what has happened in my case. A new trauma has been "created". As you also point out, a T that doesn´t show neutrality and who´s not open to discuss whatever comes up in therapy doesn´t create a safe environment where you as a client can speak freely about emotions, disappointment and so on.

I have had this thought as well, at times when I´ve considered to call her some time in the future to schedule a session. I feel the risk is too high to be disappointed again and as my T didn´t say I could schedule a session later on either I feel she just don´t want me to contact her again. I´d never beg her for a session, I would just feel ridiculed.

I agree with you but the strange this is that it was a really good relationship until I sent her those e-mails about my "complaints". She said so herself, that therapy was a "real therapy".

As you say, a competent T will address this kind of relationship patterns if seen as unfavourable to the client, the T won´t then just end therapy.

It´s very easy searching for faults within yourself, of course you´re a part of therapy and what´s going on but it´s the T who´s responsible to address unhealthy actions or relationship patterns.

I find it really hard to get to evaluate a new T on those matters, how she will react if a client leaves complaints, a client cancells a meating and so on. But I won´t enter therapy again without knowing, just don´t know how to find out.

It's not though really. I think you even said it. Paula's therapist sucked, if she was that good at her job she wouldn't have left Paula so hurt and confused by the ordeal. I think an argument could be made she should have terminated before 3 months, but instead she let her get attached and then who knows, decided she couldn't help? Since she was acting so weird you could assume if she continued seeing Paula she wouldn't seem very caring and connected, so I think terminating while hard was maybe for the best. I can't imagine my therapist just dumping someone with no explanation. Seems like a good enough therapist wouldn't do that.

It sounds almost like your reaction about the meaning behind the book upset your T very much, although from your posts I don't understand why at all. I think your T should have referained from any further discussion via email or phone and just told you that if you want to talk then just make an appointment. Terminating therapy over email doesn't sound right at all, although I don't think she did. Your T said that she didnt know how to proceed with therapy, which in my opinion is not a termination at all. She was just stating her frustration (whether valid or not). I would have been a bit hurt by it, but would not have taken it as meaning she wanted to end therapy. The fact that you did say you didn't want another session would leave it up to you to initiate any more appointments. Not phone calls or emails- only a real meeting. You are free to do it at any time, otherwise all you will get is mixed signals and guess work. It is not ok ethically for a T to terminate for any reason they want to, but they can if they feel they can't help you or if they feel threatened somehow. I know She did eventually state that she may not be the right T for you, but I don't think she went about it the right way and is probably open to still seeing you if you ask.

Yes, that´s another aspect of the matter and also something that makes me very confused, the thing about my T herself stating I was attached to her and that I´d bonded with her.

She wrote this in a recommodation letter that I used to seek funding for the therapy and then, just after seeing me a couple of times and me leaving my comments on e-mail she suddenly said she was sceptical to continue therapy.

She also suddenly said that she had had thoughts about if she was the right therapist or not earlier on which is also very odd. Why letting me continue without letting me know she had those thoughts? And why writing a recommodation letter where she states we are doing "real therapy" if she was unsure.

As you say, I also felt that when she so suddenly talked about being sceptical and when she showed she wasn´t open to investigate my complaints further in therapy I partly lost trust in her.

Yes, you´re probably right about this, I think my T took my complaints too personally although she hasn´t said so of course. You´re right she didn´t say the word "termination" in her e-mail to me or when I called her but it was still obvious that she wasn´t interested in continuing.

If she could have looked upon my complaints as something to explore in therapy without taking them personally I´d most likely had still been in therapy.

I´ve thought about making an appointment but as we won´t proceed therapy anyway I at the same time feel it´s perhaps only odd to do so. I know my T most certainly has another T or supervisor to talk to so even if she perhaps shouldn´t deny me a meeting I would probably just feel stupid when seeing her. I mean, she doesn´t need any more discussions on her behalf.

a[quote=PaulaS;4172988]I agree with you but the strange this is that it was a really good relationship until I sent her those e-mails about my "complaints". She said so herself, that therapy was a "real therapy".

As you say, a competent T will address this kind of relationship patterns if seen as unfavourable to the client, the T won´t then just end therapy.

It´s very easy searching for faults within yourself, of course you´re a part of therapy and what´s going on but it´s the T who´s responsible to address unhealthy actions or relationship patterns.


If you had a really good relationship before these emails why not contact her and asked what happened? Tell her you felt you had a good relationship until the emails and then it all fell apart and you don't understand why. It very well may have been a horrible misunderstanding. It is frequently been discussed here and many other places that a lot of miscommunication happens through email. You may feel she wants to terminate and she may think that is what you want but in reality neither wants it. Most therapists will not go after clients to come to appointments if they don't want to. So unless you reach out you will never really know how things really went down.

[QUOTE=nottrustin;4173970]a I love this suggestion (for me, I don't know if it fits for PaulaS) At first I sort of argued with it, but it "felt" right. I'm thinking about it. Thanks.

The therapy is already that closed down that there´s no chance there will be continuation. She has told me to try to find a new T and she has also repaid me the money I paid her in advance for some sessions.

I agree to it could have been misunderstandings but I think the possibility to continue was more or less zero already when she asked me "do you call me out of any special reason" when I called her to schedule a meeting after I sent her the e-mails and she answered them by stating she didn´t know how to proceed.

I think she thinks she gave me a chance to continue when she offered a session through sms after we had talked on the phone and then she quite fast shut everything down not being bothered at all when I told her I didn´t want the session due to the circumstances.

The hard thing is that I still miss her quite badly.

this is so painful, complex and very confusing. it sounds like you both are not a good match and there is a fair bit of counter-t as well.