[Soccer mom]

In your session do you ever feel like a thought or a feeling isn't important enough to mention? In between sessions I'll think I should tell my T. something and then when I am in there I think "it's not really important, why bring it up, no big deal".

I think someone mentioned recently that it's a trait of someone with disorganized attachment - thinking feelings/thoughts aren't important.

I do this a lot and plan to talk to T. about it today. Curious about your experiences.....

Yes, all the time. It has been a recurring theme in two and a half years of therapy (and it is there in every single other relationship I have, though it's not usually a problem outside therapy). T has a whole battery of names for my inner censors, the ones that tell me that my thoughts are unimportant.

[Soccer mom]

I have the internal dialogue that I'll get through my situation whether I talk about it or not, so why bring it up. It's all a part of suppressing my feelings when I was a kid. I do it now and it feels so unnatural to talk about them at all especially in relation to my T.

[unaluna]

The least important ones are probably the most important ones, so the ones that seem most important are probably not that important, so does that mean they really are important...?

This is why i try to just say whatever comes into my head, without judging, and thats probably why we end up talking about my poops sometimes but hey its literally just the other end of an eating disorder. And what is a parents first job? Helping you meet or respond to your body's needs. Sometimes we have to start that over from a very basic level. Making it okay to have those needs.

hankster - yeah, my T's usual reply when I say "it's not important" is "when you say that, I know that it is", or something similar. (Actually, most of the time he says nothing, but he has said that often enough that I know it's what he is thinking.)

I figure that's what I pay the man for--so he can hear whatever is on my mind for whatever reason. Somewhere along the line I stopped filtering my thoughts for my therapist; I found that's when I started making significant progress. He was able to help me sort through things, figure out my thinking, just be sounding board for whatever I needed to vent.

[NowhereUSA]

I probably did at the beginning but six years into it, I just let it fly. Even to make fun of the state of his office. Like lola said... I'm paying the man to listen to me. This is my time now and if I want to talk about how much I liked watching Person of Interest last night, then I will damn well tell him all about it. I've had sessions like that where I was just tired of talking about my depression. I've discussed philosophy or literature, I've talked about the last movie I watched. I've told him that it bugs me when people try to talk to me in the waiting room.

Idk. And in all that mess, somehow what I need to say gets out.

[guilloche]

Isn't it normal? I mean... I'm still very new feeling to therapy, but I very quickly figured out that I don't have enough time to say *everything* that I'm thinking or that's going on for me. I have to prioritize, or we'll run out of time before we get to important stuff. Some stuff just doesn't make it to the top of the list...

I guess I don't understand how you know whether you're not talking about something because you're avoiding it (by saying it's not important) versus doing a good job of prioritizing your stuff, and trying to not waste time on stuff that really isn't that important?

[nervous puppy]

UGH! Every damn time! I feel like I have to decide what's valid and what isn't because time is so limited. Then sometimes even if I know I should bring something up, I can't get the words out. Why does this happen?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by guilloche

I guess I don't understand how you know whether you're not talking about something because you're avoiding it (by saying it's not important) versus doing a good job of prioritizing your stuff, and trying to not waste time on stuff that really isn't that important?

Its kind of like how i decide if a joke is generic or personal. If its generic, then anybody could invent it, like about traffic or weather or something. If its personal, then only i could invent it. Even so, this is probably on a continuum. My better or more successful jokes are usually more personal.

So, like take world events. I dont feel like i need to talk to t about every earthquake around the world. But if i find myself really reacting to THIS earthquake, or like the Detroit Lions N. Suh blatantly stomping on Aaron Rogers this past Sunday, then even though its about world events, it is more towards the personal end of the continuum - today i did talk about bullies in my family, but not Suh. So it kind of influenced my focus.

Originally Posted by guilloche

I guess I don't understand how you know whether you're not talking about something because you're avoiding it (by saying it's not important) versus doing a good job of prioritizing your stuff, and trying to not waste time on stuff that really isn't that important?

That assumes that you know that you can do a good job of prioritising, though; there is a third option, which is genuinely not knowing whether something is important or a waste of time.

My T does not want me to spend my energy on prioritising, because for me, that becomes self-censorship. And almost anything can be important in therapy, too. It's one of the ways in which therapy is different from real life. Most of my thoughts and feelings are irrelevant when I am with other people, and I learnt at a very early age that being quiet was the way to be safe. The latter is not true in the same way now that I'm an adult, but it is always a safer option to be quiet when in doubt. But in therapy, those irrelevant thoughts and forbidden feelings are suddenly not unimportant, for 45 minutes, and then they become unimportant again. Small wonder I'm confused about it all.

[nervous puppy]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

That assumes that you know that you can do a good job of prioritising, though; there is a third option, which is genuinely not knowing whether something is important or a waste of time.

My T does not want me to spend my energy on prioritising, because for me, that becomes self-censorship. And almost anything can be important in therapy, too. It's one of the ways in which therapy is different from real life. Most of my thoughts and feelings are irrelevant when I am with other people, and I learnt at a very early age that being quiet was the way to be safe. The latter is not true in the same way now that I'm an adult, but it is always a safer option to be quiet when in doubt. But in therapy, those irrelevant thoughts and forbidden feelings are suddenly not unimportant, for 45 minutes, and then they become unimportant again. Small wonder I'm confused about it all.

You make an excellent point. Part of my problem is simply opening my mouth to speak. I too learned as a small child that my best option was to keep quiet, so talking about me and my feelings does not come easy. I think this would be a good think to bring up to my t at our next session. I may even bring along this thread to help me explain it.

[ThisWayOut]

I do that a bunch, though I have found it's mostly in relation to things I feel really strongly about (or are very important to me), but also feel an incredible amount of shame around (or fear judgement about it). Like for mastadon and nervous puppy, quiet was always the safer option growing up. Now, when there's something that scares me to talk about, I get incredibly quiet and still. Then I brush off what I was going to say with "it's stupid" or "it's not important"...

[jaynedough]

If I'm very depressed, I end up not saying as much as perhaps I should during my session.

In between appointments, I keep a list on my iPod that I send the day before my appointment. I usually edit out at least half of that before I send it.

Sometimes I tell myself I'm just being stupid or a drama queen or too familiar.

[guilloche]

Thanks, good points about prioritizing and having trouble saying things. I think it's a bit weird for me right now, because with previous Ts - I'd go completely silent (and blank). I literally could not think of anything at all to say. For some reason, this current T is pretty good at getting me to talk. It's far from perfect, but I'm now having days where I come in with too many things to talk about (clearly more than we can get through in an hour - even if he doesn't stop to ask questions!).

Anyway, I was pretty shut down today, and I remembered this thread, and mentioned a dream (about therapy) that I thought was not that important, and surprise, he was able to find lots of meaning in it. So, thank you all. Not sure I would have brought it up otherwise...

i feel like this too, and i worry about not being interesting or talkative enough for my t or having trivial things to say.