[musinglizzy]

This topic was started on a different post but got deleted.
I just saw these feelings voiced in a round a bout sort of
Way and thought I would bring it up myself, in its own
Thread which isn't hijacking anyone else's thread.

Some of us have feeling about our Ts, whether transference issues
Of various forms, etc, which may hinder therapy.

My T talks about her cherished teenage daughter regularly in my session.
Doesn't linger on it.... But I have talked to her about the feelings it brings
Up in me to have her talk about her precious daughter during my sessions.
She continues to.... Do you think it's on purpose and she is trying to maybe
Desensitize me to the subject? I just don't like it...

It's impossible to know, of course, until you ask her, but I see other possibilities as well:

— She is illustrating a healthy parent/child relationship/bond (I think you said you are a mother as well?).

— She does it for herself, to put some space between your growing need and her need for autonomy (the same way a woman might talk about her boyfriend a lot to a male co-worker).

— She forgets that it's upsetting to you.

Anyway, it's hard to know, but from everything that you've written about her, she has fostered a close relationship with not much protection for you emotionally. You've benefited from it, but at the same time are now feeling the pain of it.

This is why therapists have to be careful and really know what they're doing. I'm not saying yours doesn't, but this is definitely something that's weighing on you and needs to be worked out so that you feel stronger between sessions.

You have what sounds like good, open communication. I hope you work it out soon.

[musinglizzy]

Wow.... It really touches me you've paid attention enough to know some background too! Yes... I agree with you that she may be too relaxed in get boundaries. I enjoy it to a point, but it could be more trouble down the road. Who knows. But I just trust that after more tha. 20 years as a psychologist, she knows what she's doing.

I think my thoughts are pretty pathetic and they have a negative impact on my life, but I can't seem to change them. And bring reminded how cherished her daughter is hurts. Happy for her.... But I've not been cherished by much of anyone, even in my marriage....that's hard too.

"I've not been cherished by much of anyone, even in my marriage." This is the thing to work on, imo.

(Your thoughts are not pathetic, btw. They are very human.)

[musinglizzy]

Thanks. My marriage is what ultimately brought me into therapy.... Everything else came second.

[Petra5ed]

I think LS is right. My T does this and claims it's to demonstrate a healthy parent /child bond. But I interpret it as him getting space from me. I told him it hurt me as well but that didn't change anything. And for the same reason as you muzzling lady, I was not so loved etc etc, mixed I'm sure with jealousy and envy.

I think when you're with a person and disclosing parts of yourself you naturally want to hear in response from your therapist "I care about you" or "I'm here with you." But, IMO this is like the opposite, it's like "oh sorry your parents were like that, by the way I love my real kid to death (not you) and I'm there for her all the time, just thought you'd like to know."

[unaluna]

She should not be talking about her "cherished teenage daughter" during your sessions. Wtf? Is she going to ask you for advice if the kid starts behaving badly? This is bad t. THIS i think is abusive, not the old t asking about the young clients naked pictures! Ironic.

Eta - boy somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning! Sorry! I better get some donuts to sweeten up

[stopdog]

I think it is odd the therapist would mention much about their daughter too without there being some reason.

I have not had a situation where I thought a therapist would be better than my own parents. Usually I wonder if their offspring are as screwed up as I imagine them to be after being raised by such whackos as I find therapists to be. The friends I have whose parents are therapists certainly are not unscrewed up. The therapists I know as friends are not without their issues with their children. I don't have children and did not like being one and family stuff is not a big thing with me. Usually when the therapist mentions their family at all to me - I just ask why she is telling me about it. Usually her response has been to admit there is nothing therapeutic in her revelations, just that she thought I would find it interesting. Shocking sometimes how little she knows me.

[wheeler]

We quite often talk about my T's children, as well as my own child. For me it's fair natural and 'normal' but at times it does evoke jealousy-type feelings. And what I'm learning that it's important, and welcomed that I talk about all my thoughts and feelings not matter what the precursor. I am also FB friends with my T and we have recently talked at length at the feelings that can bring up, both 'negative' and 'positive'.

My T and I talk about our children pretty regularly, so it doesn't seem odd to me that a therapist would mention his/her kids regularly, but I don't have any feelings of jealousy or anything about it. It's just part of the normal course of our conversations for us. He doesn't bring his kids and grandkids up for any other reason than that we like to talk about our kids and what is going on with them. We are both very involved and proud parents and family people.

It might be that your therapist is keeping things real with you. A way to keep a certain grounding in reality that her life and your life are two separate things. For me, knowing about my T's family doesn't cause jealousy; instead, it keeps his life separate from mine, very real (he doesn't sugar-coat his family), and keeps it from becoming fantasy or obsession in any way. He's just another family guy just like me.

[LindaLu]

I've wondered this too in relation to my T. She is increasingly referring to her relationship with her SO (wife? Partner?) during our sessions. It could be to desensitize the topic (as Musingly said) or to demonstrate secure relationship (as Peri5d said) but the frequency is puzzling and starting to annoy.

Then again it's my own fault for not calling her out on it...whereas Musingly has expressed discomfort about the cherished daughter references and yet they keep coming. Why? Sessions should be about client. Not invoking the more-important daughter who is not/should not be in the equation.

And 20 years in the profession can produce good judgement or burnout. Maybe this T needs better supervision or therapy herself.

[SnakeCharmer]

Honestly, darling, the problem is not that your T talks about her daughter. The problem is you feel envious and jealous and unloved and probably unlovable. Getting your T to never mention she's the mother of a loved daughter won't address the real issue of your emotions.

You suffer from jealousy and envy, you feel unloved and unlovable, you know it, you've identified it well and what triggers it. That's good. You're miles ahead of most people who suffer from envy and jealousy.

Now, please consider telling your T you want to work on yourself, on your own emotional reactions, not that you want to make her change so you don't have to think about it.

I wish you well in the New Year and hope this will be the year when you begin to know in your soul that you're amazing in your own right.

[stopdog]

I have had good results from telling a therapist not to talk about something and then enforcing it when the woman starts to do so. They eventually learn to stop in my experience. It took some vigilance on my part, but well worth it.

[Ford Puma]

My T [I nearly spelled that Mr T ] does not do things like that with me. She would not go on about her family or herself at all. I think she just does not have it in her to try and press too many buttons in me. She knows I have had difficult life, result been I think she would only try one or two things therapy wise. The envy/jealousy things is their though. Only what I perceive mind you.

[KayDubs]

Originally Posted by Ford Puma

My T [I nearly spelled that Mr T ]

Now when I pity the fool, how does that make you feel?

[musinglizzy]

Thanks for the replies...had I not been in a "safe place" to feel emotional this morning I probably never would have wrote it. Yes, I know the problem is MY feelings....I wish I didn't care, honestly! Jealousy seems like such a dirty word to me, I really feel pathetic feeling that emotion. I try not to at all costs. But oh yeah, I identified it right away, and realize that's what it is. No issue there. But knowing that's what it is certainly doesn't make me feel any better about it. I have so many things I need to be working on in therapy, but this is one topic that we tend to eventually shy away from. I'll bring it up, but we don't talk about it a great deal. I know I'm suffering there. At my age, all I feel is disgust. At this point, I really don't want to care anymore...I want to walk away with my head held high and not be reminded of what I missed out on, how badly my life sucked...and just move on from here. I know it doesn't work that way...but it would sure be nice if it did. My marriage is only the tip of the iceberg. There's a lot more. In fact, a lot of it probably had something to do with me choosing the wrong person as it is.

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

Honestly, darling, the problem is not that your T talks about her daughter. The problem is you feel envious and jealous and unloved and probably unlovable. Getting your T to never mention she's the mother of a loved daughter won't address the real issue of your emotions.

You suffer from jealousy and envy, you feel unloved and unlovable, you know it, you've identified it well and what triggers it. That's good. You're miles ahead of most people who suffer from envy and jealousy.

Now, please consider telling your T you want to work on yourself, on your own emotional reactions, not that you want to make her change so you don't have to think about it.

I wish you well in the New Year and hope this will be the year when you begin to know in your soul that you're amazing in your own right.