We did IFS today and I almost cried

The roads were okay though it's extremely cold, so I had my session. We focused on the experience where I felt she was there with me and holding my hand. I said I felt sad because I know it's about my mother and not about my T. I felt sad for that little child who was loved but is still wanting to be loved because it wasn't enough or wasn't the right way.

T had me close my eyes the way we used to do IFS in the past. She came over and held my hand while we talked about how that part felt. I said she wanted to cry but couldn't. I still have never cried in therapy though I want to. She wanted me ask the part why she can't cry. I think there are a few reasons, and told her.

Then we talked more about the child's feeling of wanting. She asked if it was "longing" and I said yes. T said it's okay to cry and near the end of the session a tear almost fell down. I tried blink but that didn't help. I said it was stupid to talk about how to cry and was getting embarrassed. She had me put yhe embarrassed part aside. I was still holding T's hand with my eyes closed. She asked if the child part knew I was there. She did and told T I wanted to hold and hug that child and squeeze her and tell her how much I love her. My T had me pull my hand away slowly, and open my eyes slowly. I said I felt connected to her and she said she felt connected to me too. She told me how far I've come.

I cried in the car. Not because I was sad but because of the connection to my T. She's so special and her methods help me more than any other T.

I just wanted to share. I wish I could cry in my session but T says I can't force it. It's been 5 years, though. I'm so glad I didn't have to cancel today!

Wow that session sounded like a game changer. It's wonderful you had such a good session.

To me.....that sounds amazing!

Thank you. I've struggled with the intimacy of the kind of therapy my T does. I have trouble letting go, letting her see and hear what the child part wants and needs. With former Ts, I felt ashamed of expressing those needs. My current T welcomes and encourages them. I am finally getting it all out and that's such a relief. I am finally feeling compassion for that child part of me and accepting her needs. I'm letting my T see that, so I hope I will let her see my tears too. I need to fully unburden myself and I can't without crying in my session. At least once.

. Thanks. My therapy has been evolving for about 5 years. I had years of talk therapy before my current therapy. This time it's been totally different. I never used to feel anything in my sessions. I mainly reported what I felt. My T is concerned with my feelings and making me aware of body sensations in the present, as I'm sitting there. I used to be tense but now I can relax. Holding my hand is part of my therapy. It's all professional. I hope people understand that!

I totally get it and I understand why it would work too.

You wrote: "i just wanted to share". I know you meant with pc, but i think it also means something more personal, like to be recognized in a primal way. I saw myself in certain scenarios with my t, feeling like that.

Thanks, Hankster. I'm not sure I know exactly what you mean, but there is something primal about my therapy when we do IFS or SE (somatic experiencing). That's why it's hard to describe it adequately, and the impact on me.
She says I am making new neural pathways in my brain. I think I am making new pathways in my heart! My T is allowing me to experience giving and receiving love. I'm starting to cry. Easy to do that at home. What a gift my T is.