[Jordy]

I haven't been too well lately, but this week I've hit a new low every day and suicidal thoughts are getting out of control. I don't even know where to turn for support anymore.
Skills group is over, so I don't have that weekly support anymore, I only see T once a month, as currently her goal is to keep me alive until I find a new job or am employed full-time at my current one. She wants to help, but nothing can be done until I finally move out. She said I could call at anytime, and I probably should, but don't even know what to tell her...

My friends have no clue how I'm doing and I don't know how to tell them, my family acts as if I was fine and they've never helped me anyway.
Work is hell these days: today I've found out my supervisor's sick leave is not for pneumonia, but depression. I'm the only one who knows and not allowed to tell anyone. It hurts me so badly to hear everyone making fun of him, saying he's faking it... Also he's the only one at work to know about my situation and try to protect me.
Also today I've found out that my boss and another supervisor were talking behind my back about me being lazy and not motivated. They have no idea how difficult it is for me to even drag myself to work, or to function in any way.

I haven't felt this bad in years and I start losing hope that I'll ever get better. Anyway, the reason I've written all this is because I know I need more help than I'm getting right now, but have now idea what I really need. So I can't even ask for that... Do you have any idea what could work?

[sideblinded]

(((Jordy)))

Hugs to you. So sorry to hear of your depression and bad thoughts. Also please remember that the general public is ignorant when it comes to mental illness and depression is very real. I would call your T and tell her exactly what you said here. Sometimes it helps to just do one thing (calling your T) and this will help you to choose to make your next step. Just one thing at a time so it doesn't feel so overwhelming for you. I also suffer from depression and when I feel really bad, I reach out to my friends and or call my T or doctor. I hope that you keep reaching out to your friends. Sometimes when we feel so depressed we second guess the reactions of others. I think they will be supportive and I also feel that your T will want to know how you are feeling. I wish you the very best. Let us know how you are doing.

Oh boy. This is a tough one. The best thing you can do for yourself, of course, is to find another place to live, although you've explained how that's not possible as long as you aren't working full time. But as long as you're stuck like this, it will be hard for you to move forward on the work front. Sort of a Catch-22, I know, but the moving really does come first from what I see. There have got to be some temporary options. Can you move in with one of your friends or non-toxic relatives?

[Jordy]

Thanks for the support, it does help a bit. Unfortunately I don't have any non toxic family in the area and my friends can't take me in either. I've asked for a place at any shelter or group home I could find but I never qualify. I'm either too old, in not enough danger or not earning enough money... The irony is I fell through the cracks of the system because I coped too well for too long and started breaking down too late...

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[JustShakey]

(((Jordy)))
Is there any chance you could get into an emergency DV shelter with your T's help? Emotional abuse counts as domestic violence too, and not all DV is necessarily at the hands of an abusive partner... It sounds like you're feeling 'extremely unsafe', which is a qualifier for being where I am... I know it's different, you're in a whole different continent... But maybe...?

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[Ad Intra]

It sounds like you're going through a lot and that your safety is at risk. Maybe you should call you T and tell her about this new low (hold nothing back). Then either on the phone, or next time you see her, make a safety plan. Until then you can use the national suicide hotline's online crisis chat (it's like talking to someone over facebook) or imalive.org

[Jordy]

I think you're right and I really need to call my T tomorrow. I don't want to go into details in fear of triggering anyone but today I had some of the worst intrusive thoughts I've ever had. I know I can handle a lot and I'm not at my breaking point yet, but these thoughts were really scary.

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edit: just tried contacting Imalive.org, but of course it doesn't work from here... would have been nice to unload some of my frustration without risking to bring anyone down with me...

Maybe there is some resource at Prévention Suicide - Home that could help?

[Jordy]

Mastodon thanks for looking this site up, it really means a lot to me. Though I already saw it last night and didn't find any new resources. I've already been in touch with most counseling centers and those I haven't is because T knows them and they don't fit my needs...

I'm doing a bit better today and now I wonder whether I should call T or not.

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I don't know, Jordy... I think it would probably be a good idea to call her. Things are better today which is great, but it's been bad for a while. Maybe it won't get as bad again as it was yesterday, but if it does, it would be much better that your T knew. And in any case, I don't think you should have to be at rock bottom to reach out to your T.

[SnakeCharmer]

(((Jordy))) I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. If your T's main priority is keeping you alive, right now seems like a good time to call and say, "T, I'm having a hard time, I need some help." Sometimes our Ts know how to give us support and comfort even when we can't get all the details out.

If you have some non-toxic friends, friends you can just hang with for a few hours, I urge you to give them a call, even if it's just to sit around for an hour to have a cup of coffee listening to their woes. If you don't feel like talking about your situation you don't have to. I know I feel better just sitting with friends, even if the talk is about trivialities. It's good to have pleasant company in times of trouble, even if our friends can't do anything except be there so we're not alone with our distressing thoughts. Our non-toxic friends, that is.

Take care, Jordy.

[Jordy]

Thanks for the suppport, it really means a lot to me. I still haven't called T... I always feel like if I'm not holding a knife to my skin to harm myself then I'm not in enough distress to warrant calling her. Actually I've never told her this, but I can very well imagine her telling that this is pure bullocks.

Work was rough again as I've been asked to empty my supervisors desk. That's so unfair as no one apart me knows how he's doing, but I'm not allowed to tell. I felt like I was betraying him by doing it, but I didn't see any other option. I haven't told my supervisor as I don't want to have him worrying about his job even though it's clear he's already lost his position.

I'm doing ok for now, I hope it will stay like this. If not, I'll just have to find a way to call her tomorrow...

I've also planned to visit my horses and some friends on saturday and hopfully spend the night there. That would be a great relief as I always feel safe at their house and can really rest. They know about my issues and don't mind if I just spend the afternoon on the couch watching Disney movies with their girls.

[Jordy]

I just tried to call T, she's not picking up. Might be because she's on her way to the office, so I guess I'll wait for a while and text her if she doesn't call me back within two hours...

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[Jordy]

T called back, I'll see her at 3pm, so in 3,5 hours

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Thank you for letting us know, Jordy. I've been thinking of you. I'm so glad your T could see you today.

[Jordy]

I'm glad too, but also scared. She mentioned me needing a crisis intervention and that we'll look where I can go... We've never discussed this before, is she meaning in-patient? Maybe I shouldn't have told how bad the suicidal thoughts are...

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[Jordy]

I'm in T's waiting room, she'll see me between two patients. She told she'd speed things along with that's in now. I can't believe how caring she was the couple moments I just saw her. Already putting her arm on my shoulder and telling me it will be ok. I've never had anyone do this before...

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I'm so glad to hear this.

[Jordy]

I'm finally back home and feeling much better even though this must have been one of the most nerve-wrecking appointments I've ever had with her.
She said she wasn't surprised this was happening to me, as she has seen it coming for about 6 months... well I didn't... We've discussed every possible option to keep me safe including going in-patient. She doesn't think I need this at the moment, but is considering it if I don't improve or become high risk. For now she trusts me not to do anything stupid and we've put together a safety plan:
-increasing my Prozac to 40mg
-she prescribed me Truxal, but the pharmacist didn't have it as it's not on the approved meds list in Luxembourg, and said something like "too bad, you'll get it sometime next week". For once I stood up for myself and asked the pharmacist to call T and work something out. So now I'm starting Dipiperon tonight to help me sleep and help me calm down.
-Tomorrow I'm going to see friends who leave near the stables and spend the week-end with them and my horses.
-I had to promise T to call her before doing anything stupid. If she doesn't pick up the phone I need to text her "Please call me" and am not allowed to do anything stupid until she has called me back.
-She has no session open for next Friday, but wants me to show up at the office at any time during the day to check up on me. She didn't say anything more, but as she wrote down that I need to show up, I guess she'll call if I don't.

I still can't believe how much she's helping me and taking my pain seriously. And as I hate feeling needy she said something very important to me: Calling her for help was the right decision and I can call her anytime.

Thanks to you all for convincing me to do this.