[Elkino]

Hi,

I was wondering, how would you feel if your T clearly expressed being on your side in the conflicts you're experiencing by calling certain people stupid/sick/idiot? Would you like this? Or would you be worried that it could influence your thoughts and feelings when your T doesn't stay neutral?

I wouldn't like that one bit. It takes away from my ability to identify my own feelings, which change over time. My therapist can't hide when she feels strongly about someone in my life or what they did, but she doesn't verbalize it. That's for me to do when I'm able.

I don't need her to say anything anyway. I know she's in my corner without the peanut gallery comments.

I've never had a T use that kind of insulting language about people in my life, even the worst of them. He will express his feelings about them by saying something like "You have encountered some truly sadistic people" or something like that, but his descriptions of his feelings are more descriptive than opinionated if that makes any sense. He will describe what they did and/or what was wrong about them specifically. I prefer it that way. In describing them more accurately and almost objectively (that doesn't mean positively by any means) rather than using trite, insulting, ranting language, he is helping me more objectively see them for who they really were rather than just spewing venom about them that might add his emotional baggage to these people who are already emotional baggage enough for me. I don't need a therapist to express my anger for me; I need a therapist who will help me realistically see what these people are so I can place the responsibility right where it belongs and then vent the anger myself where it belongs. I need helpful language, and for me, my T ranting at my abusers would not be helpful; it would be off-putting or misplaced.

Today I asked T2 what he would think about me going back to T1 and he said he "feels protective of me" because T1's actions have sometimes been painful for me.
This clearly expressed he is on my side, without using critical language against T1. That would most probably make me feel defensive and protective towards T1.
I think that balance of being on side, but keeping their emotions in check is key.

[archipelago]

I thought the question was more about general therapeutic neutrality, which I don't think is beneficial. In the case that you lay out, I'm not exactly sure. I guess I wouldn't necessarily see a benefit to this type of taking sides. However, in serious trauma work, when my therapist self-disclosed that he felt angry, it was beneficial. He didn't go overboard and didn't volunteer. I asked him how he took what I had been saying and he said a few things, including mentioning his own emotional response. It just felt human really. If you hear about an injustice, it seems normal to feel outrage even if it didn't happen to you.

[stopdog]

I want the therapist to remain neutral and distant no matter what. I do not consider therapists to be on my side in any situation.

[Lauliza]

I think therapists will validate our feelings, of course. With that I don't think a T should "take sides" in a way where they disparage or insult the people in your life. To me, the fact that they don't do that is why I'd see a therapist in the first place. I can go to my friends and family members if I want someone to tell me how wrong or what an idiot my husband is :/ It is supportive, but it's not really helpful.

Sometimes hearing "that was a *** thing to say" from my pdoc (my female T is much more neutral that way) helps me with perspective so I know I'm not over reacting. Beyond that, it's the neutrality in approaching the issue that is helpful, at least to me. I like being able to see something from a different perspective and find what my role is in changing it.

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

Today I asked T2 what he would think about me going back to T1 and he said he "feels protective of me" because T1's actions have sometimes been painful for me.
This clearly expressed he is on my side, without using critical language against T1. That would most probably make me feel defensive and protective towards T1.
I think that balance of being on side, but keeping their emotions in check is key.

That was a lovely thing that your T 2 said (about feeling protective).

[RedSun]

When I was making excuses for someone who did vile things in my past, my t said 'who cares?' I liked it, and it's true, and it just made me feel like she has my back!

[guilloche]

I want my therapist on my side. Absolutely, and I've told him that since the beginning. I think I need that to trust him and talk to him about all the painful stuff. And, my mom is very very sociable... so sometimes when people meet her, they can't believe she could be as neglectful as she was. It would kill me if my T sided with my mom, for example.

That said, I agree that T doesn't need to say things like "so and so is an idiot" to be on your side. However, sometimes when T says this, it does help me clarify/identify what I'm feeling (I tend to be very fuzzy and have trouble with this.)

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

That was a lovely thing that your T 2 said (about feeling protective).

I know... he's already showing himself to be an excellent T.

[WrkNPrgress]

I have to say, my T recently, quietly, offhandedly referred to my ex as a b-word (which is a completely appropriate word for this woman) and it felt very good to me. Of course I understand completely that she was basing this on my own descriptions. But my ex has all my friends under her spell (she's a narcissist manipulator) and it was very, very, nice to see that someone understood my feelings towards this person and seemed to agree with me with my conclusion.

Originally Posted by Lauliza

I think therapists will validate our feelings, of course. With that I don't think a T should "take sides" in a way where they disparage or insult the people in your life. To me, the fact that they don't do that is why I'd see a therapist in the first place. I can go to my friends and family members if I want someone to tell me how wrong or what an idiot my husband is :/ It is supportive, but it's not really helpful.

See for me it's the opposite. Because my Ex was so good at collecting people on her side, only one other person in my group experienced what I did for so long. (I didn't have it in me at the time to talk to people about how she was treating me) That one friend lives in another state now. The rest of my friends act like she's God's gift and it's a bit crazy making. So, I'm all for having my feelings validated in this particular way even if what I'm feeling may not be very nice. I need that right now.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I agree with Lauliza. I want me T to validate my feelings and be empathetic, but not to take sides. In fact, I need her to not take sides and instead offer me different perspectives. That enables me to grow and find internal control amongst all the external things I cannot control.

[ThisWayOut]

I think there are some things I need my T to be opinionated on because I have so much trouble expressing a strong opinion one way or another. I make excuses for most people in my life, and I allow/ed them to continue their abuses for much longer than I should have.
That said, outside of when I can't seem to express emotion around something, I would want T only to mirror what I am expressing, but not take it further than that. If I say my dad's an a**hole, it's fine for her to use that language also, but if I just say I'm really mad at him and hurt by what he did, I don't want a t to jump to calling him an ***...