I should be bothered by these comments, right?

So, yesterday was a rough session for me.. In the sense that it felt like t and I weren't really on the same page, he had a hard time understanding what I was saying and I had a hard time articulating what I was thinking. I had head ache which didn't help, as well as been fighting some anxiety..

So, anyways.. I asked what I thought was a simple question. It was something like this: Do you think my pushing the people who love me away and the fact that I tend to think more unconventional relationships are a better fit for me (not long term, not monogamous) are related? And do you think that if they are related could they stem from abuse.

He fumbled over his words for a minute and then said, well what do you think? Typical T answer.. but then he went on to say.. I have fallen into your trap before. and I was speechless so we were silent for a min. and he went on about something about the splitting that I do (somehow that was related to he comment about traps). And I think I was done being productive at that point, it was closer to the end of the session. As time progresses I am hurt by his comments. For a T who says and has been pretty good about not working inside the box of a dx I feel like he threw me right into the BPD one really quickly with his comments.

I am trying really hard not be irrational as far as my reaction goes.. T is a great T, and he has been on the wrong side of my anger a lot recently and I don't want that to happen unless its really called for. So from somebody looking in (which is hard, considering you don't have a whole lot of history or context of our whole session) I wouldn't be overacting to say I was hurt by his comments? I was thinking about emailing him briefly and just telling him how I feel.

Well that was sure a poor use of words, if nothing else. I took the "trap" to refer to times you may have pushed him away to prove something to yourself or to him? (tbh, I don't know if have pushed him away, so just guessing here).

I don't know what "splitting" is.

Do you like the guy otherwise?

Healed... Sometimes the ways T say something is hurtful but what they are saying doesn't necessarily have to be taken that way... If we can get beyond the initial hurt can we try to understand what was said and why?

For me... I do have patterns of behavior...perhaps you do to..(not because of some label)..

Maybe the "trap" he was referring to is that you ask questions that there is no "right" answer to... So no matter what he says you will be mad at him? Is this a way of keeping people distant to you?

But if you can find away to look at this maybe you could learn a lot more about yourself that may help in other relationships.. It doesn't sound easy but maybe an in person conversation about repetitive patterns.."traps".. could be very helpful?

But really I'm just a person guessing...only you and your T really know anything about your therapy.

Sometimes in therapy things appear to go wrong. That is as much part of the therapy as is the getting it right is. Feeling hurt is just a feeling. Explore it

I would email. It sounds like he is saying you can be manipulative. That would hurt me too.

I see it like ReadytoStop was saying. In fact, while I was reading the question you were asking him, my initial thought was, there is no answer to this question that will turn out right for him. Sort of like the "Do these pants make my butt look too big question" people joke about. The question sort of set him up for failure no matter what he said; no matter how he answered. It sounded like a test he was doomed to fail. And even in not answering it, he was doomed to fail. That's the "trap" he was referring to.

I seriously didn't ask the question with that thought in mind though.. To me it seemed like a valid question that must have some kind of answer. My intentions were not to ask a question to throw him under the bus. I think that is why I found his answer upsetting. I was genuinely asking a question that I have been pondering. Wow.. never saw it like this at all. I really hope that is not what T thought I was doing. Thanks for the insight.

Thanks, RTS.. this is why I like other people's thoughts.. because I saw the question as that.. Just a simple question, I didn't think that it was one that T would read into and think I was setting up for me being pissed at him. However, I can see where T would think that I might be doing that.. not that I feel like I have done this a lot to him. I guess this is where I get pissed.. He thought of the question as a "trap." Which means, to some extent, he is always aware that I have BPD and have the tendencies to do that. However, when I am truly not doing that.. he can't see past the bpd. If that make sense at all.

and now.. I feel like he is setting me up with how I am going to respond to his comments. Will I get irrational angry and emotional and lash out, will I let go, will bring it up to him at all. It feels like a test to me.

No, he's just pointing out a pattern you have that you may not really be aware of. That's what therapists do. The goal is that we'll start consciously recognizing what we do in our interactions with people so we can change those patterns that aren't working for us.

I don't think your T thought you were consciously setting up a trap...that why I said the way he said the trap comment was hurtful... He could have brought this up in a more helpful way... I could see my T going through with me all the possible responses he could give and discussing it... Like if I said yes it was caused by the abuse...would you think it is out of your control to behave differently today? If I said no...would you think i don't think what you went through was enough of a trauma to cause that...etc etc

But another T would have told me that understanding the why it's happening isn't as an important question as understanding the who what when where questions...

What triggers those feelings of wanting to push people away? Who triggers these feelings in you. Only happen with certain type of people? Etc etc...

But maybe thinking about this is threatening you in some way so it's better to now reflect on this whole side drama so you don't have to explore the real issues and how you can learn to think and act differently even though it's unnatural when these "too close" feelings come up.

But really you won't know unless you ask but this is so much better done in person.

You are making it a test not your T. But okay let's say you use this as a test of what skills you have learned...

You have a situation where you are upset at what someone said to you but you are unsure that you are taking it to emotionally or with the intent they said it..(a situation we can all find ourselves in)... What can you do?

You could use your logical mind.... List all the things that the person could have meant the statement... Start with looking at it from their perspective?

You could decide to sit with the feelings.. My initial reaction is my feelings were hurt... It's okay to feel the hurt without trying to use the defense mechanism of feeling an easier emotion that is anger... So I will just sit with being hurt for a while and just let myself be that vulnerable foe a set amount of time and then write about it in my journal to get all the feelings out of my head... Then put it on a shelf...

Then next session bring your journal to session and talk about how it felt to let yourself feel hurt without covering it up with anger...

This is what I try to do...don't know if that will work for you

I would not view it as should be or not should be - you are bothered and no need to seek justification in my opinion. I would tell the guy.

Thats DR RTS! Exactly! I dont think he was saying you were bpd or anything like that at all. I agree that it just was not a simple yes or no answer, that was the "trap". Or maybe yes it is a simple yes or no, in a way, in terms of causes, but not necessarily effects? Or vice versa. Therapy can open your heart, so you dont have to live with it partially closed, if you dont want to.

I think therapists do their clients a disservice leading anyone to believe that they CAN answer questions like that. I don't think anyone really definitely KNOWS, causation, or connections.There's only speculation.

I'd think his trap comment rude in that it would strike me as narrating your conversation rather than interacting with you directly. An honest answer would be he doesn't have an answer.

I also think that I don't need a deep explanation to unlock why I do what I do. If an interactive style doesn't suit me, I can recognize it and experiment with different ways.

So yes, I think the "trap" comment quite condescending and clunky. I hope he recognizes that. I also think the bottom line is working toward what we wish to change.

Thanks all for your replies.. Rts- I have been trying to do what you are suggesting all day I am determined to figure how I feel about it and then respond and react in a rational way.

Therapy is hard work!

Your T might have misinterpreted your unconscious intent. A have a good T and mine does it from time to time too. There have been certain times when I feel that he is seeing me through the 'borderline' lens instead of seeing me as his patient Mia. When he does this it does often come off as negative, because seeing things through the 'borderline' lens means associating behaviors with pathology (e.g. splitting) as opposed to associating the intent or behavior to the underlying reasons of the pathology, say for example, needs, fears, etc.

This is actually not an uncommon phenomena--I've seen this mentioned in therapy books. In the past, i've told T once or twice that he was seemingly starting to treat me like a 'borderline' and not a person, and that it felt objectifying to me. I think my feedback helped, because he quit doing that for a while. But you also said you were having an 'off' day, so that could have contributed to his misunderstanding...

Glen Gabbard, if I recall correctly, says it's important to clarify before making interpretations. Clarifying, for example, could be to ask further questions about your question to help T understand potential underlying meanings of the question/reasons you are asking. That helps them keep attuned to you. When my T's observations are incorrect, it usually seems that clarification before answering would have helped prevent it. It seems like skipping the clarification part is some sort of shortcut that makes things go along more quickly.

In any case, I agree with Mouse that mistakes in therapy just happen. Therapists have their patterns too. If I didn't see any mistakes throughout my therapy, i'd fear there was something wrong. Glad you can talk to him about it in a non-reactive way. That should be super helpful.

I also like missbella's answer, that he was narrating the conversation rather participating in it. Very well put. Thats why it felt clunky, also a good description! Its like, at that moment, we are doing meta-therapy - talking about the therapy, rather than doing therapy. But i think thats okay. You get your bearings of where you are, are you talking about the same things. I think its my ts job to see and say things so i can understand them, not so much vice versa. Hes the one with the degree and getting paid.

I like the analogy with a "do these pants make me look fat?" type of question. But I think there are ways to answer questions like that without shutting you down the the way he did. Making some light of it by initially saying "That's a loaded question!" Or "I don't know if there's a right answer to that..." would have told you right then and there how he interpreted your question and given you a chance to to explore that rather than ending the conversation and sending you home to ruminate. You seem pretty self aware and not defensive at all so I don't get how your question would have been interpreted as manipulative - I'm just going on the responses of other posters.

You could ask your T to clarify exactly what he meant. I think that's reasonable given that you asked a pretty direct question.

Maybe i'm being dense, but I don't see how this is a loaded question. I understand the concept of damned if you do, damned if you don't; does my butt look big, etc., (I agree, good analogy when it fits). But it sounds like you wanted to know how your past is affecting your relational dynamics. Maybe there was other context or your tone when asking the question?

I thought it was a pretty straightforward question, too. So, either there's some background information you needed to leave out for brevity, or he was referring to something else.

Nope- there is no other context needed. That is what we spent the bulk of my session talking about, me pushing the people I love away. That's why I stated it was a simple question. I get too, that its loaded question.. but it wasn't out of the blue- fit right in with the content that was being discussed at the time.

I really was asking an "expert" what he thought about my past affecting my present- I thought it was the type of question. I have been with T for three years, we have a great relationship. So, even if it is a "loaded" or not one answer fits question.. I suspect T could of just said so. That is the reason I think I was thrown off by his answer.

In the end, though, seeing everybody else's input gives me some perspective. I think I am going to try to write it down in my journal and wait until I see him next time and we can discuss it.

Sometimes therapists are just wrong. He could just be wrong about trap or whatever.