[Ellahmae]

I've always have (had) to do things perfectly and quickly. Now that I'm in therapy I feel like I'm rushing this whole process and am appearing to be progressing quickly when on the inside I feel like I'm crumbling. I tried to tell this to T yesterday and she said progress isn't something you can force or fake (generally) but I feel as though I'm moving too fast and it's scaring me but I'm not sure how to slow down or even if that's up to me. Change is terrifying and I'm pretty much changing my being as a whole. It's strange. I'm scared of letting go of the person I've been for all these years to find someone new.

Anyway, after talking about how progress works - forward, backward, etc. She said that a well trained and specialized T can see patterns. That I should try to not focus so much on the process, stop trying to intellectualize it because you can't, no one can - and just be.

I guess my question that I'm wondering about is what she meant by patterns? Thoughts?

[WrkNPrgress]

Patterns in behaviors, I assume.

[SnakeCharmer]

Patterns in perceptions, beliefs, thoughts, feelings and behaviors. For example, a person who's hurting badly might perceive any kind of question or disagreement or even use of single words they don't like as signs of rejection and then act accordingly. It's a pattern of perception, belief, thought, emotion and behavior.

With progress the perception might change for the better and a question will be seen as just a request for info or clarification and the whole complex ripple of reaction will change. That's a major change that's fairly easy for a T to track.

Sometimes the patient won't see it or be aware of it because they're concentrating on all those things that still feel wrong and not noticing those things that are getting better.

[Soccer mom]

I think you and I are a lot alike. My T. has begged me to stop reading, start journaling and stop intellectualizing everything. I've asked her about how therapy works, when things will start/end, etc. She says I'm trying to label everything, put it in a box and close it off. So, now she doesn't tell me anything I may think about. She says to concentrate on my feelings/emotions and less on how things are supposed to work. It's been hard to let go but I'm getting better at it. I stopped reading and journal/think more.

And, I've noticed I'll move ahead and then go backwards for awhile. For a couple of sessions I thought my transference was completely gone and I felt so "normal" and then it came back in full. So, just trying to ride the roller coaster and tell my T. as much as I can without thinking about it. So hard for us Type A personalities!

[Ellahmae]

Words to match what I feel sometimes! I've never been able to peg it down and then she said that about patterns which was so cryptic to me. I do want to label it and put it away it's what I've always done with everything. Thank you so much for your thoughts SM - I'm going to try to let go and just ride the ride - typing that was terrifying but I can try, right?

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

I think you and I are a lot alike. My T. has begged me to stop reading, start journaling and stop intellectualizing everything. I've asked her about how therapy works, when things will start/end, etc. She says I'm trying to label everything, put it in a box and close it off. So, now she doesn't tell me anything I may think about. She says to concentrate on my feelings/emotions and less on how things are supposed to work. It's been hard to let go but I'm getting better at it. I stopped reading and journal/think more.

And, I've noticed I'll move ahead and then go backwards for awhile. For a couple of sessions I thought my transference was completely gone and I felt so "normal" and then it came back in full. So, just trying to ride the roller coaster and tell my T. as much as I can without thinking about it. So hard for us Type A personalities!

[Ellahmae]

Thank you for the example. I just wasn't sure what she meant by that and what you mention about certain questions made a lot of sense especially since I told her I want her to ask me questions and she said now isn't the time I will when you're ready. Thanks for helping me see another side of things SC!

Originally Posted by SnakeCharmer

Patterns in perceptions, beliefs, thoughts, feelings and behaviors. For example, a person who's hurting badly might perceive any kind of question or disagreement or even use of single words they don't like as signs of rejection and then act accordingly. It's a pattern of perception, belief, thought, emotion and behavior.

With progress the perception might change for the better and a question will be seen as just a request for info or clarification and the whole complex ripple of reaction will change. That's a major change that's fairly easy for a T to track.

Sometimes the patient won't see it or be aware of it because they're concentrating on all those things that still feel wrong and not noticing those things that are getting better.

[Soccer mom]

That's what I did with all my emotions. I accidentally said to her early in my therapy about wanting to label things and then she added the box and putting it away. I wasn't taught how to process my emotions or label them - I wasn't allowed to cry unless I went to my room. And, when I expressed my feelings I got "i'm sorry you feel that way but you...." So, I stopped expressing them I guess.

I've told my T. multiple times it would be easier to go back to my old self (stuff it all down and keep going) than to go through this process. But, I have friends who have made unsoliticited comments about how much I've changed - more calm, patient with my children, more accepting and the list goes on.

You could try for 2 weeks to not read, not try to UNDERSTAND but instead write down what you FEEL. My T. also gave me a feelings list. I found a wheel I like more. When I would have some feelings and not be able to label them, I would bring out her list and the sadness would flow - I could see words that matched how I felt and write more.

[Ellahmae]

YES!!!! I wasn't allowed to laugh, cry, be upset, or anything so it was just so much easier to file them away and be whoever people wanted me to be so I wouldn't be punished for having emotions even happy ones. I was never allowed to be a person. It would so much easier to just go back instead of this roller coaster ride that I'm scared will come to a screeching halt at the top of a hill and I'll have to figure it out myself. I know she won't leave but it's a very prevalent fear I have.

I have had a few people comment on changes (that I quickly & quietly ignore) as I don't think that should be me or how I should behave even if it is for the better.

I think I'm going to talk to T about doing that just trying to feel in session instead of giving everything a classification and actual words. I'm going to look for a feelings wheel.

Originally Posted by Ellahmae

YES!!!! I wasn't allowed to laugh, cry, be upset, or anything so it was just so much easier to file them away and be whoever people wanted me to be so I wouldn't be punished for having emotions even happy ones. I was never allowed to be a person. It would so much easier to just go back instead of this roller coaster ride that I'm scared will come to a screeching halt at the top of a hill and I'll have to figure it out myself. I know she won't leave but it's a very prevalent fear I have.

I have had a few people comment on changes (that I quickly & quietly ignore) as I don't think that should be me or how I should behave even if it is for the better.

I think I'm going to talk to T about doing that just trying to feel in session instead of giving everything a classification and actual words. I'm going to look for a feelings wheel.

I identify with 'I wasn't allowed to be a person', or somehow I felt the best route to survival was not to be one. I couldn't be me.

[JustShakey]

I wasn't supposed to be a person, I was a support system, an adjunct. I'm more than a little lost outside of my 'sidekick' role. It's terrifying really, breaking the pattern. I used to feel like without the stbx or my mom or someone 'in charge', I'd wind up living under a bridge. Sometimes it's all I can do not to let those old irrational fears overwhelm me