Don't want LCM to go on vacation

Its like that scrubbing bubbles commercial where the two little sisters are washing a found dog in their bathtub and everything is BROWN, and the parents walk in and are freaked, and the littler girl scrunches up her eyes and goes, "PLEEEEEEEZ???!!!" i love doing that. Pleeeeeeeezzzz????!!! The freedom to beg and whine like that and just be seen as cute and adorable, and not rejected as an annoying pest who needs to grow up, which is how i was usually made to feel - "youre too big to act like that."

This seems a bit shaming to me. Why can't someone write here what they might like or what upsets them or makes them sad, regardless of it being a fantasy? The OP did not say she was going to try to sabotage the vacation or stalk the lcm as I read it. What difference does it make how the lcm felt about what was written? (way too many shades of "did you ever stop to think how (being gay, not dressing like a girl, writing that short story, playing ball etc) makes me look bad" coming from a parent)
By not trying to get better one may hurt themselves, but one is most certainly not responsible for anyone else and their reactions.

Sorry to offend you or anyone else. As I've been told many many times "we all respond based upon our past experiences".

I'm just highly triggered by the OP's comments. But I do have a right to my opinion.

And I also believe that singling anyone out based upon a disagreement only makes the person defensive and detracts from the OP's thread.

That all being said, my only intention is that I hope the OP truly cares for LCM. If so, I would think she would want to improve for many reasons: make her proud, develop a healthy relationship with LCM that might actually last, not take advantage of her, etc. Of course I would hope that OP would also try to get better for herself. But her LCM (according to the OP) can't handle the relationship in the state it's in which is why she continually asks the OP to find a T. My fear is that LCM will get burnt out and OP might lose her. That I think would be extremely detrimental to the OP. I truly believe OP needs LCM.

So I'm not disregarding OP's feelings. I actually can relate. I've had over 20 mother-figures in my life. Hell, I'm going through my own loss with not seeing my Pdoc for 6 months and might not being able to see my T this week due to her being sick and it's the week I start DBT which I'm terrified of! I get it. I get the pain. I get the fear. I'm living it.

If you want to label it, maybe it was shaming. But it's also a great motivator. I do it to myself. I try to make my T proud all the time. It's why I'm continuing to deal with the distess of DBT.

Addition: I have one other fear. If OP's parents are paying for LCM (I think someone mentioned), what happens if the parents stop paying? What if the parents decide LCM isn't helping.

I really do care. I would say all sorts of gentle, cuddly, warm words
You come across as a really sweet person. Which is why I worry and why I write things that may be difficult to hear. I would never want to hold someone's hand and walk them off the cliff.

I agree quite a bit with Scarlet....

LC wants to see you get better growli. I think she would be incredibly sad to find out that you don't want a T, and you don't want to even look for one. And that you have zero intention of trying to move past your desire to have your LC be your mom.

You can still have a strong relationship with your LC, but also have independence and a healthy lifestyle on your own. You can still have a strong relationship with your LC and yet learn to accept that she can't and won't be your mom, and that you have one but that she's sh**.

It's all achieveable, but from your posts it looks a lot like you're just throwing in the towel and only trying to work towards keeping your LC in your life. And that worries a lot of us who've been following your journey since before you met your LC. It's hard to watch for various reasons. Even though you likely hate a lot of what a bunch of us say, and frequently miss the main point of the messages to respond to one tiny bit.... we wouldn't post if we didn't wish the best for you.

Growlithing-

I feel badly that I have not approached my T who may have a contact for you. I feel I've failed you so far. I'll be honest, I'm afraid if my T makes the effort to get you in touch with a trauma T, and if you don't act on it, my T will be super pissed at me.

Have you ever taken one of your threads and shown it to LCM? It may be a difficult exercise but it might be enlightening. I don't entirely get why your threads catch on fire like this, but it may be worth exploring.

I do understand the need to feel cared for by at least one person in the world. Without doing the work I fear for you.