[rainbow8]

I'm confused. My T emailed me that my painting was great and fantastic. It was her idea for me to draw or paint her and me with my child part. So I did. When I look at it I feel ashamed, though. At least a part of me feels ashamed, not all of me. But that part is trying to take over and sabotage the good work I'm doing in therapy. She thinks it's pathetic and shameful to need my T that way. I painted a child of about 3, holding adult rainbows hand, and my T holding the child's other hand. My T thinks that's great, but I feel ashamed.

When I'm in the session holding Ts hand, I don't feel ashamed. Visualizing T and I with the child part is okay too. But somehow looking at my graphic representation of that "love" feels yucky. Thinking that T loves me feels weird too. I know she means it in a therapeutic way, but the word scares me. I'm ashamed of feeling and accepting love.

I realize parts work and inner child concepts aren't understood or accepted by everyone. But for those who do it, do you ever feel ashamed? I emailed my feelings to my T and I know we'll talk about it next session, but I needed to get it out.

[unaluna]

Just some ideas - did your brother tease you for being a "baby"? Was he jealous of his little sister taking his mom's attention? I'm not aware of this in my past - maybe the parents made my brother feel ashamed for being jealous, but i would have been aware of that and felt his shame anyway.

I remember one incident when i was surprised that my brother didnt try to take the credit for something i did - i dont remember any time he DID try to take credit, but then why would i so clearly remember being surprised that he did not?

Anyway, i think it might be some transferential shame. Feeling you're not allowed to have it. Who are you being disloyal to if you accept it. Ultimately the answer is - yourself. You have to choose yourself. Love your neighbor AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF.

I have felt shame at times since i started therapy. I think it relates to the way my mom treated me when I was young.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by hankster

Just some ideas - did your brother tease you for being a "baby"? Was he jealous of his little sister taking his mom's attention? I'm not aware of this in my past - maybe the parents made my brother feel ashamed for being jealous, but i would have been aware of that and felt his shame anyway.

I remember one incident when i was surprised that my brother didnt try to take the credit for something i did - i dont remember any time he DID try to take credit, but then why would i so clearly remember being surprised that he did not?

Anyway, i think it might be some transferential shame. Feeling you're not allowed to have it. Who are you being disloyal to if you accept it. Ultimately the answer is - yourself. You have to choose yourself. Love your neighbor AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF.

Thank you, hankster. My brother teased me a lot but I don't know why. We were very close even though he was annoying!

I think you're right about the L word. I've never understood why anyone could love me. I was an invisible, quiet kid who never got into trouble. I was told I was loved but somehow I didn't internalize it. Hearing T use the word makes me want to tell her I'm not worthy of her love. I suppose the 3 year old part is, but not the rest of me.

I want to love T too, and can write those words, but they scare me. I have said those words but not directly. She accepts them, but I'm afraid to let this relationship evolve more. It's gone way beyond "I'm just her job" but her boundaries are there. It IS a real relationship, and the love is there. I'm not used to it though I love my family and they love me.

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I have felt shame at times since i started therapy. I think it relates to the way my mom treated me when I was young.

Thanks, Brown Owl. Me too. Maybe my shame is about not knowing how to separate from my Mom. Not being a separate human being worthy of being loved. I can't figure it out, and maybe never will.