The best/worst thing that could have happened to me

T told me today that she works at the crisis line I use and occasionally make up stories on. She only works there once a week, and as far as I know/as far as she knows we've never spoken, but this freaks me out a lot, because I thought calling there was a safe thing for me to do, and a safe way to get needs met, even bad needs, but now it feels way less safe. And also, we might have spoken in the past without either of us knowing it, because I've been using their services since I was thirteen, and maybe I will tell her something in therapy and she will realize she already heard it from a kid calling the crisis line (me). And it makes me not ever want to go on there ever again to make stuff up, because she would figure out it was me if she happened to be taking the call/chat.

So this seems to be a good thing, except that sometimes I actually use that line for real emotional support when I need it, and about the making stuff up part, I don't know how to stop! Even with this fear now, it feels like an addiction, and I can't talk to T about it now that I know she works there and knows people there and might have at some point unknowingly taken one of my calls/chats. It feels too close to home to talk to her about it now, even though she does know that I have gone on a crisis line before to make up stories (but I didn't tell her which one).

I feel sort of...violated...which is ridiculous, since technically I'm the one violating the counsellors that work there by making up stories. But it still freaks me out that she might know stuff about me that I revealed to people on that line without knowing she worked there...and I know crisis lines sometimes keep records of calls/chats (the one I volunteer at does, and the volunteers debrief with each other after calls/chats), so she might know stuff I said on there without even having taken my calls/chats...I feel very sick about it.