[XootrChick]

I've been in psychodynamic relational therapy for 5 years with a trauma specialist. I am a 40 year old survivor of sexual abuse by male relatives from toddler to teen, had an alcoholic father, physically and verbally abusive mother who rejected and insulted me, and who loved my brother to bits, even though he was a drug addict who stole from us and would physically torture me.

I was often sent away as a child, from one family to another, and felt forgotten by my family. It could be months before my mother would ring to ask of me or talk to me. I dissociate, self harm, am suicidal, have panic attacks, and am very hyper vigilant. I finally went to therapy and it took years to feel safe and trust my therapist enough to share a little of my pain. Last month she announced she's pregnant and leaving in April for 4 months of maternity leave. I am devastated.

My feelings of abandonment are sky high, I feel especially worthless, like an afterthought. I am furious with her, my cutting had me twice in the ED for sutures, I think of suicide often, and I've lost the sense of safety and security I had. I feel so stupid for trusting that she'd be with me through my healing! I can recall 3 times where she assured me, "I'm not going anywhere. I will sit here with you through this."

I regret ever starting this. I'm worse off now because too many things had surfaced. My internal house was cluttered with packed boxes when I started, but now they are torn open with the contents scattered everywhere. Do I quit and try to re-pack everything? Her pregnancy & upcoming leave have brought to the surface huge issues I'm not prepared or equipped to deal with. They might have come up in due course, as more layers were uncovered, but this was a brutal tearing open of my issues. It's happening according to her timeline, not mine. And it's literally killing me. I don't feel safe with her, I certainly don't feel cared for, so I have all these horrific feelings and no way to work through them. What can I do? I fear for my life already, but especially during her long maternity leave.

[stopdog]

I am sorry you are going through this. I have read of people having this response when the therapist takes a pregnancy leave, so if it helps, I don't think it is unusual. Has the therapist any suggestions to help you?

[wotchermuggle]

I just want you to know it's normal to feel abandoned in such a situation. It may be hard for you to see, but you are actually quite fortunate. Four months is a short maternity leave. Here it is customary that new moms take a full year off. Perhaps consider what you can do in those months to better yourself. Maybe see a fill in therapist, take a course, take a short trip, join a group therapy, take up a new hobby....

[Ididitmyway]

This sounds very painful. I am sorry your T's pregnancy has brought you so much suffering. I believe, it's a huge mistake for any therapist to promise a client that they will always be there for them to help them through whatever they have to go through. No one can or should promise that because we never know what circumstances we will find ourselves in. This especially should not be promised to someone with the history of such severe abuse and abandonment like yours, and your T should've known better.

It may help you feel better if you tell her how you feel about her leave or write her a letter about it. You don't have to trust her to do that. This is just for you to let your pain out instead of stuffing it inside and cutting yourself. There are times when we need to be completely selfish to get through the darkness. Tell her how you feel for your own selfish reasons, not because you trust her. It may happen that you will be able to process this with her and your pain will subside and you will make the best of the time you have left with her. Or you may decide that you don't need to see her anymore and find another T. Just do something and do it for yourself. Don't abandon yourself even when the whole world abandons you. In dark times like this, you are the only one you have to take care of you. You don't deserve to be abandoned again so don't abandon yourself.