[rainbow8]

I want to write about my session today, the one that I wasn't sure I wanted to go to, and almost didn't go to because of the weather. It was difficult. My T said I was pushing and pulling. She doesn't want me to talk about my feelings when we do SE. She wants to know what I am feeling in my body right at the moment. For example, when I said I felt yucky and ashamed of the child part, I have to say where do I feel that. If I say I feel anxious or scared, where is that? My chest, my heart pounding, my stomach hurting, or whatever. I still have trouble identifying where I feel something.

When she held my hand we had only 15 minutes left. The first thing she said was "I feel uncomfortable because you feel uncomfortable". She told me that because she thinks I do that with other people. I was pushing her away but I said I wanted the opposite. I couldn't calm down but I wanted to keep holding her hand.

She said I should feel proud that I come to do this work, not ashamed. Of course she added that I feel what I feel. She started talking about what I want, and I asked "what do I want?" She said the word "connection". That's not a new therapy word to me, but it hit me as an aha moment when she said it!

My whole life I've been searching for connections with people. Deep connections, not superficial ones. But I get scared when I'm too close. T said we all need connections to others, and it didn't go right for me in the past. She repeated what she has always said about holding my hand to make new neural pathways to calm my nervous system.

After that "talk" she asked how I felt. I said "a little better, calmer." She responded that she could tell.

I told her I felt yucky and disgusting about painting a big red heart around us in my picture and writing "love" inside. She says it's not romantic love, but love like in the book Love 2.0. Someone posted about that book. I want to read it.

I see T next week which is good because I blurted out at the end "why would someone love me anyway?" so she asked if I feel lovable and I shook my head no. I think I'm getting into the nitty gritty in my therapy now. I feel that push pull. I'm also aware that I start threads because of my need for connection.

[growlycat]

You are doing really important work! You can feel proud of that!!

I understand the pushing away. A few weeks ago T wanted me to make eye contact as he told me that he cares. I found it so hard to do, even painful. I know that eye contact is important for bonding. I want very much to feel connected but when the moment comes I feel overwhelmed.

Your session sounds so powerful!

We all need connections . We are social creatures Rainboe8

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by growlycat

You are doing really important work! You can feel proud of that!!

I understand the pushing away. A few weeks ago T wanted me to make eye contact as he told me that he cares. I found it so hard to do, even painful. I know that eye contact is important for bonding. I want very much to feel connected but when the moment comes I feel overwhelmed.

Your session sounds so powerful!

Thanks. Growly. Yes, eye contact is hard for me too but I can do it with T now. Then I feel the connection!! Its worth it. I still have trouble with eye contact outside of therapy, though. Yes, my session WAS powerful!

Originally Posted by Connections

We all need connections . We are social creatures Rainboe8

Thanks! I take it that's why you chose your "name"!