[Soccer mom]

A positive post since I haven't been so positive lately. My 13 year old daughter got in trouble tonight. As we were making up, she said that I embarrass her in front of her friends by talking to her and touching her (typical teenager, huh?). It then went into I touch her too much. I purposely hug and love on her every day because I never had that as a child. And, through therapy I've realized what I didn't get and what I need to make sure I give to my girls.
As she told me she didn't want me to touch her so much, I started crying. I have NEVER cried in front of my kids. Maybe one time about 7 years ago and they probably wouldn't remember. This daughter asks in hard situations if I'm going to cry and I don't. So, I left the room in tears and then realized I need her to see my emotions. I went back in to talk about it and started crying again. I told her that my mom wasn't affectionate with me so I want to give that to her. I don't want her to NOT have it or feel like I don't love her. She started crying and felt bad for making me cry.
I actually told her I was excited I cried in front of her - that it was a big moment for me to be able to show my emotions. Anyway, I don't cry in front of many people and never have in front of my T. Perhaps she'll be next!

on a side note this has been the most normal week after a difficult session Monday where I had to go back to a painful part of my childhood. So, my tears weren't because I was already hurting - they were a genuine reaction to something she said. yay!

That's asking a lot of a13yr old to carry for you.
She was telling you something.
We have to be careful we don't expect our children to fix us.

[RedSun]

Wow, that's great that you were able to get in touch with your emotions. Well done
Also, Mouse has a good point. Part of what I'm discovering in therapy is that I'm freaked out by touch cos my Mum kept touching me and hugging me when I was a kid, whether I wanted it or not. It's great that your daughter felt safe enough with you to tell you that she doesn't want you to touch her so much, I wish I had been able to do that. Most of the reason I couldn't is because my mum would have then got upset, and I would have felt bad for upsetting her. The issue would then be about making her feel better, and whatever point I was trying to tell her was lost.
I feel like, if we hug people when THEY need it, we're showing them we love them. If we hug them when WE need it, we're showing them that we need them to prop us up, regardless of their needs. I'm conscious that I very rarely cry in front of my kids, except if it was appropriate eg when our cat died etc, cos I felt so burdened by my mums emotions there was no room for mine.
I guess there's a balance between sharing how we feel, and respecting others right to not need to know. Hope it goes well if you can cry in front of t, I have a friend who is crying all over me at the mo, and I keep recommending that she see a t, cos I'd like her to cry all over them instead

[Soccer mom]

Really good points! Thank you for sharing! I'm not overly affectionate with her. In the car I'll pat her leg or rub her arm but not every time. At home I'll sometimes sit with her on her bed. Actually, afterwards we had a discussion of boundaries. I told her it's fine for her to have boundaries and to let me know. So, we discussed that I won't touch her as much, etc. I said I will remind myself not to take it personally.

I guess my biggest problem is seeing the situation with my childhood filter on as my T. has pointed out. I was afraid my daughter was seeing me as my mom - not wanting the affection from her. I need to remind myself it's her age and also her personality.

[unaluna]

Is there a movement or touch she would initiate towards you? Like a high five or something? Let her have that power instead of her feeling on the defensive? Do you paint each others fingernails or anything? Maybe you could go get a manicure or facial together.

[JustShakey]

It is great that you are getting to a place where you can be emotionally open with your daughter
I struggle with similar stuff myself. My mother was quite affectionate, but with no regard for boundaries. I still dislike being kissed on the lips because of her wet kisses and she would pat my butt right into adulthood.
Having said that I think you're doing it right SM. I would never have been able to initiate a conversation about boundaries with my mom like your daughter did. She would not have taken it well at all. Even as an adult I get told that I'm 'difficult' if I bring up anything like that.


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[SnakeCharmer]

Soccer Mom, so glad you had a week that's feeling more normal!

Just a note from my own teenage years ... when I hit 12-13 there was nothing worse than my mother, father or any other adult showing me affection or touching me in public. It made me feel intensely uncool. I didn't mind in private or if I got a hug on the way out in front of my best girlfriend, but god forbid if it was anywhere else where people could see, even strangers. Those were very self-conscious years. The more my mother persisted, the more I resisted, but with body language and moodiness. I couldn't verbalize it. Your daughter has verbalized it. That's a good thing.

[Soccer mom]

It's so good to hear other's experiences. I never seemed to want or have to resist my mother's affection so I haven't been able to relate to her. You all have given me different perspectives. I'm going to pull back and see what happens. My younger daughter can't get enough cuddle time, so I still have one child who wants to soak it all in.