[Myrto]

I've been seeing my T for about 10 months. Two months ago we had a major falling out that we managed to somewhat fix.

Anyway, I had previously googled her and hadn't found much: her facebook page is locked and except for some information about what she did prior to becoming a T, there's not much online.

So what did I do? I googled her kids. It wasn't difficult to find that information and the first results on Google were their Facebook accounts. They're completely open, no privacy settings whatsoever.

That's when I became obsessed and that's why it's hurting me.
She has two sons, they're ten years younger than I am (I'm 28) and I hate them. I can't help myself.
I know i's awful, I know I shouldn't do this, I know. The more I look at their Facebook pages and their Instagram (because, *of course* one of her sons has an Instagram account full of pictures of him and his girlfriend looking like movie stars), the more I compare myself to them, the more I feel like absolute *****. I want to quit.

They seem to have perfect lives with perfect parents and perfect teenage years. Meanwhile I hated my adolescence and was glad to get out of high school asap.

Does anybody have any experience in dealing with these strong feelings towards your T's kids? How to stop? Does it go away eventually?
I know it's part of my maternal transference. I can't tell my T I hate her kids though. I mean, that's an awful thing to say.

Thanks in advance for any input.

[Salmon77]

Well, it's not really that you hate her kids, right? You don't actually know them personally. And what you see on FB etc. isn't reality--people don't post their bad, ugly moments, so their lives might look perfect, but chances are they're not.

From what you write it seems like this is much more about your own insecurities, and about standards that you imagine your T has to which you don't measure up. So maybe you could talk to her in general about that, what about FB gives you the idea that you're not meeting some criteria for a good or worthwhile person, what those criteria are and where they come from. And while I kinda think maybe you should tell her you looked up her kids, you could easily just talk about how FB etc. affect you in general without mentioning that specifically.

[Petra5ed]

I agree with salmon, you don't hate her kids it's more about you. I'm sure she would understand if you talk about it. Everyone's Facebook / Instagram shows their best side, best pics etc. I haven't found anything like that online about my Ts kids but I realized in jealous of them too, but it has a lot more to do with what you say, my childhood was a nightmare and I imagine theirs to be amazingly wonderful.

[CantExplain]

Have you discussed this with T? I know this will be difficult and maybe you are not ready, but in the long run it's really the only way out.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by Salmon77

Well, it's not really that you hate her kids, right? You don't actually know them personally. And what you see on FB etc. isn't reality--people don't post their bad, ugly moments, so their lives might look perfect, but chances are they're not.

From what you write it seems like this is much more about your own insecurities, and about standards that you imagine your T has to which you don't measure up. So maybe you could talk to her in general about that, what about FB gives you the idea that you're not meeting some criteria for a good or worthwhile person, what those criteria are and where they come from. And while I kinda think maybe you should tell her you looked up her kids, you could easily just talk about how FB etc. affect you in general without mentioning that specifically.

I know how deceptive Facebook is. I usually don't care about other people's Facebook accounts. I'm barely on Facebook as it is.
What hurts me is the fact that it's my T's kids. If those were just random people, I wouldn't care. Still even if what they're posting is just the tip of the iceberg, that tip looks pretty damn awesome.

But you're right that it's about my insecurities and thinking I have to live up to some sort of criteria of perfection and excellence to my therapist.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I agree with salmon, you don't hate her kids it's more about you. I'm sure she would understand if you talk about it. Everyone's Facebook / Instagram shows their best side, best pics etc. I haven't found anything like that online about my Ts kids but I realized in jealous of them too, but it has a lot more to do with what you say, my childhood was a nightmare and I imagine theirs to be amazingly wonderful.

I'll never be able to tell my therapist: it's too shameful, too weird. And it's about her kids. Even with all the empathy in the world, it's her private life I violated and it's about the people she cares about the most (I'm assuming).
Trust me, if I could unknow what I know about her kids, I would so be glad you haven't found anything about your T's kids.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Have you discussed this with T? I know this will be difficult and maybe you are not ready, but in the long run it's really the only way out.

I haven't. And I can't. I know in theory that I should discuss it with her but if I ever do, I'll never be able to come back again as I'll be too ashamed to even look at her.
I'm also scared that she'll be angry and I don't want to cause another break up in our relationship.

Originally Posted by Myrto

I'll never be able to tell my therapist: it's too shameful, too weird. And it's about her kids. Even with all the empathy in the world, it's her private life I violated and it's about the people she cares about the most (I'm assuming).
Trust me, if I could unknow what I know about her kids, I would so be glad you haven't found anything about your T's kids.

I agree with this completely!

What wouldn't come off as threateningly is talking about how the idea of her children impacts you, if you do decide to talk about it...

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Salmon77

Well, it's not really that you hate her kids, right? You don't actually know them personally. And what you see on FB etc. isn't reality--people don't post their bad, ugly moments, so their lives might look perfect, but chances are they're not.

Yeah, this. Facebook (and the like) can be a real button-pusher if you are in the wrong sort of mood to see the edited highlights of everyone's gleaming exciting life.

Nobody posts on Facebook when their boiler bursts and they're freezing their arse off for three days. Nobody Instagrams pictures of being in hospital (again) because their mundane and unglamorous chronic health condition needs them to be admitted for a few days. Actually I do and a lot of my friends do, which is maybe why I find my social media a pretty grounded place to be - but I have friends who definitely don't post the boring, squalid bits of life. It's all modelling contracts, recording albums, jetting between London and LA and Sydney. Because I know them in real life as well, I know that they have a fair chunk of boring **** go on as well, even if they don't have mental health problems.

Get off the kids' social media! It's like that saying - Never compare your insides to anybody else's outsides. You don't know the full story.

I hate the idea of my T's kids. its completely normal what you're describing.

Or you hate the feelings it arouses in you??

[Lauliza]

I wouldn't shame yourself any further about this; it happens- people google their Ts. Before you know it one thing leads to another and your on the pages of people close to them. With information just a mouse click away it takes an awful lot of restraint not to look into something many people are so curious about.

Remember that Facebook and Instagram are intended for people to show only one side of their lives and rarely does everything you see represent the whole truth. Still I understand why it's painful to look and I think the only way for you to get past this is to stop looking at their accounts ASAP. Talking to your T is the ideal solution but being a parent myself, I'm aware peoples kids are a hot topic and I don't blame you for wanting to avoid it. If you really don't want to tell her making the choice to avoid their accounts at all costs is the next best solution. And keep posting here - getting it off your chest here might give you some relief and you might feel less compelled to "confess" to your T.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Yeah, this. Facebook (and the like) can be a real button-pusher if you are in the wrong sort of mood to see the edited highlights of everyone's gleaming exciting life.

Nobody posts on Facebook when their boiler bursts and they're freezing their arse off for three days. Nobody Instagrams pictures of being in hospital (again) because their mundane and unglamorous chronic health condition needs them to be admitted for a few days. Actually I do and a lot of my friends do, which is maybe why I find my social media a pretty grounded place to be - but I have friends who definitely don't post the boring, squalid bits of life. It's all modelling contracts, recording albums, jetting between London and LA and Sydney. Because I know them in real life as well, I know that they have a fair chunk of boring **** go on as well, even if they don't have mental health problems.

Get off the kids' social media! It's like that saying - Never compare your insides to anybody else's outsides. You don't know the full story.

I know I shouldn't look. I know it's bad for me.
But sometimes I feel disconnected from her, or afraid or simply just bored (usually at work) and then I end up looking them up on social media even though I know for a fact it will hurt me.
It's like I need to punish myself, to atone or something.
Ugh.

Block their names. At least it will be a two step process that you'll have to slow down to think twice about before you unblock them in order to see their pages again. Perhaps having to slow down and consider why you are doing it will keep you off their pages.

[Cynefrid]

You can absolutely tell your therapist I think its pretty normal of you, I mean who wouldn't want his/her undivided attention and unconditional love every day forever? ...

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

I wouldn't shame yourself any further about this; it happens- people google their Ts. Before you know it one thing leads to another and your on the pages of people close to them. With information just a mouse click away it takes an awful lot of restraint not to look into something many people are so curious about.

Remember that Facebook and Instagram are intended for people to show only one side of their lives and rarely does everything you see represent the whole truth. Still I understand why it's painful to look and I think the only way for you to get past this is to stop looking at their accounts ASAP. Talking to your T is the ideal solution but being a parent myself, I'm aware peoples kids are a hot topic and I don't blame you for wanting to avoid it. If you really don't want to tell her making the choice to avoid their accounts at all costs is the next best solution. And keep posting here - getting it off your chest here might give you some relief and you might feel less compelled to "confess" to your T.

Thanks. Ideally I should talk to my T about this but, as you said, kids are a hot topic.
I should point out that I didn't feel that way when I looked up my T's husband online. He also has a Facebook account that is very easy to find (man, this whole family really needs to check their social media presence more carefully, I can't be the only patient curious enough to research them).

I was curious to know what my T's husband looked like or what he did but that was it: mere curiosity.
There was no pain, no despair, the way I feel when I look up her kids.

[musinglizzy]

I actually brought up T's daughter to her in a session once. She talks about her a lot, and I told he awhile back how it made me feel. I felt so awful about it, and I told her....she asked why, and I said because I'm talking about her daughter, and that's wrong, it should be like a boundary or something. She corrected me, saying it's not about her daughter, but we're talking about my FEELINGS. She hasn't changed the way she talks about her daughter....in fact, one day, she had to have her in the waiting room during my session. I was more uncomfortable about her being on the other side of that door than I was talking to T about her in a prior session. I surely don't hate her, but I was hoping to keep the thought of her out of my sessions.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

Block their names. At least it will be a two step process that you'll have to slow down to think twice about before you unblock them in order to see their pages again. Perhaps having to slow down and consider why you are doing it will keep you off their pages.

Great advice. I've just done it. I'm so rarely on Facebook I didn't even know this was possible. You're right, at least it will make it more difficult for me if I have to unblock them to view their page.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Or you hate the feelings it arouses in you??

Probably, yeah, you're right.

[musinglizzy]

I don't hate my T's kid, I usually hate listening to her talk about her. It doesn't take up much time in sessions, but I don't want to here about her daughter she loves so much. It's triggering.

[Myrto]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

I don't hate my T's kid, I usually hate listening to her talk about her. It doesn't take up much time in sessions, but I don't want to here about her daughter she loves so much. It's triggering.

God, of course it is triggering. I can't believe your T is STILL talking about her daughter even after you told her how it made you feel.
Thankfully, my therapist has never mentioned her kids. If she did, I'd be so upset. Also she doesn't have a daughter, only sons. Which makes it a bit easier to imagine me as her daughter. If she had a daughter, it'd be even more painful.
So I can imagine your pain.

[musinglizzy]

What's worse is that they had an appt or something prior to my session, she pulled her out of school that day. (she's 15). They then had plans after my session, so my T came to the office specifically for my session then left again. She brought daughter with her, who sat in the waiting room, right outside the door, during my session. She sent me a text saying she might be a few minutes late, then said she'd have her daughter with her, and I'd get to "meet her." I had no interest in meeting her....she has pics in her office, and she's a beautiful little thing. I knew during my session, she had her daughter on her mind. She got there late, had to leave early, and once while we were talking during the session she jumps up, peeks her head out the door and says something about her daughter as far as when to be ready to go. I remember during that session saying more than once "we dont' have to do this," or "I don't need to be here right now," so she knew of my discomfort. Honestly I don't think it will happen again. But that was one awful session. YES, it would be easier if she had a son instead of a daughter. At times, just thinking of T and her daughter makes me think therapy makes me feel worse, and that I ought to quit. Transference is just an awful thing, and at times I don't WANT to work through it. Too painful. I'd rather quit. I wonder why I do this to myself. I beat myself up in my head a lot.....and if I can't come up with a reason, all I have to do is think of T and her daughter. One time she let me in a minute or two early, but had to make a phone call quick. It was to her daughter. Said "I love you baby" at the end. I felt a lump forming in my throat.

I think this is a really good post topic. Because it's hard on many of us.