Texting T

I know from reading other threads that texting my T and not getting an answer is just one of the most painful things.

On Friday, I texted my T for extra support-a painful anniversary is coming up and I've been having a bit of a hard time. With food (I'm in recovery from anorexia and bulimia) and with anxiety. I didn't get an answer, which is SO unlike her. My brain instantly went to "omg something bad happened to her" and/or "omg she's mad at me."

And then something magical happened. All of the DBT, the meditation, the yoga, and yes THE FREAKING THERAPY kicked in and I found myself thinking "chill out. She probably just got busy and forgot. Our relationship is ok. She is most likely ok. I'm a little hurt, and I will talk to her in session Monday." And I did. And it was just as I thought.

Whoa. Therapy working? Could it be? Six months, a year a go I would be having a meltdown. Two years ago I might have been slightly suicidal and ready to quit. And now I'm fine. And we're fine.

Cool stuff.

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You sound amazing!

Congratulations, I'm chuffed for you.

I had a similar moment this week. I left very frustrated and mad last session which usually means I'll convince myself that she is frustrated with me, doesn't like me, etc. I kept waiting for a melt down or being more emotional. Nothing ever happened. I realized that perhaps I'm securely attached and feel better about our relationship. It was such a better week!
Yay for progress!

It's great when good plan comes together. Good job using your skills! That's what my T kept impressing on me: practice, practice, practice. It does pay off.

That's a good point that I didn't think of-maybe the change also speaks to attachment? Maybe my attachment has gotten more secure?

All I know is, I once texted my pdoc and she thought she answered me but hadn't. I texted her a week later stating that I needed referrals for pdocs, because obviously she didn't want to work with me anymore and was about to terminate me. I was beyond devastated, just shattered. (She was like "what on earth are you talking about? Oh hi borderline symptoms!")

Now I can't even believe that person was me. When ppl feel that way, I so completely understand it, but those deep intense feelings of abandonment are gone. (It used to be so bad, in fact that I couldn't even bring myself to post about it here, because it all felt too painful. So PC doesn't really know about that part of my life.)

In a way though it's hard and strange because I feel a bit empty....like feeling so attached was profoundly painful but it was so intense that it also felt good. Now that the attachment feels more secure and even and I'm generally more even, it's kind of like "ok. Huh. So what now?" Like, I sort of miss the intensity of the attachment and all the drama that came with it. Can anyone else relate?

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Thank you!!

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That's wonderful! I'm so glad to hear it.

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It definitely does!

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It's good to know that it is possible to make progress in therapy.

God I read this and it sounds exactly like me. I never realized how strong my borderline tendencies are. I have the same problem where I'm so attached to my therapist that if he says one wrong thing, I'm ready to dump him. It's a painful place to be, but you're right. It's so intense and almost delicious that it's hard to let go. Life sounds boring and empty without it, and yet I'm ****ing miserable.

Sorry to hijack your thread, but your post really hit home.

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