[musinglizzy]

I'm posting this here, as it IS therapy related, and I know I'll get feedback here. I have been through a lot in my life and should have seen a T much earlier than I did, but hindsight is 20/20.

I started seeing a psychologist in May. I had contacted a lawyer first, but then chickened out when they called me back for a consult, and went hunting for a therapist next. It was a pretty scary/new experience for me, but now, 9 months later, I believe it to be the best decision I have made. She's helping me try to heal a bunch of old wounds, plus helping me make sense of my current life.

Been married for 15 years, and hubby has shown he's not the hands-on dad to our son that I thought he'd be, but beyond that, he's started getting sneaky. I don't believe he would ever have an affair, no, but he's been getting sneaky with purchases the past few years, purchasing things after we talked about it and it was (I thought) agreed that we can't afford it. We live paycheck-to-paycheck, we have debt, we have no savings. The last straw was last spring when he tried to take out an 18K loan behind my back, not realizing that the bank would need to contact me prior. Unfortunately for them, they didn't contact me until two days before the loan closing, after they had done a lot of work setting this up, and then finding out from me that I would NOT be signing any papers for a loan, and also finding out through me that he lied about our list of assets. He took assets and property belonging to my family and used them as his own to get this loan. And the idiots that they are, they didn't look into those assets to see that they were not ours. Anyway, the list goes on, but trying to make a long story short here.

I no longer want to be married to this man. I need to financially separate myself from him to protect myself. If he's going to make decisions as if he's a single man, perhaps he needs to become one.

Actually going through with this will be difficult, and I don't know what kind of time frame I'm looking at. We have a 13 year old son. The house is in my family's name, so we're safe there, we do not own property together. Although because he's done work on the house, he feels 100% entitled to it. Well, he's also lived here rent free for 14 years, so I think that WAY more than compensates for that. Neither of us own the house, but he feels it will be as much his as mine some day. this house was an early inheritance for me, however, it's not in my name. Yes, hubby did help with some of the labor. ON HIS OWN FREE WILL. We had a builder.

I need to make plans to find myself a different job, with benefits, and save up some money somehow, so I can become more self sufficient. I don't think hubby would see this coming, honestly. We have been sleeping in separate rooms (on separate floors of the house) for a couple of years now. There's very little arguing, but there is also no relationship anymore. No trust, no connection.

I'm just reaching out here, to see if there's anyone else who's been in this situation and given themselves time to try to prepare. I'm scared. And quite depressed, due to the path my life has taken.

My T has been supportive, and seems to want me to talk about it a lot more than I want to talk about it. I know all I have to do is say "I don't want to talk about it," but then I wonder where we'd go. My mind is so occupied with this, bringing up trauma from the past would just add to that. So my sessions have been very difficult lately.

We are in a 50/50 state....but still, the house is not his, or mine. To those who have been through divorce, what happened with family pets? He will fight for the dog before he'd fight for our son, I know it. But you can consider the dog the family dog, and I don't think he should be taken away from my son. I also don't want to lose him. I would think, at my son's age, he could have a say in where he lives. Hubby would end up at his dads, where four people reside currently, all heavy smokers. My son hates the smell, and is not close with his family anyway. He's VERY close with mine, who all live down the road from me. I've been a single parent most of his life, his dad has not put any effort into going to anything, extra curricular sports, conferences, concerts, etc. Our son just knows it'll just be me. It always is.

I hate my life. Sometimes therapy makes me feel worse, but I figure we'll always feel worse before we feel better. I've grown a bit dependent on my T, and that's the part I don't like. But I really need her support right now, and her feedback.

[Petra5ed]

If the house is in your families name it will stay that way. As for custody of your son I would imagine some kind of shared custody arrangement would be made, and possibly the dog could follow your son as well if that's an issue. It sounds like you may want or feel entitled to full custody but unless your husband doesn't want your son or is in some way dangerous I don't think you can keep him from having custody. If you stayed home with your son putting your career on hold in some states you could be entitled to alimony. Overall I think it's obviously best and cheapest if you and your husband can work out some kind of mutual agreement with regard to custody and splitting up property, otherwise the court battle can be costly and time consuming.

I'd keep talking to your t about it so that you process it and handle things with your son the best way . Sorry you're going through this. I do get how frustrating it can be to live with a guy who says one thing and does another. Don't even get me started!!

[musinglizzy]

As a matter of fact I DID quit my job and stay home with our son from birth till kindergarten.

I'm not saying I would deny him of his father, I'm saying I don't think either one of them would have interest in shared custody. I don't feel entitled to anything. My husband has NOT been an involved father, and our son thinks he hates him, so I don't think custody would be an issue.

[Petra5ed]

If your husband doesn't want custody and your son would rather stay with you then you could (depending on the state) get alimony and child support. My parents divorced when I was 13 though and had a long custody battle spanning 2 years, all for money none was related to who got to keep me, and it did not turn out well for either of them or for me. It did turn out for the two attorneys who made a killing. That's why I said that. If your son does want joint I would put yourself in his shoes, but assuming he doesn't then it seems easy enough.

[JustShakey]

I'm about to start into this. I was hoping to have a good job as some money saved but things didn't turn out that way. I think it might be better this way though - you can end up waiting forever for the right time...

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Can therapy records be brought into a divorce case or a child custody case? That is something to consider.

[musinglizzy]

My son would not want to be with his dad. Only through my nagging, I have tried to get him to do things with our son, who doesn't want to do things with him alone. He's not used to it. I would do what is in the best interest of my son, but he would not want to be with his dad (even for visitation I'm sure), and it would be an unhealthy environment for him with 5 chain smokers in the house (where I'm sure he'd go to). I had considered just saving myself financially, divorcing him and continuing to live as room mates, however I don't think he's setting a good example of a father/son relationship, and I feel our son is learning how to be a dad through his own. This is very raw for me, as I never knew who my father was (still don't), so I didn't have that in my life, and it breaks my heart for my son to be experiencing this. My husband and his father/family are insanely close, so I was sure I chose a good one. I was wrong.

Like my T said, you can't really plan things like this, and a divorce doesn't happen with one conversation, but I'm hoping to hold out until summer. I specifically asked about my going to therapy, and could that hinder my possible custody of our son, she said it can only help. Proves I tried to fix myself, if nothing else. So the fact that I am going to therapy twice a week, and he won't go, looks good for me.

I would be fair, anything his is his, anything mine is mine (although the state doesn't see it that way). So I would hope we could figure things out ourselves. It all depends on him.

I, too, would like to save $, but can't afford it first of all (he hoards money, then spends it on expensive, frivolous things), and secondly, any money I did save would end up half his anyway. Not only did I stay home with our son, but after he started school, I took a part time job with the school district so I could work around his schedule and be home when he is. It's been tough, but saved us a lot in daycare costs!

Now I've seen him looking at new trucks online, and outdoor wood burners. What's next? I always worry what he'll buy next. Some stuff he does behind my back. Others, we discuss, agree we can't afford it, then he goes and does it anyway. A year ago last fall it was a 60", $4000 TV. He had it ordered. I made him cancel it. We can't afford to spend that kind of money. I'm always waiting for "what's next."

I hate to badmouth, but there are other things too. He doesn't brush his teeth, he doesn't shower but once every couple weeks, so I quit sharing a bed with him a long time ago, partially because, honestly, he stinks. He wears the same jeans, shirt and underwear all week long. They can stand up by themselves by the end of the week. He has a very physical, dirty job.

I don't have any advice, not having had to go through something like this. It's too bad for you and your son that H won't get counseling, though. He sounds seriously depressed.

I'm glad the house is not your name, by the way. That's a blessing.

[InRealLife45]

the house isnt an issue bc it isnt in either of your names. as far as the law/divorce proceedings is concerned, it doesn't exist. so he did work on a house he was living in-so what. doesnt make it his now.

as for your son, from what youve told me, I doubt he would even ask for shared custody, but if he does it typically winds up being a weekend type deal. as for the dog- tell the court its your sons dog...whoever gets the kid gets the dog? I dont really know what theyll say, though.

also he will have to pay child support, so hopefully you can factor that into your budget post separation from him.

[carwrecked]

I think we must wear the same pair of shoes! I am in such a similar predicament.

I would only add that it is my belief you would be better served, having paid for therapy to discuss your issues with your therapist. Whatever your future may hold, your therapist can help you navigate your life and feel better about the decisions you make. I wish you the best of luck!

[musinglizzy]

IRL, yes, you are right. He would not choose to go with his dad. They have virtually NO relationship. Carwrecked, I am discussing my issues with my T. I am seeing her twice a week, and have been seeing her for almost 9 months now.

[Favorite Jeans]

Is there a divorce resource centre or mediation program where you live? It is generally way cheaper, less bitter and less adversarial that way. It sounds like you probably already pretty much agree on how you'd like custody to go so it could be helpful to work with people who try to build on areas of agreement rather than capitalize on spouses' anger and bitterness.

[Lauliza]

Therapy can only help you and a T won't release your records anyway without a subpeona and even then the records won't say much.

If you live in a 50/50 state then you are entitled to anything purchased after marriage. If the house does not belong to either of you then he has no claim on it - it doesn't matter how much work he's done on it. Use your T as a source of support - it will be so helpful!

[musinglizzy]

Thanks...my T is also a certified divorce coach, whatever that means.

[growlycat]

Talked to a lawyer yet? I hope you can protect yourself and your son before your husband has a clue.

[musinglizzy]

I called a lawyer, and panicked when they returned my call to set up a consultation. That's when I went and found a T instead, thinking perhaps if I could "fix myself...."