[PaulaS]

I´m looking for a new T and I hope I´ll soon be about choosing one. I´ve seen one of those potential T:s twice now and I got a good impression of her. We´ve talked about our weekly schedules, I can´t see her on Monday and Tuesdays and I told her why.

I said if I then choose to be in therapy with her I can meet with her on Wednesdays, Thirsdays and Fridays and I already the first time noticed that she didn´t comment upon availability on Fridays.

Now, I were about to schedule a third evaluation meeting with her and we got in touch by e-mail. I asked her for an appointment on Wednesday or Thirsday (as I already got the notion she isn´t available on Fridays). She answered back and told me she had no appointment times on Wednesday or Thirsday. She also asked "how is your schedule for next week"?

As I wanted to see her this week I then asked her "Are there any appointment times on Friday?". It was a straight question. I then said "if there aren´t we can look into our schedules for next week"

She answered back and she didn´t answer my question about the appointment on Friday! She just said "we´ll have to look for an appointment time next week".

Just ignoring my question makes me feel like an infant or a retard, of course I understand there is something to it that makes her not answering me. I´m not looking for an explanation but if she generally don´t work on Fridays, why not say so? I mean something like "I don´t work on Fridays, we´ll have to choose another appointment days".

I wouldn´t ask her why. The thing that makes me angry is when people think they can withhold information without people noticing. Why this unmotivated secrecy? To share this basic info is not breaking any boundaries. It´s on the contrary more damaging not sharing the info as the question also was risen once or twice before.

I think this becomes a kind of trusting issue. As I know she has the right per se not telling me or comment upon it I don´t want to make a large issue out of it but at the same time I´m now hesitating about a third meeting with her.

How to reason around this?

[IndestructibleGirl]

I would just take the answer to mean she is not free on Fridays, whether it's because she doesn't work that day or is booked out or something else. Honestly, she did answer the question, as far as I can see? She just didn't break it down?

I answer emails or texts like this sometimes, both in private and professional life, and it would not cross my mind that the other person would think I was evading the question.

[UnderRugSwept]

It sounds like there may or there may not (sounds like probably the latter) be available appts on Friday...although some Ts have varying schedules that are not set week-to-week. It sounds like you are taking her response personally, which is a waste of your energy, when it might only be a matter of her word choice and your interpretation. When you said, "If there aren't, we can look into our schedules for next week," it sounds like you are open to discussing other available options with her besides Friday. It appears she is going with that. You have given no reason in your post for you not to trust her; the only secrecy I see here is imagined on your part.

Don't overinterpret this. She probably has no availability on Friday, so she didn't offer Friday. Period. You, again, are personalizing something that just isn't personal. Just schedule where she has availability and don't turn this into something it isn't in your mind.

[PaulaS]

Yes, I agree to that you understand there are no available appointment times on Fridays, but still - why can´t she just tell me? As the question about our weekly schedules have been discussed before and I also then brought Fridays up I think it´s just strange or unneccesary to withhold information.

If you ask a question like "do you have any available appointments on Friday", I don´t think it´s too much to ask that you get an answer. I don´t think it has to be anything personal, perhaps she answers everyone in the same way but I still think it´s withholding basic information.

Originally Posted by Elsewhere

It sounds like there may or there may not (sounds like probably the latter) be available appts on Friday...although some Ts have varying schedules that are not set week-to-week. It sounds like you are taking her response personally, which is a waste of your energy, when it might only be a matter of her word choice and your interpretation. When you said, "If there aren't, we can look into our schedules for next week," it sounds like you are open to discussing other available options with her besides Friday. It appears she is going with that. You have given no reason in your post for you not to trust her; the only secrecy I see here is imagined on your part.

Or . . . she was replying quickly between paying her bills, doing the laundry, and whatever and just didn't respond to that question her response was quick and to the point . . . Why the need to see secret agendas in every T's interactions with you? You seem to do this every single time you interact with a T. Relax a bit. Make an appointment. Ask again about Fridays next time you see her. I doubt there is some secret agenda about Fridays going on. Just an oversight in the conversation.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by PaulaS

Yes, I agree to that you understand there are no available appointment times on Fridays, but still - why can´t she just tell me? As the question about our weekly schedules have been discussed before and I also then brought Fridays up I think it´s just strange or unneccesary to withhold information.

If you ask a question like "do you have any available appointments on Friday", I don´t think it´s too much to ask that you get an answer. I don´t think it has to be anything personal, perhaps she answers everyone in the same way but I still think it´s withholding basic information.

Actually I would say that yes she did tell you I don't think she is withholding anything.

I think you expect a very literal communication style? But most people, I would hazard a guess, use the subtleties of language in the way this therapist has done.

If I say to my mate "Would you like to go to the cinema this weekend?" and they say "No, I can't make it - what about midweek?" and then I say "Hmm what about next weekend then?" I see that as a socially acceptable way of communicating that for whatever reason I can't do midweek but would like to know if next weekend works for my friend.

[JaneTennison1]

When you ask her if she has appointments on Friday and if not we'll look at next week and she replied we'll have to look at next week, she may have thought she was answering the question because Friday is out.

Don't look for an excuse to dump her because she may not answer a question the way you expect. She may just have focused on the appointment part of it.

[Skywalking]

Hi PaulaS,

I'm a professional question asker and have to remind myself that when I want to know something, I have to ask the question and not add any... "or is THIS the thing?" kind of statement/question after asking it. People are verbally geared to addressing the last thing you've said and skipping the first. I think that's what happened here.

If you're still concerned about Friday availability, try asking "Are you available on Fridays?" and if she says no without elaborating, and you want to know why, follow that up with "Out of curiosity, can you tell me why?"

That will at least dissect things so you know what you're dealing with.

[stopdog]

I would probably try asking directly if she sees clients on Fridays.

Skywalking makes a great point. I had a boss that I learned never to ask either or questions to--I would not get a straight answer. It's up to you to be specific in your question about Fridays.

That said, while I think you are super nit picky and overly suspicious of therapists you interact with, I do understand the need to know what your scheduling options are because you can't do M or T; if F is off the table, you have a narrower window of options.

Most therapists have set working days and make them known. Mine doesn't work Fridays, but I would never think to ask (or care) why not, even if she never specifically said she didn't work Fridays. I assume she needs a three day weekend because it's draining work, but that's not for her to tell me or for me to demand to know.

[anilam]

Yeah, I'd probably answer you the same, not even thinking about saying I can't this Friday/I don't work Fridays lets... you are not asking what she does on Fridays you are asking for a free slot- and she goes and answers along that line.
Why not, when in session, ask her about her availability?

I'm sorry, but I don't think she ignored your question at all. You asked if there were any appointment times on Friday? . . .and if not, we can look into our schedules for next week. She wrote back "we'll have to look for an appointment time next week." That is crystal clear to me. In fact, it doesn't get any clearer. She doesn't have any appointments on Friday so she's suggesting you both schedule something the following week. She doesn't owe you an explanation of why she doesn't have appointments available or if that's her day off. She's willing to schedule an appointment with you but it will have to be the following week. Seems pretty clear to me that she's open and willing to work with you, but it has to be on a day she has an opening.

[Xenon]

I agree with the other posters that she was clearly answering your question. I don't think it's helpful for you to hear that, though.

I think you're having a hard time trusting and feeling positive about anyone you meet with because of your previous experiences. Getting answers from here about specific things that potential Ts do that make you feel hurt or distrustful doesn't seem to be helping you. It doesn't seem to change your view of any of the scenarios you describe, the thread dies out, and sometime later you come in with another scenario where you talked with someone else and came away feeling like you could never work with them either for some different reason.

If getting back into therapy is something you want to pursue right now (and maybe it's not, I don't know), I think you'll need to accept starting with a new T will not feel good, no matter what. You'll likely feel a lot of distrust and doubt when meeting people, and get an urge to leave and not return, and this will likely happen even with someone who might be a good fit for you. And you'll have to take the plunge in spite of these strong feelings and doubts. I myself took years between crappy therapy experiences to try again. It's hard and it sucks. I'm sorry.

[divine1966]

I think if she was your best friend or significant other then this Indirect communication style would be irritating (if a partner won't tell you what they do and won't elaborate it often means they are hiding something) but she isn't. She doesn't need to tell u why Friday's are not good days, they just not

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[Gavinandnikki]

Originally Posted by Xenon

I agree with the other posters that she was clearly answering your question. I don't think it's helpful for you to hear that, though.

I think you're having a hard time trusting and feeling positive about anyone you meet with because of your previous experiences. Getting answers from here about specific things that potential Ts do that make you feel hurt or distrustful doesn't seem to be helping you. It doesn't seem to change your view of any of the scenarios you describe, the thread dies out, and sometime later you come in with another scenario where you talked with someone else and came away feeling like you could never work with them either for some different reason.

If getting back into therapy is something you want to pursue right now (and maybe it's not, I don't know), I think you'll need to accept starting with a new T will not feel good, no matter what. You'll likely feel a lot of distrust and doubt when meeting people, and get an urge to leave and not return, and this will likely happen even with someone who might be a good fit for you. And you'll have to take the plunge in spite of these strong feelings and doubts. I myself took years between crappy therapy experiences to try again. It's hard and it sucks. I'm sorry.

This 100%. It's the fear of taking the plunge back into scary territory that is manifesting as a potential therapist problem.Trust will take a while, you know.

[Seeking_Peace]

Originally Posted by PaulaS

I said if I then choose to be in therapy with her I can meet with her on Wednesdays, Thirsdays and Fridays and I already the first time noticed that she didn´t comment upon availability on Fridays.

If you noticed that she didn't directly comment about Friday's during the 1st appointment, why didn't you ask her right then and there directly if she sees clients Fridays?

Originally Posted by PaulaS

Yes, I agree to that you understand there are no available appointment times on Fridays, but still - why can´t she just tell me?

Because she thinks you are an intelligent adult who is capable of interpreting her answer. Her response that you two have to book next week....that one-liner does indirectly answer your question about Friday. Either she doesn't work Friday's or she's all booked up....whatever her reason is the bottom line is that she is not available this Friday. Plain and simple. She is not withholding any information. You asked if she has time this Friday and she indirectly told you "no".

Whether or not she sees clients on Fridays is a different question and one that you chose not to ask....when you saw her in person and on the e-mail.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by anilam

Yeah, I'd probably answer you the same, not even thinking about saying I can't this Friday/I don't work Fridays lets... you are not asking what she does on Fridays you are asking for a free slot- and she goes and answers along that line.
Why not, when in session, ask her about her availability?

I walked into my hair salon last night to make an appointment, and the receptionist did not step thru day by day - he just suggested days with openings. He did say at one point that she did not work on tuesdays, but the OP also knows that her t does not work on mondays or tuesdays. My feeling is that the t is trying to minimize her regular appointments on that day for some reason; maybe she does not feel secure in sharing that information. There could be any number of reasons, and she doesnt want to lie about it.

[stopdog]

Perhaps I am confused. I see no problem with a therapist not telling a client why a particular day or time won't work just like a client does not have to explain their unavailability to a therapist.
But I do think it useful to know what days the therapist does see clients.

Originally Posted by divine1966

I think if she was your best friend or significant other then this Indirect communication style would be irritating (if a partner won't tell you what they do and won't elaborate it often means they are hiding something)

It might seem like that because we are picking the message to pieces here, but in reality, this is how most people do communicate. At least in English, and in my native language, but it is very unlikely that Spanish (which is presumably what Paula speaks with her T) would work differently. Think about it when you listen to people talk - in fact, this is one of the ways in which human language is different from animal communication, as far as we know anyway. Q: "Do you want to go to the movies tonight?" A: "I have a huge exam tomorrow." It is unnecessary to supply the "no, I can't", because it is implied. It's how humans communicate. We supply enough information and trust the people we're talking to to infer the rest.

That being said, maybe a T should take care to communicate more clearly than a regular person. But I don't think there was anything evasive or unclear in the response.

[unaluna]

I think she is doing some kind of community service for drunk driving or something, so its temporary, but she doesnt want to talk about it. Or she is getting physical therapy, also temporary, for a hip replacement, and she doesnt want to broadcast that. I enjoy drama. Eta - this might be the italian in me - we will imagine the worst!

[InRealLife45]

....she did answer your question by repeatedly saying you needed to be looking at an appointment for next week. Friday is not on the table. I think you mentioned earlier that you knew that before you asked, and the T then reiterated it by saying "look at next week."

So you are working yourself up over semantics.

[Lauliza]

She did answer the question by suggesting seeing you next week. That's another way of saying "no I can't see you this Friday". Just semantics so I wouldn't over focus on it. I agree with StopDog in that if a very specific answer you need to ask specifically if she ever sees clients on Fridays.

[PaulaS]

I understand what her answer means, that´s not what I was bothered about. The T saw my question and as we are about to see how our weekly schedules could fit together and to find an appointment time I know she understands I want an answer to whether she works on Fridays or not.

Even if I understand the message she gave me for this week, she can´t see me on Friday, knowing her availability for therapy sessions is still a question. Even if I´d choose say having meetings on Wednesdays there might be situations when I want to schedule a meeting another day and perhaps on a Friday. I just mean, there´s no gain in not answering my question as the question will perhaps come up again.

If there´s no boundary crossing by answering I think it´s just unneccesary not answering such a simple question. Perhaps she was in a hurry and just wanted to answer me quickly but as she kind of ignored the question in meeting as well, I think she just doesn´t want to "confess" she doesn´t work on Fridays or that she works somewhere else on that day.

I´m not her client yet and I´ll let this thing pass as I don´t think it´s anything personal about it. It´s just me who´s very careful in answering people in a thoughtful way and not leaving unneccesary questions hanging. If an answer will take one minute more, then be it.

I´ve schduled another meeting with this T anyway as I know I´ll never meet a person who doesn´t disappoint or bother me in some way. Not to brag or anything like that, I don´t do such things, but when I think about it, noone have ever told me I got them disappointed, I really try not to.

Originally Posted by Lauliza

She did answer the question by suggesting seeing you next week. That's another way of saying "no I can't see you this Friday". Just semantics so I wouldn't over focus on it. I agree with StopDog in that if a very specific answer you need to ask specifically if she ever sees clients on Fridays.

[divine1966]

I would meet her and see how she is in person. If she is very evasive in general then I'd think about it. I like direct communication myself too. But don't rush with decisions

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