[Soccer mom]

I think others have posted similar thoughts....I lost my mom (death) and didn't get what I needed from her (affection, emotional connection, etc.). So, here I am with my therapist who I adore who I also want things from, who cannot give me what I need, and I will lose at termination.

Am I just setting myself up for disappointment? I've read that part of it is processing and mourning what we never got as children but it looks like I will eventually do that again when therapy is over.

I miss her right now, hate that I get jealous of others spending time with her and overall hate that she means so much to me. Attachment as an adult sure is difficult when you've never had it with another maternal figure.

[PeeJay]

Take this with a grain of salt, soccermom, but I alternate from feeling really full in life and healthy and not needing my therapist, to feeling like she means so much to me that i'd be lost without her.

It got worse before it got better. The attachment sometimes felt all-consuming to the point where I monitor her family's social media profiles to feel close to her. (She doesn't explicitly know, but she knows I get 'cute' on Internet stuff.)

But now, I find myself not checking so often and feeling like even if I lost her, I might actually be OK and survive. I'd be sad, but I'd be really thankful for her help and impact on my life.

She's helped me tap into other sources of healing -- my own inner strength, higher power, my ancestors, etc.

So, I think you can survive it and it gets better with time.

[ScarletPimpernel]

It will be another loss. But part of therapy is learning to build yourself up so you can handle loss better. There will always be losses in life and the difficulty varies. So if you view the loss of your T presently, then yes it seems like you're setting yourself up for failure. But if you view this relationship and the purpose of this relationship in the long run, it has greater benefit then not having it at all. In the relationship, you will actually get to work through the grieving process with the actual person you're losing. You will have the support and encouragement.

It's easier said than done. I know there will be a termination in the future with my T. I don't think about it because I can't even cope with it. But logically it's there. It's hard. I've been through several "terminations"; none of them were easy. But in the end, I am grateful that I had the relationship.

[magicalprince]

How can you enjoy what she gives you right now if you're so afraid of losing it someday? I'm not trying to be mean but have you ever thought about it? In that case, I don't know if it's worth it because you can't even appreciate it before you lose it, let alone after.

I think frustration is a powerful emotion. It tells you what you really want out of life. Maybe T can't give it to you but maybe she can. It all depends on how you interpret your time with her. It's up to you to interpret it in a way that makes you feel loved. Maybe T even feels love for you, but if she can't express it because of the rules, does that mean it didn't happen? And some people express love but don't mean it, too. It's not about what people say. It's about how they make us feel special. Ultimately you have to be the keeper and protector of that. Don't you think?

[Restin]

I'm in the same boat, SoccerMom, as my mom died when I was one, and things went south from there. I've read up a lot on this subject of attachment therapy and Transference work, and I'm not nearly so afraid of it now. For one thing, I got up the nerve to ask T how she planed to deal with the Transference. The modern way now with many therapists is to encourage the inner child feelings of love and longing, as well as all other emotions you had with the 'caregivers". But it isn't just to make you grieve your heart out as the main purpose of therapy. It's supposed to be a healing relationship that makes up for a lot of what you lost. It is not short-term therapy as the feelings and fears need to play out fully. You don't just reason about them, but live them with the T, both the good and bad, at your own pace. The boundaries are difficult, yes, but the positive helps make up for that. Your brain itself needs to have it's synapses re-routed in the healing relationship with the T. If you never had love and security, you need to have it with the T. As you have some of your needs fulfilled, that gives you strength to deal with some of the disappointments that come. But a good therapist doesn't force your process and you actually feel a readiness for the stages of therapy as they develop.
I'm even surprised that I write like this now, as I was one of those so terrified of the grieving and termination part. I know now that the fear of grieving made me accentuate, and focus on it as a monster in therapy. I won't even let myself think about termination now, as I trust my T to make things humane in the work. The more I can talk to my T about all these fears, the better i do.
I love the saying someone had on the site here that "as long as you are terrified of the end, then it isn't the end."

[Soccer mom]

It's hard because it sometimes mirrors my relationship with my mom. But, then I also recognize how she's different: she has told me she cares about me, won't abandon me, won't let me push her away, etc.

I think it just overall scares me. I want to get to a place where I feel comfortable with the relationship and don't have all the fears.

[musinglizzy]

Unfortunately I think this way too. I always worry about the future. Even things completely out of my control, or things that are far from imminent. Including no longer seeing my therapist. At two sessions per week, I think I've formed quite a close bond with her. I dread not having her one day. It's just miserable to have this one person who you are supposed to connect with, and trust with everything inside, things we may not even tell our spouses or family or best friends, but know they cannot forever remain a part of our lives. My T just Emailed me last night saying "Therapy cannot work without love. How are you going to let yourself be that vulnerable without it? It's not a love that would translate into a relationship beyond the therapy one, but if it isn't there, it's a lost cause."

In my opinion, to love a T IS setting us up for disappointment down the road, however my T keeps assuring me that once that time comes, I will be in a better place and able to handle it. I try to trust she is right. I've already done well..as in the past, I never would have gotten myself into a situation like this to begin with.

You just haven't finished the work we do in therapy, is all.

[Crescent Moon]

It gets better when you do what they call 'internalizing' the therapist. For me it happened on its own. I don't think you can 'make' it happen... its part of the whole attachment process. After that 'internalization' thing takes place, that's when you begin the long process of not needing them so badly.

And in the end, you naturally feel much more like peers.