[nevertheless002]

http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...y-healing.html

Hello to everyone,

I am here, looking for help again. I welcome every input You feel like adding. First time I have done this thing, it has helped me a lot, so Thank You. Please, give me a hand here, too.
I am trying to look deeper into : sharing suffering.

I would like to start with words from Martin Buber's collections.
"If you want to raise a man from mud and filth, do not think it is enough to keep standing on top and reaching down to him a helping hand. You must go all the way down yourself,down into mud and filth. Then, grab him there with strong hands and bring him and yourself to light."

I do not know exactly where to start. It is again, the same thing.
There is a dear person to me in my life, I know this person suffers a lot. I have not understood enough of this person's difficulties and suffering. My intention is to make this person suffer less.
However, I find myself in agonizing fear and anxiety that I, in my cosy existence, am not capable of understanding pain nor suffering. What would You do from there?
Do You have any ideas?
There are things not every person goes through in their childhood/life I can only try to imagine... even then... it is simply not possible to have the same experience. I am facing a hurtful wall with a sign - "You will not be able to understand - Thus You cannot reach for this person with a helping hand."

Any comments are appreciated honestly.

[Rive.]

You can only be there for them and really mean it I.e. not 'dump' them when the going gets tough or whatever.

You are right that we all have different experiences and you can't truly walk in another's shoes. So, not sure I agree with 'getting down in the muck' (not always realistically possible anyway). I don't think it's necessary to 'walk the walk' in order to help/care for someone but that's just me. The only tools available are one's presence, consistency, persistence, empathy...

Even when you (general you) suffer and are in the pits of despair, you can see who is there for you. You might not want to open up (maybe thinking no one would understand anyway, or simply not willing to be rejected again by showing your vulnerability). They might even push you away... but a constant, genuine presence, a validation & non-judgmental ear... That can make all the difference. Be there for them but don't push them, if that makes sense.

Would they be willing to see a counsellor or psychologist? They'd have the tools and knowledge to help that person more effectively.

[ThingWithFeathers]

I think one of the best thing you can do is to read a lot about the issues that the person you care about is facing, as well as gaining an understanding of the impacts of those difficulties. I guess you can't force someone to lean on you to help them through their suffering, but you can be an understanding, empathic and welcoming person who cares. If you can read some information on the issues and type of suffering your cared one is facing, especially information specifically for friends or family, then you'll be well informed when, and if, this person decides they're ready to let you help them.

[SnakeCharmer]

It may depend a lot on what kind of problems and suffering your friend is experiencing, the cause and their willingness to allow you into their lives.

For example, I personally am "there" in a different way for a friend who is suffering due to cancer or blindness or severe arthritis than I am for a friend who is suffering from active alcoholism and who continues to drink. I will be "there" differently for a friend suffering from depression or other mental health issue than for someone who is an animal hoarder or someone who abused their children who will now not have anything to do with them.

I don't want to become an enabler. I don't want to disempower by doing things for a person they are still capable of doing for themselves. I'll help, but I don't want to infantilize or invalidize someone by being too helpful.

It's often extremely uncomfortable to just sit calmly listening to another person as they talk about their pain. Or sitting in silence when they refuse or can't speak. Sitting without judgment or condemnation, knowing we can't fix it for them, no matter how much we may want to. There were times in my younger life when having someone listen to me without condemnation or rejection as I poured out my heart or accepting that I just didn't want to talk about it -- it was healing all by itself. It meant so much. Maybe you can provide that for your friend. I wish you the best.