How exactly do you sit with your feelings?

I am having trouble understanding how to sit with my feelings. Please can I have advice as to what that means?

I realize that I have a problem. As soon as I have my session, I have the urge to email my T or start a thread here. I feel like I have to share my feelings and get validated. I find it very difficult to sit with the feelings. You'd think I would be able to do that by now. I was in a DBT group for 1 1/2 years and have been with my T for 5 years.

The only thing that works for me is distraction. Does sitting with your feelings mean doing nothing, or does it mean feeling them? What does it mean to you?

It means accepting/acknowledging my feelings. You don't actualy "sit" and let the feelings fester, but you also don't deny them/ignore them. You determine what you are feeling and what need is going unmet to cause that feelings. Then you do things that will meet that need. By doing this you are respecting yourself and your feelings in a healthy productive manner.

That's my understanding at least.

Yeah, if stg is bothering me I think about how I feel and why while doing some mindless physical choir- unloading dishes, folding clothes... Actual sitting would kill me

I am not very good at it. I always feel like i need to be doing someting- the more feelings i have, the busier I am. A few hours ago when I woke up i was in a good mood and quite calm. After lunch, some trouble came up- so I got busy. This evening I will probably be very busy later as I talked to my t a few minutes ago and got a lot of feelings stirred up.

T2 has mentioned this a couple of times and I am actually planning to tell him today I have no idea what it means. I know how to avoid my feelings, suppress them, numb them, but sit with them? Every time I attempt to let myself feel a feeling it is destabilising, so if that's what it's supposed to mean, I think I need to learn how to cope with that.

I didn't think that trying to meet one's needs was part of it - generally that's not possible, I would think... I think my T refers to "being in the feeling" which to me sounds like I am supposed to acknowledge it and not try to avoid or switch off or suppress it. But I don't actually know. Doing that tends to lead to being overwhelmed, and that can't be the point of the exercise!

Stupid emotions, who needs them.

My understanding is to just let them rise but without attaching value judgments onto them (i.e. labels of ‘good’ or ‘bad’). So, noticing and acknowledging whatever feelings arise (e.g. “oh, i am feeling sad”), even describing the gamut of physical sensations attached to them (e.g. pit in the stomach, tightness in chest etc.) but not reacting to them (by taking rash action, striking back, using distractions etc.). Just passively 'watching'.

Sort of like a detached awareness in a sense because one doesn’t attach a value to them but just lets them be.

I think I understand what you mean.

Let me use an example that my T told me I did correctly.

My fiance was supposed to wake up one morning. He didn't wake up. I waited for him to wake up for another hour...still he slept. I was feeling upset, hurt, frustrated. But really, my problem was that I felt alone which is why I wanted him to wake up. I wanted him to meet that need of mine. Instead of lashing out at him, burying myself in busy work, or taking it out on myself, I had to come up with a way to meet that need myself. So in order to not feel alone, I decided to take the dogs outside and watch the neighbors go to work, the gardeners start their jobs, and the moms walk their babies around the block. I was too afraid to socialize, but at least I no longer felt alone. So my need was met and I did honor my feelings.

My need was not met the way I wanted it to be. Often times, things don't go the way we want it to go. But the world is not black and white. There are more than one way to get your needs met. I'm not saying it's easy or as fulfilling, but it does work.

To me, that is sitting with your feelings. You're acknowledging them and respecting them. They are there and they are real. Don't run away from them or fight them. Allow yourself to feel them, but also allow yourself to work towards that unmet need.

I guess my response takes "sitting with feelings" one step further. Maybe that's where the confusion lies? Or you just disagree

But like you wrote, just sitting with feelings, literally, can be overwhelming and actually make the emotions more intense. That is why it is my understanding that it's more about acknowledging them and meeting your needs.

Thanks! That's a really useful example. I'll have to think about this some more

Hi Rainbow,
It's very difficult for most people to sit with their feelings, myself included. Especially if your feelings are overwhelming and let's face it we all feel overwhelmed at times. My difficulty gas been that as a little girl I was thought that feelings were bad and negative. I was thought to suppress them so I had great hardship trying to even find what I was feeling and to allow my feelings to surface. I never had any support with acknowledging my feelings or even validating them.
It was the scariest thing in the world to let the feelings be and for me to try to acknowledge them. I was always judging them, after me and my partner split up I kept telling myself that the feelings I was having were wrong and I wasn't meant to be feeling like that, instead of supporting myself by saying "Mona, I know you are sad right now. You lost your soul mate, you have a right to be sad and I am here to support you in however you feel. I am right here."
T tells me that I have to be the good supportive mammy I never had to myself. I have noticed a huge difference by letting go of my inner critic and being supportive to myself. I can sit with feelings now rather than react or get attached.
Rainbow, it will be different for you because I hear you being judgemental of yourself and needing lots of validation from others. Do you think you could try and give yourself what others never gave you,? Love and support yourself?

I don't "sit" with my feelings. I try to channel them in the most productive way possible after I acknowledge them of course. My "protocol" so to speak for dealing with my feelings is this:

1. Acknowledge the feeling(s)
2. Detach from the moral judgment
3. Understand what causes it and deal with the cause the best I can
4. Find constructive or the least destructive ways to channel it if it doesn't go away

This "protocol" has worked fine for me so far.

I don't believe in "sitting" with feelings without finding some healthy outlets to release them. All it does IMO is bottles them up inside, and then they start eating away from your health, because feelings are nothing but energies, and so if you let all kinds of intense energies stay in your body, there will be consequences, and I am not talking just about mental conditions. "Sitting" with your feelings, as well as suppressing or repressing them too long and too often, can and often does lead to development of physical illnesses.

This idea that "sitting" with feelings is something that steers you in the direction of health is one of the myths of the profession. It's a primitive misinterpretation of a much deeper spiritual concept of self-awareness that suggests that it's not the feelings that are the problem but our identification with them. The fundamental Buddhist concept of mindfulness suggests that one can achieve inner peace through observing one's feelings, thoughts, sensations and other mental and physical states. Not suppressing, not repressing, but observing, which requires distancing from the objects of observation. That has nothing to do with "sitting" with feelings the way therapist suggest you to do.

It means to let yourself experience them and acknowledge them, rather than reacting to them. It's a way of slowing yourself down so you can observe your feelings instead of having a quick, perhaps knee jerk reaction. I don't think it means sit who them forever, I think it's mindfulness technique to keep you in the moment.

I tend to be very reactive so for me it just means waiting. I write up an email, journal and really feel what I feel and then I wait 24 hrs. Re-read things and review if I still feel that. Way, if my feelings have evolved or changed. What else do I want to add or take away from what I wrote? I had a few months where I would email T right away, now I wait and see what my feelings really are. Maybe this could help you? I'm relishing in the fact that for the first time ever I feel secure T is there if I ask for help and choosing that I don't need the help.

It's about just recognizing what you are feeling, realizing you don't have to do anything about it. That you don't have to fix it, you don't have to stop it, you don't have to be ashamed of it. That the feelings will not last forever, that you can live through the feelings and beyond them. That feelings just need room and acceptance and time more than anything.

I kind of give myself that talk, do some deep breathing, and then make myself do something else rather than allow myself to turn too much inward because if I get too wrapped up in analyzing them or focusing on them, I can get myself into a panic which is just opposite of what I need. I watch a mindless movie or work a word puzzle or play with the dog or talk to my boys about whatever. I can choose to not let the feelings overwhelm me if I make smart choices and don't let myself start contemplating my belly button.

I haven't read the replies yet, though I wanted to respond. I found something I posted elsewhere that expresses how I sit with painful feelings. I have found doing this has been very helpful for me.

From a previous post: In the past, whenever I have felt emotional pain, my first instinct was to fight it, to try to escape, and thus I would become agitated and distressed, which served only to intensify and give energy to my pain. I know now that though it does hurt, it will pass. It means something. So what I try to do now is sit with it, let it come, feel it, surrender to it, confront it, listen to it...It can't really hurt me on a deeper level other than the passing feeling. I try now to learn from it. What I have found is if I stare right at it and open my eyes to it, I can pass through it, and find something meaningful and healing from it. Pain will pass and I will still be. Perhaps even stronger now knowing that, though it is both challenging and difficult, I can manage it and even grow from it. Empowering for me.

I'm sure it must be different for different emotions, but the idea, I think, is to allow and feel your feelings without becoming overtaken by them or needing to act on them.

Take care, RB.

I love this. It's too often misinterpreted and badly misapplied.

For myself, some things I deal with are emotional, so if it gets to be too much, I go for a long rigorous walk with the dogs to be able to breathe. But other things are warning signs that I'm spiraling and need to readjust other treatments, because they are not temporary and won't just go away on their own...sort of like a person can't sit with cancer until it passes.

I think in your situation distraction after acknowledging the feelings might help. I also think "sitting with feelings" is a weird and mythical concept. If we just "sat" around with our feelings we'd never get anything done. LOL.

Just to update, I had this discussion with T2 today, and I likened it to being stung by a nettle; why would you want to sit and feel the pain if there's a dock leaf nearby you can use to relieve it?
He said that feelings are messages. He said if he was stung by a nettle, he would reach for a dock leaf, but he already understands the message the pain is telling him: don't touch a nettle. He said with emotional pain (or any emotional feelings) the purpose of sitting with the feelings is to begin to understand where they come from and what they mean. That analogy made a lot of sense to me.

This sounds like an awesome example to me!

Rainbow, it seems that what you need is to feel validated -- and it seems like it's been kind of THE question for you in a way... how can you feel validated in your feelings without immediately going to your T or to the forum? Especially since when you go to the forum, sometimes people disagree with you, which can *feel* invalidating, even though their disagreement doesn't mean you're "wrong" or "bad" or something like that.

Are there times you have felt validated without someone else's input? What happened?

I appreciate all the different opinions and suggestions. I will respond individually later.:grouphug

I hope you feel better soon! I know it's tough to feel so much and want the warmth of validating badly.
For me I acknowledge that the feeling is there, I think of why I feel this way, and I gauge how bad it is. An example would be guilt (an emotion I have a lot).
Let's say I'm feeling guilty. I notice how my body feels and what feelings corresponds with it. Next I ask myself what caused the guilt (what happened that day). Next I ask my self how much the guilt is affecting me (on like a scale of one to ten). Next I remember that guilt and self-harm are related for me so I begin to realize I need to cope with the emotion. Next I ask myself what I normally do when I;m guilty to feel better,
A lot of time I get stuck on the last two steps and will have to call my T. However, I only called my T when the urge to self-harm became too bad.

Thank you. I'd like to try to figure out what need is going unmet next time I have strong feelings.

Thank you.

That sounds like distraction--keeping busy. Thank you, Starry.

We can learn to cope together! ok?

I don't think it's working if you get overwhelmed, Mastodon! I don't actually know how either.

Thanks, Rive. My DBT lessons are coming back to me. That sounds like what we learned, but I forgot, or I was never good at doing that part of DBT. I remember Marsha Linehan's tape where where she said to "watch your feelings go down the conveyor belt." I think I should look at my DBT book again to review.

It's impressive how you handled that situation, Scarlet. Thanks for sharing.

I'm glad to hear of your progress, Mona! You're right that I am self-critical and don't know how to love and support myself. My H says everything I do I say something about, like the muffins I just baked aren't so good because I overbaked them, the card I painted isn't good enough to give someone, etc. etc! So, when my T doesn't "do it right", (my other thread), I think it's about my believing that I never do it right either. So nothing is "good enough". It's not fun to live that way. My T IS good enough, though, even when she thinks I don't think she is.

That makes sense. I think my T means the way you've described it because she practices mindfulness. She often tells me to simply notice what I'm feeling, that I don't have to act on it. I think that what be what she means about "sitting" with the feelings rather than react immediately.

Yes, I think you're saying what Ididitmyway posted above, and it's what I supposedly learned in DBT and from reading mindfulness books. I seemed to have forgotten it, but it could be I never fully learned it. Thank you.

I usually have trouble with all of my feelings from my session. I have noticed that it's almost Thursday and the waiting, and posting here, have gotten me past the point where I would have emailed my T. I know it's only 2 days, and maybe I'll email her tomorrow, but I feel more settled, and I did it mostly by myself! Thanks, Jane.

Your way sounds like a good compromise. I tend to distract myself OR dwell on the feelings. Perhaps I need a middle ground like you seem to have. Thanks.

Thanks so much, Brightheart. I appreciate your coming back and posting to me. I like what you wrote.

Thanks, licketysplit. Good point you made.

That's funny, puzzle_bug. Distraction does work for me, though some "sitting" with my feelings wouldn't hurt either.

Thanks for sharing what your T said, Echos. It's a good analogy!

Thanks, Sally. What a great question you asked me! Usually it's after my session that I feel the need to be validated most strongly, though it happens in my life most of the time too. I'm not aware of calling it a "need to be validated" so it seems like other things: disappointment, frustration, anger, feeling disconnected from others, but it probably comes down to that need to be validated, to share my feelings and have people acknowledge them. Otherwise I feel kind of invisible. So, maybe, it is really CONNECTION I want most. That's what my t said a few weeks ago. Or both. To feel connected is to feel validated.

I usually want others to validate my artwork or my writing. Sometimes I can feel good, like when I'm swimming, though, and no one needs to validate how good I feel. Is that what you mean?

Thank you for sharing the way you handle your feelings, Ad Intra.

I think I got the word "validated" from one of your responses, can't remember where, but I think it makes a lot of sense that you feel you need to connect with someone around the feelings you're having, and I can see how those would go hand in hand.

Yeah, I think swimming is something like what I mean. I was wondering about when you have feelings that are important to you, but you don't necessarily need to be sharing them immediately with someone else in order for them to feel ok. As an artsy type I do get the need to feel validated about artwork and writing . For me, those are good ways for me to get feelings out that are bothering me and sort of circulating around in my head, because the satisfaction of cleverly expressing them is good enough to settle me down a little, and I don't necessarily need to share them at all. But maybe that wouldn't work so great for you, if it would add another layer of feeling like ok, now you need to show someone your work and it's just put off that feeling of needing to be acknowledged.

So I wonder what it is about the good feeling you get when swimming that you are ok with holding onto yourself, and still feels good without needing to share it and have it acknowledged? I just feel like it would be so great for you if you could feel that way all the time -- like you and your feelings matter, but without needing someone else to make it so.