I am guarded, distrustful and fearful with my new T in a way I never have been with a therapist. She mentioned she had visited a particular church ( it was totally relevant to session) & I got anxious because I don't want to know anything about her life. Knowing a little led to tons of crossed boundaries with my old T. I admit I'm hypervigilant; my new T is aware of my old T but I don't want to make my new T feel like she has to walk on egg shells with me.

I'm two sessions in and like my new T but I'm torn because even though I unofficially ended my personal relationship with my ex T I miss her style in session. She is a damn good therapist despite her crossing the line with me.

This makes it hard to trust new T whom I'm sure is just learning me but is letting me ramble too much in session. Old T knew how to get to the therapy part of talk therapy from day one. So I expect that now. New T provides input but I'm leaving sessions feeling like I just talked a lot and cried even more.

Is just talking the norm with some therapists? How do I get to solutions without openly comparing her to my old T?

[PaulaS]

I can relate a bit to this, being fearful and distrustful because of my experiences in my former therapy. I liked my former T, her style and so on but at the same time I was very hurt by her abandoning me.

Even if I would just leave such a T if I had doubts that really interfered with therapy I would say you could try to mention this to your T. That you liked your old T:s style in therapy and then give her some examples of what you mean.

As it isn´t a personal relationship a proffessional T should be able to handle this and being able to adapt a bit to what you want. Perhaps be more active, ask more questions and not letting you just talk a lot. I don´t think a T can do all these things for a client, but that´s only my personal opinion.

[feralkittymom]

You're only 2 sessions in--give it time. I think she's showing you a lot of respect given your past experience by letting you control the sessions. Maybe what you need right now is to "just" talk and cry. Nothing wrong with that. The settling in period is important because it's building rapport which will lead to trust.

Originally Posted by PaulaS

I can relate a bit to this, being fearful and distrustful because of my experiences in my former therapy. I liked my former T, her style and so on but at the same time I was very hurt by her abandoning me.

Even if I would just leave such a T if I had doubts that really interfered with therapy I would say you could try to mention this to your T. That you liked your old T:s style in therapy and then give her some examples of what you mean.

As it isn´t a personal relationship a proffessional T should be able to handle this and being able to adapt a bit to what you want. Perhaps be more active, ask more questions and not letting you just talk a lot. I don´t think a T can do all these things for a client, but that´s only my personal opinion.

Thank you, I think I'll bring up my concerns to her at my next session with her. I hope she is understanding.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

You're only 2 sessions in--give it time. I think she's showing you a lot of respect given your past experience by letting you control the sessions. Maybe what you need right now is to "just" talk and cry. Nothing wrong with that. The settling in period is important because it's building rapport which will lead to trust.

Yeah, I know you're right. I'm just eager to get work done because I'm in a bad place right now and I feel like I'm just conjuring up all this emotion only to leave session feeling empty and alone with no solution or support system to help me hold it.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by rouge198

Yeah, I know you're right. I'm just eager to get work done because I'm in a bad place right now and I feel like I'm just conjuring up all this emotion only to leave session feeling empty and alone with no solution or support system to help me hold it.

I think the leaving session feeling empty and alone is important and a different issue. Your T should want to know this and offer something to ease those feelings.

But is it possible that the urge for a solution is coming from a wish to avoid the pain that's causing the tears? Would you be willing to tolerate the tearful feelings if you felt more contained/supported by her? I would definitely talk to her about this.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I think the leaving session feeling empty and alone is important and a different issue. Your T should want to know this and offer something to ease those feelings.

But is it possible that the urge for a solution is coming from a wish to avoid the pain that's causing the tears? Would you be willing to tolerate the tearful feelings if you felt more contained/supported by her? I would definitely talk to her about this.

She mentioned that she didn't think therapy should feel like a lot of opening up and just leaving things there.

I know that I'd definitely be more comfortable sitting with the tears if I felt secure in session or like we were working toward actual solutions. I'm very uncomfortable with emotion and uncertainty and right now therapy is really giving me too much of both. So, yes, I guess you could say that I want to avoid pain somewhat. She says she thinks my anxiety is rooted in early childhood trauma and no biology. She is correct but when do we get to solutions?

[feralkittymom]

She sounds like she gets it. Honestly, I don't think we can pursue solutions on a timetable when dealing with trauma. The mind has its own timetable and a lot of variables outside of our control influence it. I think the solutions--not even sure that's the word I would use--arise from within us when we're ready and able to accept them, not before.
ETA: If anxiety is troubling, there are some adjunct behavioral things she can probably introduce that could help mange it.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

She sounds like she gets it. Honestly, I don't think we can pursue solutions on a timetable when dealing with trauma. The mind has its own timetable and a lot of variables outside of our control influence it. I think the solutions--not even sure that's the word I would use--arise from within us when we're ready and able to accept them, not before.
ETA: If anxiety is troubling, there are some adjunct behavioral things she can probably introduce that could help mange it.

Yeah, she seems pretty knowledgeable. I think I spent too many years with my ex T and now I have expectations. I felt very secure with her during session and she was very good about teaching me how to exercise control over what ailed me. I was successfully treated for what I visited her for within 8 months.

There's no clear plan here; I will need to ask her about the behavioral skills/coping techniques you mentioned.

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

She sounds like she gets it. Honestly, I don't think we can pursue solutions on a timetable when dealing with trauma. The mind has its own timetable and a lot of variables outside of our control influence it. I think the solutions--not even sure that's the word I would use--arise from within us when we're ready and able to accept them, not before.
ETA: If anxiety is troubling, there are some adjunct behavioral things she can probably introduce that could help mange it.

I asked her for coping skills and she said we'd talk about it next week. She wants me to sit with the vulnerability.

[Ididitmyway]

Sometimes, the change in style is what's needed most, even though it may feel uncomfortable because it's unfamiliar. I think, if you are able to talk a lot and cry with this new T, it's a good sign that you are processing things. May be that's what you need for some time - just to be able to unload. Give it some time, it may work. I don't know about what happened with your previous therapist, so I don't have any further insight.

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

Sometimes, the change in style is what's needed most, even though it may feel uncomfortable because it's unfamiliar. I think, if you are able to talk a lot and cry with this new T, it's a good sign that you are processing things. May be that's what you need for some time - just to be able to unload. Give it some time, it may work. I don't know about what happened with your previous therapist, so I don't have any further insight.

Thank you for this. I know you're right. It is just a bit challenging because I was so used to another way for so long.