Progress yet heartache/longing

In my session last night my T. said I'm still treating her like my mom - expecting her to belittle me, judge me, abandon me if I tell her my feelings.

On a difficult subject, I said that I'm putting her in a difficult spot - if she doesn't ask any questions I'll be upset or she might ask something that upsets me. A no win situation. She related it to my mom and said I treated my mom the same way. I wasn't ok with what she would tell me unless it was how I wanted to hear it. We have specifically talked about my mom's apology for not being a good mom while she was close to death. I felt it was too late and too broad.

Everytime she brings it up, I kind of shut down and don't want to talk about it. Then, when I leave I have intense heart ache/longing for my T. and am convinced she's frustrated or mad at me.

The progress is 6 months ago I would be in tears right now not knowing how I would make it to my next session. I would REALLY believe she was frustrated with me. I don't feel that desperation but the feelings are still there. I still feel like she doesn't care as much - anytime she brings up a difficult subject or questions me.

This sucks. I know it's due to my relationship with my mom. I know my feelings are irrational but they are still there. It still hurts and I still question our relationship. I have a joint session Thursday where I can talk about some of this but it's supposed to snow again. UGH!

I guess I need to start talking more about my mom but I"m scared I"ll always leave upset and have a horrible time in between sessions.

I know, I need to share this with T. Just wanted some encouragement and suppport.

(((SM)))

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Are you able to call your T in between sessions, if needed? If not, are you ok telling her that you want to talk about your mom, but are hesitant to do so because you are worried you will need someone in between sessions and that leaves you in a bit of a pickle. What would she recommend you to do?

I would think your T is not frustrated with you. She understands you, and wants to help you. Sounds like you have already made a lot of good progress, so you and your T are def doing good things!

She doesn't email and I am only supposed to text for appointments. If I was absolutely freaking out, I'm sure I could call her but I'm not.

She will recommend doing what I've been doing - talking to husband and friends. I think I'm going to tell her I'm ready to talk about it but ask if I can text her "are you mad" so she can respond "no ". That's all it would take. And, maybe knowing she would will keep me from doing it. And, then I remind myself that she has said in the past she's not mad at me and to not make it about her. Kind of true. Here we were talking about my mom and I'm bringing her into it when all she did was ask the questions. I KNOW everything I need to know but I FEEL differently. I wish my thoughts and feelings would get in sync!

I know the feeling!! You'll get there!!