[ThisWayOut]

My t just called to reschedule from this past week. I could have picked a time tomorrow or just skip this week and pick up next week at our usual time. For the first time in a really long history with therapy, I told her I'll just take next week. It's only 4 more days...
part of me thinks it's progress, but part of me wonders if it isn't just me putting up walls. This was the second rescheduling in less than 10 days, and I hadn't left session feeling all that great the last two times we met. Maybe I just need her to have some distence from whatever is going on in her life because I know I'm a frustrating client...
:shrug: I dunno.
Do you ever find yourself wondering if you are shutting t out or actually making progress?

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

My t just called to reschedule from this past week. I could have picked a time tomorrow or just skip this week and pick up next week at our usual time. For the first time in a really long history with therapy, I told her I'll just take next week. It's only 4 more days...
part of me thinks it's progress, but part of me wonders if it isn't just me putting up walls. This was the second rescheduling in less than 10 days, and I hadn't left session feeling all that great the last two times we met. Maybe I just need her to have some distence from whatever is going on in her life because I know I'm a frustrating client...
:shrug: I dunno.
Do you ever find yourself wondering if you are shutting t out or actually making progress?

Personally I think youre punishing her/shutting her out bc her lack on consistency (and how poorly you feel after sessions with her) has been off putting to you. But I could be wrong,.

[pbutton]

I have a hard time gauging if I am shutting T out or being independent.

For me a reaction like this would be probably be protective walls and an attempt at distancing. I LOATHE the idea of any part of me being vulnerable or able to have my feelings hurt, particularly by some paid worker. I mean, really, right? I am way more in control and independent than that. I have my act together, I get the reality of the situation. I would never have feelings that made that little sense, feelings that I'd never want to have. Instead I'd decide the cancellation wasn't a big deal to me.

Eventually I'd realize I was ruminating about how little my T meant to me, just to solidify my position of "power". I'd probably even catch myself on PC, making lots of comments about how little he meant to me. Eventually I'd grudgingly admit the possibility of BS behind all of the posturing. Then I'd be mad about THAT for a while, because I LIKE not wanting contact with anyone. That is is how I wish to be. I do not wish for this attachment crap. Why can't it work that way? Why do I have to be a human and have human feelings? It's all just so unfair. I want to be an island. If I ignore feelings that I do not want, why must they skulk around unwelcome in the background? I got SO SKILLED at pretending they weren't there. Why would I want to delve into the whole picture in therapy? I must be insane.

Progress is measured by how you feel, not by what you do.

Maybe just try not to analyze it too much. It's just a few more days, so even if you were "shutting out," you certainly aren't doing it for long so it isn't like you are running far. Personally, I'd just choose to take the more positive perspective that I realized I am starting to manage that time away better and waiting just a few more days will be no problem because I can handle it. Why not?