[NowhereUSA]

It's a long story, but one of my hang ups is that if I don't think an emotion is appropriate for a setting or if it's an emotion that encourages attachment in some form, I tend to shut down. Obviously this is not an all the time thing, but as I've gotten older and as my depression has not abated and as life has just thrown more at me it's become more the norm. Old relationships remain maintained but I struggle to form new ones. My best friend can't remember the last friend I made. She thinks it was at least several years ago and that friendship fizzled out.

My T has pointed out my tendency to do this. That when I think something isn't a "big deal" or there's nothing to be done about it, I don't express my emotion. I shove it under a rug so to speak. He asked me to track that, to think about it.

So I did and I had some thoughts. So I emailed him. And. Hm. I decided to practice expressing an emotion that I don't like to express. One of attachment. I like my T - he and I share similar tastes in stuff and a sense of humor. He also calls me on my crap which so many people don't do and he does it in an irreverent kind of way that really helps me. He's really one of my favorite people to talk to and I think a number of us would say that about our Ts. So I expressed that. I even admitted that I was cringing while writing it.

Hours later I feel sick to my stomach. I'm checking the facts in my head. It wasn't some earthshattering confession. I just told him something he's probably already aware of since I've seen him for six years and I've muttered in a growl that yes, damn it, I'm attached him. So he KNOWS I like him. He knows I enjoy our conversations. I've just never *said* it. I've never been like, "You're awesome. Thanks for being awesome because I like awesome."

And he is awesome and he will totally validate me and then laugh when I'm like DO YOU KNOW THE AGONY I FELT? And he'll give me a thumbs up and a push forward.

I just. Hm. I just can't seem to shut up this part of me that's like, "WTF are you doing? You can't LIKE PEOPLE!!!"

:P

Tell me it's okay to like people.

[unaluna]

I thought you liked ME. You'd BETTER like me!!

Eta - oh yeah - cuz i liked you... forgot to add that part...

[NowhereUSA]

hankster you're hilarious, how can I not?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

hankster you're hilarious, how can I not?

Argh. Im being serious! I havent talked to my best friend in like six months. It just feels like too much to handle, liking people in person. T i can handle, hes not very demanding.

[StressedMess]

It is hard to admit your true feelings isn't it? I have to admit these things?!?! But people can TELL how I feel! I hate it.

Wondering why, though?

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by StressedMess

It is hard to admit your true feelings isn't it? I have to admit these things?!?! But people can TELL how I feel! I hate it.

Wondering why, though?

Why it's hard to admit or why I can't like people?

I had a tumultuous growing up with lots of moving to lots of places including different countries. Liking people is... a liability And why it's hard? Idk. I've had some messed up relationships and I had parents who invalidated my emotions (a generational issue - they're pretty emotionally messed up themselves).

Either way... yikes! What will my T do when he realizes I LIKE him? LOL I try laughing to add some humor to my terror.

[Restin]

I'm deep in therapy on this very issue now. I finally found a T that I can almost trust, and it is so hard to say the "mushy" words. It isn't even so much the T, but that a whole lifetime of despising and fearing attachment stuff, and those words, is very hard to go against. I know this will make you cringe, but I even suggested cue cards with the words, "lovey, needy, lonely, dependent". T wouldn't do that cue card method because it would hit me too hard., but those words are so impossible to say and we have trouble discussing the attachment that I deeply feel. And fear so much I can hardly stand it. But it's also helped me a lot to read up on attachment and Transference on-line, and used psychology books I buy from Amazon. I'm so scared of what will happen I just have to know how this attachment therapy is supposed to play out officially in modern therapy. I feel very encouraged by the modern methods and sounds like your therapist is one of those, too.
I just hope upon hope you stay with your T, and just let things unfold. He sounds like a keeper!

[NowhereUSA]

Yeah. He's a DBT therapist, so a lot is focused on altering behavior but he recognizes I have issues attaching to people. I will stick with him for sure... I just hate getting attached to anyone.

Gah.

[NowhereUSA]

I'm feeling so anxious about this that I had to go delete the email from sent folder so I wouldn't be reminded that I sent it.

*guh*

I have issues. I HAVE MAJOR ISSUES.

This is interesting to me. First, does liking someone equate being attached to them? And is that a general thing or just specific to you? I only ask because I like people pretty easily, but don't associate that with being attached. I told my therapist once that I like her quite a lot, but I had no idea it's the same as being attached. Now I'm wondering if I need to clear that up with her.

Back to you...is this related to your depression or to your history? Because I think it's totally okay to like people and say you like them. If they think that means you're attached, that's their issue (unless you mean it that way). Like away!

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by licketysplit

This is interesting to me. First, does liking someone equate being attached to them? And is that a general thing or just specific to you? I only ask because I like people pretty easily, but don't associate that with being attached. I told my therapist once that I like her quite a lot, but I had no idea it's the same as being attached. Now I'm wondering if I need to clear that up with her.

Back to you...is this related to your depression or to your history? Because I think it's totally okay to like people and say you like them. If they think that means you're attached, that's their issue (unless you mean it that way). Like away!

Well, to be honest, I haven't really analyzed the liking/attachment relationship. I don't think of attachment in a psychotherapy way. I just mean it in the sense of, "Hey, I like you. I like having you around. Stick around please. And also I prefer you to other people."

It could be related to my depression. Does my depression cause it or does it feed my depression or both? Is it my history? Very likely so. I just feel embarrassed about liking him.

Is it hard because of a fear of rejection?

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

Is it hard because of a fear of rejection?

That's a piece of it. But it's totally irrational because my T has told me he likes me and likes talking to me so in a sense, I'm really just reflecting back to him something he's said to me.

And yet I'm like WTF What did I do?!?!

For me... There is this fear that if people know how I feel...either like or dislike... They will use it against me in some way.. (In an emotionally manipulative way)

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

For me... There is this fear that if people know how I feel...either like or dislike... They will use it against me in some way.. (In an emotionally manipulative way)

THIS! Yes. It's like knowledge is power and can be used for evil.

I don't want to cause a rift, but is this a regional thing to think that showing how you feel about someone is a vulnerability? I'm west coast, for the record, and have been told we're surface friendly compared to midwesterners who claim to have a lock on genuine friendliness (of course, these are midwesterner friends who say this), but we agree with each other that east coasters can be scary.

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by licketysplit

I don't want to cause a rift, but is this a regional thing to think that showing how you feel about someone is a vulnerability? I'm west coast, for the record, and have been told we're surface friendly compared to midwesterners who claim to have a lock on genuine friendliness (of course, these are midwesterner friends who say this), but we agree with each other that east coasters can be scary.

I'm a military brat. I'm not from anywhere in the US. I've lived east, west, north, south and in other countries.

I currently dwell in the midwest but moved here as an adult.

Originally Posted by licketysplit

I don't want to cause a rift, but is this a regional thing to think that showing how you feel about someone is a vulnerability? I'm west coast, for the record, and have been told we're surface friendly compared to midwesterners who claim to have a lock on genuine friendliness (of course, these are midwesterner friends who say this), but we agree with each other that east coasters can be scary.

I almost had soda come out my nose laughing at east coasters being scary... whatss so scary about us? Mat lest you know where you stand... We say it like it is.

I am afraid to reply.

[NowhereUSA]

Don't be afraid!!! I'm the one who's afraid. You can't be afraid too. There is not enough fear in this thread to go around O.O

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

Well, to be honest, I haven't really analyzed the liking/attachment relationship. I don't think of attachment in a psychotherapy way. I just mean it in the sense of, "Hey, I like you. I like having you around. Stick around please. And also I prefer you to other people."

It could be related to my depression. Does my depression cause it or does it feed my depression or both? Is it my history? Very likely so. I just feel embarrassed about liking him.

omg, this! I have so much trouble with communicating it to people. I totally get your fear. And I always tell them all the reasons they should hate me... I even do it with my wife still. It drives her crazy.
I think mine comes from a similar situation of always moving (though not military, my family moved every few years, like huge, cross-country moves). Even after they settled, I found as soon as I told anyone I enjoyed them as a friend or person to talk to or whatever, they disappeared from my life for one reason or another.
thanks for this thread.

Originally Posted by licketysplit

I am afraid to reply.

I was kidding if you couldn't tell

[NowhereUSA]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

omg, this! I have so much trouble with communicating it to people. I totally get your fear. And I always tell them all the reasons they should hate me... I even do it with my wife still. It drives her crazy.
I think mine comes from a similar situation of always moving (though not military, my family moved every few years, like huge, cross-country moves). Even after they settled, I found as soon as I told anyone I enjoyed them as a friend or person to talk to or whatever, they disappeared from my life for one reason or another.
thanks for this thread.

I also do the "Here are all the reasons you should hate me..." and then my H tells me he loves me (it'll be 10 years of marriage this upcoming May) and I'm like "WHYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" My T even told me at my last session that he likes me, that he enjoys talking to me and I just gave him boggly eyes like, "What is wrong with you?" In the past, he's told me this, and I've told him that he needs to go see a therapist and get his head checked.

I have so much trouble believing that I'm likable. My T says he thinks it's because I'm depressed and so I don't associate my joking, friendly behavior as my real self, but as a front. And when he said that, I realized I think he might be right. Because I feel so badly, I can't fathom that I can feel badly and still be funny and both are my true identity at the same time.

But in the mean time, I freak out about being open and telling people that I like them.

[StressedMess]

I keep thinking about my post here (sorta like T, spit it out and process it later!!) so I need to clarify.

I'm sure the people I like can tell that I hold them in high regard, so why do I feel so frightened of admitting my feelings (to them and to myself) and what harm do I think will occur?

I will be hurt, rejected, laughed at, have the feelings not be reciprocated, allowed them to see me vulnerable and thereby opened myself up to the pain their ridicule will cause.

Why am I so certain people won't like me back? Past history and suspicion. I could have tons of friends but people see me as cold and closed-up, that's off-putting. It's too much work to be friends, when my first impression is so horrible, people don't want to invest the time it takes to get to know me.

And then on the other hand, I find myself too busy to maintain deep friendships, so I have a lot of acquaintances but I've lost touch with many friends in my life. It hurts to be close and drift apart, or purposely stop seeing people because they hurt my feelings or judged me or whatever.

You really asked a hard question!!!!