[ShrinkPatient]

Don't read this. It wont make any sense to anyone. I just need to put these chaotic thoughts somewhere far away.
I don't even know what to say or what this post is about. I'm just a mess right now. I had a session today with my T. I see her twice a week. She's went out of her way for me at times. She's made promises to never abandon me. She gave me her email long ago so that I could better communicate with her and reach out when I need to. She promised to always respond to my emails. She used to always respond. Sometimes she has given responses that I felt indequate and sometimes she would respond giving me so much comfort and upstanding. However, she always responded to me, with the exception of one time when she said she never got it. A couple months ago she I was waiting for a response and it took much longer than usual, almost two days. I found out later that she just hadn't thought about reading her email. Turns out, she doesn't check her email regularly and I realized that if it had been really important, if I had been waiting for her to help calm my anxieties, like she has so often before, I could possibly spin out of control before she ever reads it. It was jarring. Since then, there has been many more email mishaps. In general, I feel like my T is disconnecting from me. There were a couple of emails over the weekend that she admitted to reading and not replying. She said she didn't reply because she was waiting on me to send more. She had asked me a question and I hadn't come up with the answer she was waiting for. I was upset Monday when I saw her but I can't stay mad at her and I let it go. I emailed her an important email Monday afternoon, really important. She said she never saw it. She did just switch phones and she's dealing with figuring it out but I can't help but to feel like there's a pattern. I can't help but feel like she regrets allowing my emails. She's never really complained about my emails amd she did apologize and she asked me to resend it but, I can't now. I feel like I'm being disillusioned, like she's not as devoted to me or doesn't care about me the way I understood her to.
What does that say about me. This has always happened with to me. There has only been a couple times before where people treated in such a way that I believed they really cared about me and they were being honest with me. Both times, they decided to leave me behind. I thought I had learned a lifelong lesson. But here I am again. I don't blame her at all. I don't blame the people from the other two situations either. It's my own expectations that has brought me to so much hurt and anguish. I'm not the kind of person that people choose to keep in their life. I'm never going to have a real relationship like that. I'm almost 40 and it's never happened for me and I don't know why I started thinking it could happen for me now. Yada Yada yada...

[Petra5ed]

I don't think it means she doesn't care, I think this is a very common therapist thing really... motto being you cant rely on any one person to meet your emotional needs at a given moment. My T has done this too, sometimes a quick reply, sometimes no reply. Also, I think it's true that if you are overly needy it will push people away. I think my therapist has demonstrated that with me too. If I send happy email, a reply, if I send crazy nonsensical email, very delayed reply, if I text him again and again and again, then probably no reply.

[ShrinkPatient]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I don't think it means she doesn't care, I think this is a very common therapist thing really... motto being you cant rely on any one person to meet your emotional needs at a given moment. My T has done this too, sometimes a quick reply, sometimes no reply. Also, I think it's true that if you are overly needy it will push people away. I think my therapist has demonstrated that with me too. If I send happy email, a reply, if I send crazy nonsensical email, very delayed reply, if I text him again and again and again, then probably no reply.

I do feel overly needy. However, I've resisted emailing. None of my T other clients get to email her. I didn't want to be a burden so I've tried to be careful. When our email exchange has been good, she says that she appreciates me sharing with her and it really helps her to see me better. She's really encouraged me to email so many times. The only thing even remotely like a complaint was because I emailed her a lot of pages she found nonsensical. I was slipping into a break down, but she helped pull me back up.

I just wonder if she's tired of me. This not getting, not reading , not seeing my emails seems like a really passive aggressive pattern.
I suppose time will tell...
Thanks for you're reply...I can't believe you actually read that!! Wow

[jaynedough]

(((((((ShrinkPatient and Petr5ed)))))))

My T has been trying to get me to focus more on positive, less on negative. Is it possible that your T's are trying to do that?

[NowhereUSA]

Y'know, I think sometimes Ts can have good intentions but it gets flubbed up somewhere. I've found it more helpful for me to email my T without any expectation of response and if I need a response to put in there that I specifically need him to respond to me. It helps him know when I expect something and when I don't. Sometimes he responds for the hell of it, but it's always a pleasant surprise and I don't feel like he's ignoring me if he doesn't.

It sounds like maybe she set herself up with expectations that were too high. Typing up an email is time consuming. It's also fraught with the possibility of miscommunication too. And y'know, that's her bad, not yours. I'm just saying that because it might help to have a conversation with her to find a balance where you can both interact on a satisfying level.

For example, maybe you would like her just to write, "Thanks for the e-mail" so you know she got it and you'll say if you need more, like, if you're struggling with anxiety, "Hey, I'm having a hard time, could you just let me know you got this and then maybe follow up ASAP?"

You can negotiate these boundaries. It's okay to ask for what you need and to express to her how you're interpreting her responses or lack thereof.

[ShrinkPatient]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

You can negotiate these boundaries. It's okay to ask for what you need and to express to her how you're interpreting her responses or lack thereof.

Nowhere...
That's a lot of really good advice. You were so logical and I appreciate that. It's difficult for me to see the larger, rational, picture when I actually standing in the middle of it.
I should be able to talk with her about our expectations with the email.
The only problem is, I can almost never ask for what I need. There is something in me that says if someone actually cares about you, they'll give you what you need freely, without asking. I mean if someone loves you, they'll treat you with love. If someone cares about how you are doing, they'll call text, or email you to check up. If they don't know how to care about me on their own, and I have to ask, it feels like I'm begging for affection and I've never done that. (okay, 1 boyfriend 20 years ago).
I know my view is twisted but I haven't been able to let it go
Also, if I did include requests in my emails, wouldn't that be like bossing her aound? What if something important comes up for her, and I send an email saying I really need a through response because of my anxiety or lack of connection. I'd be interfering in her life and asking for attention that she may resent later... I don't want anything from anyone that isn't freely given. See how messed up I AM?

I'm going to reread your advice over and over and try to think about and plan to incorporate some of it a little at a time in our communication.
THANKS A LOT, YOU'VE BEEN REALLY HELPFUL!!
SP

[NowhereUSA]

Hey, we're all a little messed up. That's why we're in therapy

I think it's nice when someone knows how to love us - and if we never tell them how, then they're always guessing and we're always frustrated. Idk. I hope it helps even a little

[LonesomeTonight]

I can relate since I've e-mailed my individual T once today (and got a brief phone call, which impressed me) and my marriage counselor (MC) twice in the past 2 days and haven't heard back (OK, one e-mail was last night and one this afternoon, so I can't expect that much). With the MC, I just had (my first) individual session with him yesterday discussing my feelings/transference for him, so I'm feeling very vulnerable right now. I've only e-mailed him a couple times in the past year or so, but this time I sent him something yesterday, then wanted to change what I'd said in there and asked if he could just let me know he got it--no detailed response needed. So I hope to hear something before our appt. Monday.
Not to hijack, as I have my own thread, but basically, it's that my husband realized the reason I met with him individually yesterday was to discuss my feelings for him, so obviously we'll need to discuss that in our joint session Monday. But I wanted him to know that now, not when we first start talking Monday. And as I said, I'm feeling vulnerable because I shared so much and just want to hear something from him before then... But I also know he's very busy plus has some personal stuff going on with a sick relative, so maybe I'm expecting too much. It's so hard to strike the balance of how much to expect.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with this. It does sound as though there may be some email fatigue going on; that what you think are not many emails may, in fact, feel like too many to your therapist (a couple over the weekend, another after you saw her on Monday), especially when you see her twice a week.

That's not a judgment on your need to have that communication, just maybe an explanation that it could be she's feeling pressured by it. I do think she should tell you that, though, and not leave you wondering what's going on and filling in the blanks with thoughts of abandonment and distance.

[Bipolarchic14]

Have you tried to determine why it is necessary for you to email your T between sessions so frquently? I realize you say you have anixiety, but she should be working with you on strategies to calm yourself down without her assistance. I realize this may not be what you want to hear, but I wonder if your reaching out to her is more of an attachment thing than an anxiety thing. I was looking at your profile, I see bipołar listed, but I don't see borderline personality disorder but that seems to be a trait for that disorder.

Have you talked to your T about ways to develop close relationships with people outside of therapy? Ths is something I have been dealing with. For me, I have people in my life, but I don't feel connected/close with them. Regarding your therspist promise to not abandon you, she should not make promises like this as there are factors to consider that are out of her control. For example you losing your insurance, or financial means to have therapy. I read it on here all the time, my therapist said they will never leave and now they're gone. If my therapist won the lottery tomorrow, i am sure I would be looking for a new therapist Monday. I feel connected and attached to her and it hurts to think that way, but I am doing my best not to leave myself in a helpless situation. Hopefully you and your t have set up some measurable goals to help you work towards a life you can be happy with.

[ShrinkPatient]

Originally Posted by licketysplit

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with this. It does sound as though there may be some email fatigue going on; that what you think are not many emails may, in fact, feel like too many to your therapist (a couple over the weekend, another after you saw her on Monday), especially when you see her twice a week.

That's not a judgment on your need to have that communication, just maybe an explanation that it could be she's feeling pressured by it. I do think she should tell you that, though, and not leave you wondering what's going on and filling in the blanks with thoughts of abandonment and distance.

I hadn't emailed her at all in several weeks until the weekend. Would that make a difference?