[Amandasmom]

Hi, my mom just passed away 2 weeks ago. It's been really hard. My T has been great. Sends me daily emails with "hugs", available when I need to talk with her etc.

I'm writing thank you notes to everyone and will also write one to my T.

If I learned one thing about my moms death, I need to start saying what I mean/want to people and not holding back (more in the positive light than saying negative things).

I have a history of sexual abuse plus social anxiety and have a very difficult time saying the word love to someone. I feel it's time after 4 years and after all the support my T gave me in the last 2 weeks to tell her she means a lot to me and I love her (not in a sexual way). I have to do this by email as I'll never have the nerve to say it to her face. Also, I'm not sure if she would respond to me if I said this to her in session. This way Sending it by email, I wont have the disappointment if she doesn't say it back to me.

Has anyone said I love u to your T and didn't get a response back or was disappointed of the reaction. Have u had discussions about this topic (meaning when it's not about erotic transference). Thanks!

I try to think of those words as a gift. If I say them, I say them as a declaration of my appreciation, my thanks, my love, and without any expectation of getting a gift in return. I simply give those words because I want to say them.

I've said those words to T's in the past. I never really planned to; it just sort of came out in the moment more or less as a thank you I guess. I had no expectation, so I never found myself disappointed in their response. I can't even quite remember what their response was now that I think about it. I almost have to guess.

My first T probably said I love you back and hugged me. He was a big hugger; he hugged me at the end of every session -- very fatherly that way. My 2nd T was probably about the same but I really don't recall; I just remember it was said. My current T actually said I love you to me before I ever said it to him. That I do remember. It was again one of those spontaneous moments. We were actually on the phone talking and he ended the phone conversation by saying "love ya" instead of good-bye. It was kind of like when you are talking to family on the phone and that is how you end the phone call--it seemed very natural and comfortable. I know I've said I love you to him in thanks for his help, but I don't remember his response. Probably a smile and a thank you if I had to guess. We're pretty comfortable with each other and just like each other as people, so those kinds of moments just kind of happen from time to time.

aah, i would be terrified to say 'i love you'. and i don't really love HER... it's just transference due to my history...

[Soccer mom]

My mom died last year and I also have a hard time initiating "I love you" with people. I can respond but not say it first. And, my T. knows this. I used to feel I loved her but it's like my mind wouldn't let my heart go there or something. Then, I left one session feeling AND thinking it. I felt it was a big moment for my feelings to be in sync with my mind.

Also, my husband told her he loved her in our first joint session and said "now tell T. you love and appreciate her and hug her". I about died but that's just how he is. I hugged her but wouldn't say it.

So, the next session I told her my experience above and said "I love you". I also clarified not romantically. Before she could respond, I told her she didn't need to say anything back and I don't expect her to. I said I saw it in her eyes when she told me she cared about me. She nodded and said sometimes people can show it instead of saying it. She asked me why it was so hard to say and I said I don't know. She said maybe it's one of the few times the emotions went with the words. I used to tell my parents I love them but didn't really FEEL it.

She also once told me that I need to trust her and practice with her. As I've read and others have posted, we are supposed to learn from our relationships with our T. so we can do the same in the real world. So, definitely say it! And, we also need to be able to say it to people without expecting anything in return. If something is said back, then we can be pleasantly surprised.

[rainbow8]

First, I'm very sorry about the loss of your Mom. I also have a history of not being able to say the words " I love you" except to my kids. My Mom died many years ago and I regret that I never said I love you" to her while she was sick and dying. In fact, I don't remember saying it to either of my parents ever, though I did love them very much. We just didn't express our feelings in my family.

When my Dad got older, I forced myself to say the words to him because I didn't want to make the same mistake twice.

I have skirted around the issue of love for a long time in my therapy. When my T used to do IFS with me all the time, a child part told T that she loved her. That was with my eyes closed. I told T that the child wanted her to say it back. T said " I love HER." She was very careful to word it that way. She told me at another time that " I love you" is reserved for close friends and family, but she cares about me deeply.

Fast forward about 4 years. I emailed T and spontaneously wrote "I love you." When she wrote me back, she wrote "sending love to you." I was shocked that she would write that and thought she made a mistake! We discussed it and she said she does feel a kind of love for me.

This week in my session I said the words directly for the first time without a "disclaimer." Saying those words was scary but I am so glad I told her! She won't say them back to me but will write
"sending love" in an email. We have been discussing love in depth for a while now.

I think it's fine to say it in an email. I think your T will be appreciative. I also wanted to hear it back but didn't, not directly. It's helpful to say it even if you don't get the response you want. Good luck!

I'm very sorry for your loss.

During a discussion about love, my former therapist was holding me and told me she had high regard for me, and I asked if that was the same as love. She said it was like love, but that the word love she reserved for family, her child, etc. so, I challenged her thinking on whether she could love a client and say it with out all the 'therapist speak.' She said she would think about it and she did. She spoke to colleagues , friends, etc...then she said it,"I love you, TW4me." It was music in my ears that penetrated every cell in my body. It was the first time by another adult. I still get I love you at times in her emails to me, phone calls or get togethers. Many times I fought her saying the words, because I was feeling unlovable and disgusted by me. Post therapy I have never felt that way. I always have that to go to in my head and know I'm loved.


I know I never could have or would have said it if it was a one way street. It was hard for me when I was married to have a husband that did many things for me, but once we married he never said those words again, because, "You know I love you." That was a big part of the deal breaker for me.
Good luck in getting what you want and need.

[musinglizzy]

Amandasmom,
I learned that lesson the hard way too. Losing someone, in a way, who was my whole world. The last time I saw her, I never said goodbye, never told her I loved her. I will pay for that the rest of my life. So I make sure to tell people how I feel, anytime I can. You never know when you may never have the chance again.

I'm having problems with my T right now, which is keeping me up tonight....as I have a session with her in the afternoon. I think this session will make or break our relationship, basically help me decide whether I'm going to stay in therapy or not. Regardless of all of that, I do love my T. I think there are different kinds of love, in a way.... I don't love my T like I love my son, or my dearest friends, etc, but I do love her. I work with kids. I love those kids. My love for those kids are similar to my love for my T. I have told my T I loved her. But even prior to my doing that for the first time, she basically let me know love was there.... by saying "such and such doesn't mean I don't love you," etc. The first time I actually told her I loved her was in an Email. She totally blew me out of the water when she said "I love you too." I never expected it from her, but I just had to say it. She had sent me a text one night, and I responded, she responded, and I told her I loved her in a text. She said the same. During a recent session, as she hugged me before I left, I said it again, and she returned it. It felt much more real hearing the words than seeing them typed out. Within the past week, I received an Email from her, and she signed it "Love, T." In fact, it's in my post on here about touch in therapy...it's gone. I know her words meant a lot to me. Basically because I never thought she'd be the type to say it in return. But she did. Not once, not twice, but three times. It helped me. It made me feel good, and like I could trust her even more. I may never hear it again after our difficulties the past week, in fact, who knows, I may never see her again after tomorrow. But I will always feel a love for her, not a deep love like a child, family member or friend, and most definitely not a sexual love, but still some sort of love, nonetheless. I hope you find the courage to say it. And I hope you hear it back.