I need y'all to give me a shake..

I've been in recovery from an eating disorder for 8 years. I had diabulimia - I would binge and omit insulin for my type 1 diabetes to control my weight.

I have not, as I've said, omitted insulin for almost a decade, and I rarely binge nowadays, and if I do I make sure it is covered by enough insulin. Don't get me wrong, I eat plenty - I am a health food enthusiast and eat well, so when I want some chocolate, I eat chocolate. I pack away vast amounts of food at certain times of the month, and other days I have a bird's appetite - if I'm stressed out or in pain - the point I'm trying to make is I've got pretty good at re learning how to listen to my body and what it wants in terms of food. I love eating. I never feel guilty these days about food. I aim at being fit and healthy and glowing with health, not thin and listless.

BUT. Several times now, when I think of my ex therapist, I think - well, maybe if I was thinner she wouldn't have 'gone off' me. I know I'm not fat, but she was thinner than me...and she was in recovery from anorexia, so obviously weight issues mattered to her. I know this is all rubbish because she mentioned her sister who she loved was 'fat', and her PA was quite big (and she obviously likes her more than me ) but it freaks me out that this thought even in my head at all???

In hindsight, I do remember getting a passing flutter that she was comparing me with her overweight sister in terms of abuse or something I don't remember, but forgot about it because I reasoned that she commented on how small I was several times. So weight has always had a little barb for me in a non direct way.

I think it maybe goes along with the thoughts that if only I was more established in my career and could pay top whack she'd still see me. If only I was charismatic and witty enough in sessions, well, then she'd still see me. And if only I was thin enough, maybe then she'd still see me...Maybe it's all to do with not being perfect enough?

It's all only an abstract thought at the moment, and I feel totally fine about food and am about to cheerfully go make some lunch and have a spirulina smoothie, so it's not like it's influencing my behaviour...but I wanted to note it here, and ask for somebody in the nicest possible way to tell me to get a grip!

If you really want a shake, then sure - :grabs IG's shoulders and shakes firmly: "Snap out of it IG! You are so much better than your T! Leaving her was the right decision."

If you want some support - I still think you were right to leave your T, and maybe you need to let yourself grieve the end of the relationship. However, from everything you've posted, I honestly think your T has some serious issues of her own and was a very poor fit for you. Honestly - a T that refers to her own sister as "fat" is not a T that should be working with anyone with any kind of eating or body image issues. The collapse of your relationship with your T was so much more about her than about you. You know how hard it is to kick an ED, and you should feel so proud that you have learned to listen to your body. You do not have to be "perfect" for a T to work with you...they should be willing to meet you where you are and help you become the person YOU want to be, not the person they think you should be.

*shakes kindly*

Weight means nothing - nothing - compared to what is on the inside. Your therapist likes you for you- your body is only the house your soul lives in.

If she wanted to hear witty, she could go to a comedy show.

If she wanted to see skinny, she could go to a fashion show.

Etc etc.

Darn them, all they want from us is CHANGE. My t doesnt want just a change in feelings or attitude, he wants - okay, i want - a lifestyle change. A true change of heart. Coping. Arrrgh.

Okay- get a grip! i'm j/k...I understand what youre going through, your mind is just trying to find a reason for something unexplainable. You are not responsible for her behavior, and your being fat or thin had nothing to do with your termination.

Thank you and yes, I am proud of the way I have overall changed my relationship with food. I am fiercely protective of my recovery, so this is why I posted - if any random 'off' thoughts float into my head like this about food/ eating, I like to quickly grab them and dismantle them. They rarely do, which is why alarm bells ring when they occur.

Thanks - yes, I do agree - it's like that Deepak Chopra quote that says something about us not being a body that happens to have a soul, but rather a soul that happens to have a body.

Thank you. That's interesting to me actually - I find it easier to make the lifestyle changes first, the feelings and attitude lag behind and take longer to catch up.

Thanks...and yep a grip is exactly what I need, because this isn't 'real'.

A reason for the unexplainable maybe is about right - my logic goes, I don't feel worthless about who I am as a person anymore, I want to contribute to the world with my particular strengths - but something about me must have been not good enough, and if it wasn't about being a worthless person maybe it was being a not-thin-enough person. Which is bull, I know...Even in my own head that feels false when I actually think about being there in the room, my weight had nothing to do with it. I don't know why my head is trying to twist this.

Shake Shake, your relationship with T was not therapeutic long term.

Ps was the spirulina shake really foul tasting? I've had mounds of curly kale today.

Ha! Yes it is basically pond scum but I read you get better absorption than from capsules, so...

Actually I ended up mixing it with a dissolvable vitamin c because the fizziness, even though it looks even more revolting, makes it less lumpy.

Did you make a green smoothie with the kale? What did you add?

I picked up some disolveable vitamin c to buy once, and saw all the artificial additives and put it back - can't decide good or bad?

I got mine for 89p in Lidl They're 1000mg, and I needed a quick fix for the start of a sore throat - I've just had a look and there is sorbitol in them, which I'm not bothered about, but then I do drink a couple of cans of diet coke a week too so I'm fairly easy going about sweeteners.

I regularly put kale in my smoothies-although I find it disgusting if your blender can't completely break it down.

My ninja blender can't handle kale, but my my vitamix can.

I usually add two handfuls of kale, a cup of peaches, few strawberries, choryphyll drops and some superfood powder.

And a bit of xylitol- it's a sugar alcohol and I take it twice a day bc it helps keep me regular, lol. Plus it sweetens the smoothie

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I really want a Nutribullet - do you guys have them over in the states? They're about a hundred pounds though, so I want to be sure I'll use it enough before investing...

(I know this thread has gone off topic but I am being eaten alive with anxiety for no ****ing reason and talking about smoothies is very helpful just now )

It is so tempting to take valium and make it all go away. But the last thing I need is to be hooked on that so not having any. I don't understand myself, I don't understand how I can be fine for two weeks in terms of anxiety and then hit a blip or rough patch where it's there at a low level all the time and surges up at every opportunity. I have nothing to be anxious about!!! All my latest medical results are good! I have enough time to rest, and at the same time plenty of nice plans with friends to enjoy over the next while. I just don't get it. Why can't my brain just chill out.

I treated myself to a nutribullet.Rx for Christmas, and I love it! I used it for lunc today. A spinach, strawberry, blueberry smoothie, with some of my kids protein powder thrown in. First time I bought from an infomercial. It was three installments ~$45.00, which includes a longer warrantee (5/years?). So far, so good.