[SoupDragon]

Do you think this only happens to people that have had problems early in life with attaching to parents / caregivers, or can it happen to anyone?

Personally, I think it's more common than is given credit for.
The question is, how much of a disturbance does it cause?

[SoupDragon]

I'm still not sure that I really know what it is Mouse. T's sit there and given you full attention and make you feel that you matter and that can feel powerful. Alternatively they can get it wrong in some way and that can feel devastating. But is this anything different from real life relationships. Like if some wonderful person came up to me in a bar and gave me 100% attention, would that not also make me feel something positive towards them - would that not also be transference?

[Soccer mom]

My T. says you can have transference with anyone. Someone can remind you of your mother/brother/father/old friend. I think the difference in therapy is that it's one sided - we don't know what our T's are thinking or feeling so we can project more onto them than we would if another person was also telling us their feelings. That makes us realize a little more that they are NOT like our mother/brother/father, etc.

It is probably more likely in therapy with people who had attachment problems in childhood. I did and had an emotionally distant mom. then all of a sudden I have someone completely paying attention to me, not judging me, helping me, etc. However my transference didn't happen until my mom died - that along with starting therapy again was the perfect storm.

[SoupDragon]

So it's not just about attention from someone, but finding something in that person that triggers a memory for someone else and treating that person as if they were that other person?

So if T looks at me, I don't like it as it reminds me of other people in my past that used to stare at me?

Is that transference?

Yes, it can be.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

So it's not just about attention from someone, but finding something in that person that triggers a memory for someone else and treating that person as if they were that other person?

So if T looks at me, I don't like it as it reminds me of other people in my past that used to stare at me?

Is that transference?

Yes
Another example: a "friend" of mine stopped talking to me and doesn't include me in activities anymore. I have told T. about her because she is also the "friend" who T. sees. T. mentioned my transference towards "friend". I said "WHAT??". She said you have abandonment issues from your childhood and this friend abandoned you. Otherwise, her actions wouldn't bother you as much. I have a disproportionate reaction to the actual event.
My T. is very direct when she wants to make a point. I always think she's mad or frustrated because my mom WOULD be mad or frustrated when she was direct to me. I have literally felt like she was mad at me when she was talking when all she was doing was making a point. All related to how my mom interacted with me.
So, through the transference I'm learning what "sets me off" and then learning to have different reactions to it. I once told my T. why this matters when I only have these issues towards her. She said I will run into other people who are similar to my mom and need to know how to react so it's not damaging. And, I probably react to other people in a smaller way if they have these qualities.

[unaluna]

What soccer mom said.

And you know scorpiosis' post about no attraction? It was easier for me to fall in love when i was crazy, because all anyone had to do was ignore me like my mother did, and i was hooked. Thats transference. I wanted to make them like me. Someone who actually liked me? - no spark there. No psychological wound to fix / fill.

transference doesnt necessarily have to be about crushes. Its probably the reason behind a lot of road rage - "how DARE you cut me off, treat me like carp! I'll show you!"

[SoupDragon]

In that case I have transference big time

Lol! .

[Fuzzybear]

[Partless]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Do you think this only happens to people that have had problems early in life with attaching to parents / caregivers, or can it happen to anyone?

I think it happens to everyone if the relationship goes deep enough and they're emotionally involved in the relationship. Transference is not a sign of something being wrong. The only difference is that people who've had bad childhoods or some problem with attachments (like myself), experience it in more painful or emotionally confusing ways because they reenact some problematic stuff (wrong expectations, fears, idolization, etc) from past into the present with the therapist.

This is why marriage or other emotionally strong relationships can be disastrous when both people come from difficult childhoods and struggle with attachment issues and don't have awareness of it. The relationship can trigger bad stuff for both and neither knows how to handle it.

[Lauliza]

I think it happens to some degree in any therapy relationship where a real connection is made. I'd even guess that it is present more often than not. However, I think most of the time these attachments are pretty healthy and people are able to detach themselves from them much the same way you can from a friendship with a colleague that ends when you switch jobs. The extreme examples of transference seen sometimes on this forum may be more likely in people with attachment and personality disorders.