[clairelisbeth]

I didn't think it would hurt this much to miss her, and it hasn't even been a week. Knowing that I won't be seeing her for two months feels nearly unbearable. I feel this heaviness, this deep sense of loss-its almost if she's died.

My T is on maternity leave, she isn't just "away," which makes this a bit more complicated, because with this leave is coming all of my feelings of abandonment, jealously, and longing for the mother that I'll never have.

Last night I started to cry, and I was in hysterics for nearly 10 minutes. I have no idea why. I just feel as though my heart is so incredibly heavy, as though I could burst into tears at any moment. I don't know how I'm going to weather this leave.

I think some of the deep feelings of loss has to do with the fact that she went early and I didn't get to say goodbye-things feel unfinished. I had asked her early on if I could leave something symbolic of mine in her office and she said yes. I'm very glad that I left the object in there early, so I know its there.

This is also a particularly difficult time of year for me-its the anniversary of trauma and loss-and I was struggling even before she left. I've been having panic attacks left and right and having a really hard time at night.

It's not as though I don't have support. I have my pdoc, my nutritionist and the covering T, who I could chose to see if I wish. I already know her and like her, which makes it easier. I have friends, some of who are in therapy themselves and get it more then others, so I can talk to them-but even then there's a limit to how nuts I want to sound

I want to talk to my T so badly. I want to see her and hear her voice. I want to sit in her office. I feel so silly writing all of this, so thank you for letting me get this out here. I'm just not sure I'm going to get through this leave in one piece.

Sounds like this break is triggering some really difficult feelings. Are you going to call the covering T?

[clairelisbeth]

I think I definitely am. One of the things that I see my T for is an eating disorder and its really getting kicked up with her being on leave. I wanted to abstain from using symptoms so that I can have her come back from leave and be proud of me, but so far I've really been struggling with symptom use, specifically restricting and purging. I definitely need extra support.

[ruiner]

I put "thanks for this" cause you put my feelings into words so well and this is what I need to tell my T before she goes on her 5 month (ahhhh) maternity leave. I'm sorry you're feeling this way though and give you a hug.

But I do have this to say, I've been planning a ton of things to do while she's away. Things to hopefully look forward to. Like sporting events, bands coming into town I want to see, etc. Trying really hard to make those 5 months pass by as quickly as possible.

[clairelisbeth]

Five months! Oh my goodness!!! Hugs to you too!! Planning things to do different things sounds smart. I'm definitely hoping these two months pass by quickly. I'm really struggling.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk