[granite1]

so I did give my T my T journal to read . I had had some stuff in there that she had not read . I did not write anything new in there about my brother . but I did have a little write up from before that she had not read about the mother. she had called to see if my son had arrived home yet . we were talking and I was filling her in on some family stuff. then she has to bring up her friend who's son abused me. telling me about how they got together and what was going on in her life etc... all this did was once again remind me of how she chose her friend over her own daughter. when she found out about the abuse she beat the crap out of me calling me a slut and before she sent me off to the priest to confess to what a slut I was made sure I knew that it would kill her friend to know that I was saying such things .
so anyway after I talked to her I was so upset that I wrote this in my T journal

why does the mother insist on reminding me that she chose to keep her friendship with the mother of the person who sexually abused me. I hate her tonight. I hate me tonight . I am such a spoiled brat for wanting to be even slightly important. I wonder if things would have been different if the mother knew her beloved son was abused also .bet that would have mattered to her.

anyway my T read that and all she got out of it was "I see you have been talking with you mother again " really . that is what was important to you . I was so hurt when the mother did this . it still hurts and haunts me all the time . weather I talk to the mother or not . the hurt is still there. but all my T wanted to point out was that I was talking to the mother. I know she disapproves of this and the mother . but all I felt was blamed again. no empathy towards how hurt I was and no empathy towards what the mother had done to me when I was young . it seemed none of that mattered and the only thing that mattered is that I talked to the mother so there for I got what I deserved . no she did not use those words just that I was talking to the mother again and the stuff about how im still looking for that relation ship . and we got into it about how im not going to stop talking to the mother etc.. and then we moved on . no talking about how it was for me when she did that or anything . I don't think she cares much about what happened to me when I was young . I guess it really isn't such a horrible thing and I am sure that she has people who have been worse off then me . I know I have what all see as some sort of charmed life and all . but of all people I hoped she would understand and not take the same stand as others saying I deserve what I get

Granite, just wanted to say I feel for you. You did not deserve to be treated badly. You know how I feel about this T, so I will leave that unsaid and just say that you truly deserve better all the way around.

If it is any help, I gave my T, who I think is very good at what he does, two things I had written and told him I needed to talk about the thing both writings had in common. It is something I struggle with so much I cannot say it out loud. The man guessed wrong three times and never did figure out what the topic was that I needed to talk about. Sometimes T's get it wrong. They just do.

You have a way of taking one sentence your T says, focusing on it, and excluding the entirity of everything else that was said in your sessions. Sounds a bit like you are doing that here.

She had just read part of your journal, so she knows what you wrote about your mother. Her first statement was "I see you have been talking with your mother again." That isn't judgmental. It is an observation. It was a lead in to whatever else came after that in your conversation, but you say almost nothing about the rest of that conversation. You took one sentence, applied meaning through mind-reading what you assume she "meant" by that sentence, shut down based on your interpretation, and as far as you report here, heard nothing of what came after. And it is quite possible nothing productive could have come after because you had shut yourself down at that point with all of your thoughts based on your own interpretations (that quite honestly seem to come directly from your mother's mouth.)

My guess is that she WAS acknowledging how your mother's actions and words clearly affect you negatively; that it was clear because of what you wrote. That she was moving toward that conversation, but you can't "hear" that meaning because your mother's words started screaming in your ears the minute your T started speaking. The problem is that at that point, nothing your T would have said would have been okay, because your filter was set on "the mother" and not on "Granite". You stop listening when that happens.

I hope you start feeling better. Your T has NEVER been judgmental of you. She has always been very sympathetic to the severity of the abuse you suffered. She has always been very supportive. She has never seen you as the person to blame in your abuse. Nothing has changed there. Those messages are coming from your mother, not your T.

[granite1]

finding a new T and starting new is so scary .besides ii have made apt with so many T around here and then cancelled because I pretty much think I have burned my bridges around here . im just kind of feeling sorry for myself and need a big kick in the arse .

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by granite1

anyway my T read that and all she got out of it was "I see you have been talking with you mother again " really . that is what was important to you . I was so hurt when the mother did this . it still hurts and haunts me all the time . weather I talk to the mother or not . the hurt is still there. but all my T wanted to point out was that I was talking to the mother. I know she disapproves of this and the mother . but all I felt was blamed again. no empathy towards how hurt I was and no empathy towards what the mother had done to me when I was young . it seemed none of that mattered and the only thing that mattered is that I talked to the mother so there for I got what I deserved . no she did not use those words just that I was talking to the mother again and the stuff about how im still looking for that relation ship . and we got into it about how im not going to stop talking to the mother etc.. and then we moved on . no talking about how it was for me when she did that or anything . I don't think she cares much about what happened to me when I was young . I guess it really isn't such a horrible thing and I am sure that she has people who have been worse off then me . I know I have what all see as some sort of charmed life and all . but of all people I hoped she would understand and not take the same stand as others saying I deserve what I get

I wonder how your T would respond if she saw this in your journal?

I guess there were a lot of issues that were in what you wrote and it seems your T didn't see what was the really important thing that you wanted to talk about, but sometimes I think we have to spell it out to our T, they can't mind read. I always found it hard to spell things out to my T, I know it is not easy. Would she be receptive if you explained how you felt next time? If I was your T I'd apologize next time and say I'm sorry I missedwhat was important to you in that writing (and I'm sorry that all I picked out was my issue about you talking to your mum). I don't think T's generally apologize much though, I don't know why not.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by lolagrace

You have a way of taking one sentence your T says, focusing on it, and excluding the entirity of everything else that was said in your sessions. Sounds a bit like you are doing that here.

She had just read part of your journal, so she knows what you wrote about your mother. Her first statement was "I see you have been talking with your mother again." That isn't judgmental. It is an observation. It was a lead in to whatever else came after that in your conversation, but you say almost nothing about the rest of that conversation. You took one sentence, applied meaning through mind-reading what you assume she "meant" by that sentence, shut down based on your interpretation, and as far as you report here, heard nothing of what came after. And it is quite possible nothing productive could have come after because you had shut yourself down at that point with all of your thoughts based on your own interpretations (that quite honestly seem to come directly from your mother's mouth.)

My guess is that she WAS acknowledging how your mother's actions and words clearly affect you negatively; that it was clear because of what you wrote. That she was moving toward that conversation, but you can't "hear" that meaning because your mother's words started screaming in your ears the minute your T started speaking. The problem is that at that point, nothing your T would have said would have been okay, because your filter was set on "the mother" and not on "Granite". You stop listening when that happens.

I hope you start feeling better. Your T has NEVER been judgmental of you. She has always been very sympathetic to the severity of the abuse you suffered. She has always been very supportive. She has never seen you as the person to blame in your abuse. Nothing has changed there. Those messages are coming from your mother, not your T.

i think you might be right about me shutting down . she has made it clear that she disapproves of the mother. the conversation was not very long because i did shut down and became defensive. i know i did. but the first thing she did was comment about the fact that i talked to the mother . she asked me why was i talking to her . i didn't know how else to respond . i started saying that she called me and was asking about my son and then started talking abot her friend .basically i told her the conversation i had . she reminded me that i keep looking for this relationship with the mother. i got defensive and said that im not going to stop talking to her . and shut down she then moved on to ask me about what is going on with my son . really that was the whole conversation about the mother . i know i got defensive and i know i shouldn't have, but talking to her was not the point of what i had written . i felt it was just ignored and all .like she just wants me to get over it and i shouldn't have been talking to her and it wouldn't have been an issue . the problem is she fails to see that it is an issue weather i talk to the woman or not . i just don't know what to think . but i do know i did shut down and became defensive . maybe i shouldn't have

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I guess there were a lot of issues that were in what you wrote and it seems your T didn't see what was the really important thing that you wanted to talk about, but sometimes I think we have to spell it out to our T, they can't mind read. I always found it hard to spell things out to my T, I know it is not easy. Would she be receptive if you explained how you felt next time? If I was your T I'd apologize next time and say I'm sorry I missedwhat was important to you in that writing (and I'm sorry that all I picked out was my issue about you talking to your mum). I don't think T's generally apologize much though, I don't know why not.

my T really does have a bug on about the mother. i wished she could have asked me what was going on instead of just interjecting her own agenda and issues she has with the woman. i completely understand her issues, i get why she is not a fan . and i know she is on my side as far as dealing with the woman . one of the few people who is not afraid to dislike her . i don't know . when she moved on to another day i was writing about problems and feelings about being a mother to my son she started with asking "so what's going on here " she just made me feel i was so wrong a d focusing on that then the hurt.
i could never talk to her about this at all .i would be terrified she would kick me to the curb for sure . i will get over it and eventually it will pas like nothing has ever been said . that happens for me as long as i keep it to myself. i learned that trick with T a long time ago . never make it about how you feel about what they say. im just trying to make some sense out of it so i can do this

[granite1]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I wonder how your T would respond if she saw this in your journal?

i don't really know . we would probably get into another long conversation about how th mother affects my thinking and so on .and also about how i am still looking for her to be the kind of mother that i want her to be . and how i want her to need me and to be important to her etc... but i really don't know . i doubt it would be anything about the experiences i had as a child

[granite1]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Granite, just wanted to say I feel for you. You did not deserve to be treated badly. You know how I feel about this T, so I will leave that unsaid and just say that you truly deserve better all the way around.

If it is any help, I gave my T, who I think is very good at what he does, two things I had written and told him I needed to talk about the thing both writings had in common. It is something I struggle with so much I cannot say it out loud. The man guessed wrong three times and never did figure out what the topic was that I needed to talk about. Sometimes T's get it wrong. They just do.

i know she can be so confusing at times . sometimes she can be so spot on and so amazingly supportive and then other times no so much.
i wonder if the story had been different . had instead of the hurt memories come from a dream or just a rush of memories (this happens often) i bet the response would have been quite different . then if the hurt memories cane from me talking to the mother . same memories same painful experience but different triggers .i don't understand how one can have the attitude that you get what you deserve to empathy depending when at the core it is all the same

[unaluna]

I wish you could even stop temporarily talking to your mother. What would it take to convince you to try? Your son is going to lose his mother because you dont want your mother to experience that hurt? Tell her your cardio dr found stress on the holter monitor when you talked to her, so he needs you to lay off unless its a real emergency. In which case she should call your dad and tell him to tell your husband. Your life is at stake. Temporarily.

Eta - its two different things, the memories and talking to her. But talking about the memories while you are still talking to her - didnt work for me. I have only made progress since i made the break.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by granite1

.i don't understand how one can have the attitude that you get what you deserve to empathy depending when at the core it is all the same

I did not see the therapist as having this response from what you posted. It seems as though what may happen is that you automatically go to the horrible way your mother treated you even if the therapist was not doing it. I am not saying the therapist could not have done something different - but I think you so automatically (not saying you do it on purpose - perhaps unconciously) hear her being just as horrible as your mother that it is not possible for her to get someplace else where to you she sounds like she is focusing on the part you expected or wanted.
A way to approach it could be to just call her out (or, for the more gentle among us - tell her) when she goes about something in a way you don't expect - and let her know that it sounded to you like X and was that really what she meant? I suggest this because it might cause you less pain to let her clarify rather than to guess about what she did in ways that make you feel very bad.

[granite1]

thanks guys maybe im not seeing it the right way i don't know

hankster believe it or not i did not talk to the mother nor saw her for about 11 years. it was only after i had my son that i became back in contact with my family . for some stupid reason i thought it might be best for my son to have a family . i was wrong . although the mother treats him awesomely ,my farther does not and as usual the mother treats me like crap always . but does love my son. all and all by far not one of my smarter moves in life

im going to try and figure out a way to express how i am seeing things without causing her to kick me to the curb.

[peaches100]

Hi Granite,

My first reaction when reading your post was that you were taking what your t said and putting meaning into it that probably wasn't even there. Here is the part that jumped out to me:

the only thing that mattered is that I talked to the mother so there for I got what I deserved

That statement is an interpretation you are making about your t. You are filling in details that you don't have any evidence of. This is a form of "mind reading." I should know, I have a bad problem of doing this myself!

When I read that your t said "I see you've been talking to your mother again," I didn't read it as a criticism or anything - just an observation. I also didn't see any evidence that she thought you "got what you deserved."

I actually thought that she was showing empathy for how badly you were treated as a child and the pain it causes you now. It sounds to me like when she read your journal entry, she realized two things: (1) you had talked to your mom, and (2) as a result, you felt like crap because of what your mom brought up during your conversation with her.

By bringing to your attention that you were talking to your mom, and by staying on that subject, don't you think she could have been trying to help you see that it is the discussions with your mom that keep reigniting your pain? She does care about what happened to you as a child. . .but she was focusing on how, even now, it is that continued communication with your mom that keeps that old pain alive.

It's not that your t doesn't care about what happened to you as a child, or about your suffering. Your t doesn't want to see you keep suffering.

Peaches

(((granite)))