I regret sharing this with my therapist :(

So before my last session I had written out a letter I was debating on giving to her or not because it had a lot of personal topics that I have not talked to with anyone. So I got too scared to hand it in during the beginning of the session and at the end I muscled up the nerve and gave it to her. She told me it was a great thing I did but that it would have been more beneficial had I given it to her during the first part of the session to be able to talk about it. So now she's going to read it and were going to talk about it next week. I regret is SO much. Now she knows how I feel and I hate that. I dont know if this has anything to do with my age (19) and if it will change as I get older.

What do I do? How can I lower my anxiety for the next week before going back and facing her?

Thank you so much

Accept that she knows everything and realize that now you have the chance to move forward in your therapy in a way that wasn't possible before. I'm sure that you didn't share anything that she hasn't heard before, so I'm sure that she won't be shocked. Now she has the chance to help you work through these issues.

You might want to write another letter about how all this is affecting you. I find that getting things out of my head and on paper help me to see things more clearly.

Well done for writing those things down and giving them to your T. But I understand it can feel so overwhelming waiting for the next session to get feedback from your T.

I agree with gaylegg, at times I find writing my feelings down or even drawing them really helpful in managing my feelings.

I'm quite a bit older than you and can relate to what you have written, so I don't think it is an age thing - it's just really tough to share such personal things with someone else.

Soup

I don't think it's an age thing either. Like Soup, I'm older than you and this has happened to me many times.

In the beginning of therapy I used to email my T a lot, because in session I couldn't find the words for what I wanted to say. It took forever to have the guts to press 'Send'. Immediately afterwards I felt so vulnerable and I'd regret sending the email. Only to learn that my T was happy I shared with him and trusted him.

It's so brave of you open up to your T. I know it's hard right now, but you'll get through this. I agree with everyone else that you should write about it how this effects you. Do you have a journal? You can also write about it in this thread. We're here for you.

I'm 40, and have been in therapy a year next month. I can be of few words more often than I care to admit....I just clam up, can't talk. My T knows this, and knows words come quite freely when I'm writing/typing, so for me, she encourages Emails. She knows that the best things come out that way, I can write it, and it then gives us something to talk about during my sessions. I do best, I've realized, if I have an agenda for each session, but that's not easy for me to come up with. So when I do use Email as a tool, that helps. I think you will find that sharing this with your T will help you feel more connected in the long run.... you'll realize she's not going to "freak out" by what you tell her, and you gain more trust with every little thing you share. I have had several Emails in the past that I regretted sending after the fact. But my T never made me feel that way, she made me feel better in the long run about having shared it. There are still some things I keep from her.......but if and when they do come out...it may be in the form of an Email. You took another step forward in helping yourself by sharing this with your T....try to think of it that way!

It's not age, it's history and what we've been taught. I'm in my 30s and it took me a good long while to open up as much as I wanted to with my T and I still have awkward feels about it where I freak out. That being said, it's gotten easier, not because of age but because of practice. The first time is terrifying. And then when they respond well, you get a little bit more to share and you freak out... and then they respond well.

I used to want to hide under the table before a session. Now I still feel a knot in my stomach, but I'm much more confident when I share something deeply personal with my T.

This sounds like me, to a T! Except the getting easier part..I'm working on that!

The more you open up and the more you see that T responds well, the easier it will get (though it does take a lot of time). Your T will probably know that you are feeling embarrassed and nervous right now, and will want to do whatever she can next session to make it clear that she is not judging you. I bet you'll be feeling relief after next session, and this will be a positive thing for you.

I've done the same thing before but in my case I gave her the letter the minute I got in the room because I didn't want to change my mind. She of course said I could take it back at any point but once I got over the initial handing it to her, I was in a better place. But I did question my decision over the next week until we talked about it and it was hard because she told me she cried when she was reading it because of what I talked about.

The first time I wrote my old T a letter, it was really bloody awkward. I think she thought it was an appreciation letter so she said "Aww thank you." Anyway, I felt so mortified by what was in it (even though I edited it about a thousand times) that I texted her 2 hours later to apologise for sounding incoherent. I wasn't really raving, just feeling mighty exposed, ashamed and afraid of her judgment.

Current T is also asking me to write down my thoughts, mostly to break out of my hollowness that's preventing me from feeling much at all. I've only recorded some of my ADD moments but it's pretty hard because there are just so many and I forget so easily. I haven't gotten around to penning down the stuff that matters the most (BPD & BP) because the last thing I feel like doing in an episode is to do anything at all. A while later, I either completely lose the intensity and draw a blank, or I get too lazy/busy.

I really do intend to write something for this T too, because in writing I can express myself a wee bit better - perhaps because I get melodramatic and would sound completely corny IRL. I think our Ts appreciate our efforts at conveying our sentiments through pen and paper, and the anxiety, while unavoidable, is preferable to that of not being able to tell T my honest thoughts.

i don't think you should be embarrassed at all, writing a letter is a brave step. i hope she responds well